Reflections

“You’re going off the deep end…”

I’ve heard this phrase a lot lately, along with “gone around the bend,” “losing it,” etc.  All polite-isms meaning, “you’re crazy, Lisa.”  To be honest, I’ve heard them all my life.  And they’re true, every last one of them…

The difference between me today and the me’s of yesterday, is that today I can smile about it, and happily agree.  My usual response these days runs along the lines of, “Yep.  And proud of it, thank you very much.”  Or sometimes, if I want the upper hand in the conversation, I use, “Certified, actually.  And somewhere there is paperwork to prove it!”

And none of that is intended to make light of mental illness, but rather to celebrate and validate my own peculiar relationship with it.  Because yes, certainly, I am crazy, but in my understanding of the world, that is not necessarily a bad thing…  In fact, it is one of the things I like best about being me today.

Just think about it…

What is the alternative to “going off the deep end”?  To stay in the shallow end?  Why would I want to do that?  Shallow is not, nor has it ever been, my style; I just don’t get it.  I have tried it, of course, just to fit in, but it has not comforted me.  Nor has it inspired me, motivated me, pleased me, sustained me, or satisfied me; rather it has drained me, depressed me, and emptied me of any sense of value, accomplishment, or hope.  If shallow is the goal, then the journey does not interest me…

As for “going around the bend,” of course I want that!  I may not know what mysteries, or dangers, await there, but I am guaranteed to feel a sense of adventure by taking those few extra steps.  And even if my fantasies do not magically materialize around that next corner, I can nonetheless expect a change of scenery, and a slightly different perspective on the path I left behind.  That is reason enough to explore what lies beyond…

And what exactly am I “losing” when I’m “losing it“?  My marbles, my perspective, my rationality, my sanity?  Watching my “marbles” roll free, unconfined, fascinates me; a metaphor for chaotic order as my mind seeks patterns in the random dispersion.  Losing my perspective suggests inevitable growth, as new perspectives reveal new paths and opportunities.  Rationality, I have learned, is a volatile arena, which does not naturally synonymize with sane;  it is as possible to be perfectly lucid and rational about your delusions, as it is to be maniacal and delusional about your rationality.  No, I don’t think I’m losing anything, but I am certainly gaining a lot…

The bottom line?

Being Me is an adventure, an endless path explored.  There may be hidden dangers along the road, and certain criticism, crises once in a while, and long periods of “alone” time when it feels like no one understands, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  This is the path I chose, and I do not regret it.  This is the path I choose today, and I am enjoying almost every moment of it.

Today I celebrate being Me!

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