Reflections

Self-Obsessed.

Yes, I admit it: I am totally self-obsessed.  Such is a given in the life of any alcoholic or addict, even one in recovery.  And among the mentally “ill,” a club I also claim membership in, it is both the seed of our sickness and the beginning of a healthier way of being.  For we must begin by truly seeing our selves; first as victims (because that is how sickness expresses itself), and then as survivors (because that allows us to place that victimization in time – behind us).  All of that before we can begin to see ourselves in positions of power, with the power to transform those selves into something more closely resembling what we WANT to become…

So, yes, I am clearly self-obsessed…

And being so has caused no end of “trouble” in my life.  Take relationships, for example.  I am great at friendships, but not so much so at intimate partnerships.  Why?  Because friendships allow me to give freely of myself, while being my self; if a “friend” can no longer respect who or what I am, they are comfortable and welcome to move on, no harm done.  But in an intimate partnership, much more is involved, including commitment, compromise and communication, and all with expectations. And “expectation” is my undoing every time…

So it was that, some 12 years ago, I decided to forego such partnerships, acknowledging at long last that I am simply too selfish for such endeavors.  I am done compromising my self in the name of love, because Love itself requires no such self-sacrifice.  Love is a gift I freely give, without expectation or conditions, and I will not allow myself to be “forced”  again into choosing between a lovers’ relationship and what’s best for me.  And since such an attitude is clearly unfair for any potential partner, I choose no partner for my self, and no harm done…

But I genuinely admire those who can make such partnerships work, for that is clearly a deep and meaningful life path to choose.  So I am not anti-lovers, just pro-self.  And clearly obsessed with me…

And that’s where things start to get interesting for me.  When self-obsessed becomes obsessed with self, it changes everything; it becomes, for me, a path of spirituality.  Because developing one’s self, becoming all that one can be seems a worthy goal to me.  And in so doing, my greatest flaw transforms into one of my greatest assets, bringing focus, determination and commitment to bear on my journey.  And with them comes clarity…

Which brings to mind an off-the-cuff comment I made once to a friend, which has followed me, been thrown back in my face over the years, time and time again…

“You are not the center of The Universe,” I told her, “though you are most certainly the center of yours.”

And that still makes sense to me…  For if it is true that we create our own realities, then my reality should certainly revolve around me, as yours should revolve around you.  The magic happens where those universes merge, and we become co-Creators of All-That-Is, as we were meant to be…

And it is in that co-Creation that “God” becomes most evident to me; both the god that resides in each of us, that IS each of us, and the God that is Us, creating The Universe and All-That-Is….

So yes, I am definitely self-obsessed.  But I cannot say, with all honesty, that it is a “bad” thing to be…

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4 thoughts on “Self-Obsessed.

  1. Actually we can hear him in our desperate times, where we need his guiding heart he is there. When you have destroyed your ego, pride and in your dispare carefully listen and he will answer.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Such “house-cleaning” does indeed lead to a place of receptive silence, in which we can hear what we most need to hear, and I believe the Universe puts people in our path to say them. I thank you for reminding me… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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