NoBloPoMo, Reflections, self-discovery

Nature of the Beast (Day 14)

*** Please be advised that what follows constitutes a rant, so I ask you not to read this if you are easily offended or upset by such biased points of view.  I am not writing it to start a debate, but merely because I need to vent tonight, if only to relieve the pressure.  I will not respond to any comments seeking to drag me into a fight.  Period.  Nor will I be offended if you choose to not read it; actually, I will probably feel relieved, as this is not the version of me I like to express publicly.  You have been warned… ***

Today was Friday the 13th, an unlucky day by many beliefs, but always lucky for me.  I had a good day: I worked hard, finishing my work week, and looking forward to having tomorrow off. I got my necessary bills paid, did my errands, even got to stop off and see my pregnant daughter (both she and the baby are healthy – yay!); stopping at my daughter’s provided the added reward of seeing my grandson and picking up some home-cooked food for dinner (my daughter’s cooking always makes me feel grateful to be alive!).  I had been pleasantly distracted all day by what I wanted to write tonight, torn though I was between completing the next chapter of “Nemesis” and a poem that had been haunting me all day which celebrates life.

Both pieces of writing I was truly looking forward to, so it hardly counts as a dilemma; the hardest part being what to publish tonight, for I don’t have time to write both.  The poem is more ephemeral, and I know that if I fail to capture the words soon, they will be gone; such a loss does not appeal to me because the message and the mood are compelling.  The Nemesis  story, however, is quite exciting, and tonight was the night I was destined to truly “meet” my nemesis.  The conversation that had been haunting my thoughts since last night sounded fascinating in my head, providing two sides to both the faces of “good” and “evil.”; thus inadvertently fulfilling the minor mission objective of creating a somewhat sympathetic villain.

All happy, creative, productive things today, making me feel happy, creative and productive today.  And then I got home…

I walk into the house to discover that my cat has caught himself a mouse, and must have done so very recently given the condition of the little critter; for he was still quite active, and my cat was thoroughly enjoying toying with him.  I have heard it said that cats are the only other creatures besides humans who hunt for sport, and simply because they enjoy the game; they are also supposedly the only other non-human animal known to torture their prey before killing it.  And it seems to be true (by my experience anyway) that male cats are more likely to leave their prey broken and helpless, but not dead, while the females will torture and play, but almost always ensure the prey is dead before leaving it alone.

It is not a trait that I admire in my cat any more than I admire it in my fellow humans, and yet I love my cat dearly, and all cats for that matter.  So I accept him (and all of them) as they are, by telling myself it is the “nature of the beast,” and not my place to judge.  If this is how a cat’s instinct drives him to be, then who am I to try and question or change that behavior?  And, truth be told, I am grateful that he is such an experienced hunter, lest my house be overrun with mice as it was when we moved in…

And just before I settled down to write, I decided to check in with Facebook, just to see if anything of significance was happening with family or friends.  I started with an article about the corruption in the pharmaceutical industry, and how mentally ill patients are being cruelly abused in the name of personal and corporate greed; I was saddened but not shocked, knowing such activity is everywhere, and those who are guilty of perpetrating such crimes against humanity will never be punished for it, because they have all the power in today’s world.  There is no such thing as justice anymore, and everyday I look about my world I see more evidence of that; from petty quarrels over coffee cups, to animal cruelty, to political corruption and exemption from the law.   And it was then I started to see posts about Paris today…

Keep in mind that I do not watch TV news much, as I find it biased and inaccurate, and often times the inanity of what they report on, and the things they say, upset me much more than I care to stand.  So I choose to remain ignorant of most of what goes on, trusting that information I actually need will find its way to me.  Eventually.  And I have enough people in my life who know this about me, that I am lucky that it usually does, as those people can be counted on to pass on news of significance to me.  But I was not prepared to hear about the attacks on the people of Paris today…

OK, maybe not entirely true, if I am honest.  Just yesterday I’d had a vision during meditation of a youth walking with a large and loaded gun.  I never saw his/her face, but the purposefulness of the stride, and the way the gun swung confidently while they walked, led me to be concerned.  I suspected another mass shooting was about to occur, so I asked a couple people I know stay up on things to keep me in the loop if something should happen; but I also know, from past experience, that my issue with Time runs deep, and so often times these “visions” do not manifest in a timely enough fashion to actually mean anything at all.  And truthfully, I suspected shootings on a much smaller scale, like at a school or mall or such…  (How is it even possible to make such shootings seem so trivial??!)

This morning my meditation brought a vision of another as well, though this time it was a young girl playing happily in her room.  She couldn’t have been any older than 5 or 6, and she was playing make-believe with her dolls.  While I watched her, she sat back, glancing out the window behind her, then wrapped her arms around her knees, resting her chin on her knee caps, her whole demeanor darkening.  I felt sad, knowing somehow her whole life had just changed; the innocence of youth had fled before my eyes, and I knew there was nothing anyone could do to protect that child now from the harshness of a reality none of us can control…

And so…  Paris.

I felt nothing as the news began to trickle in to me; nothing but numb shock, and profound confusion.  How?  Why?

Why???!

I could not cry at first, though I am certainly crying now as I write this, for I cannot comprehend the nature of this beast called terrorism… called humanity.  I understand the words, of course, and the method of making a point; I get why it works, generating fear and confusion, destroying complacency, making a statement loud enough for the whole world to hear.  But I do not understand the hearts of those who participate in such acts…  To take our individual rage out on strangers, whose only likely crime against us might be crossing our path, is simply incomprehensible to me, no matter how great one’s rage against society is.  I just don’t get that!  I cannot accept that – the cruelty, the permanence, the pointlessness; for if such violence was going to work to change the behavior of governments and the like, then surely some of the countless examples of such acts would have yielded some victories by now!  But the only victory is the creation of more enemies, and more senseless violence, and more innocent children whose lives are forever altered for the worst…

And so such violence is not about changing anything, is it?  It is only about acting as one wishes, expressing one’s power over another to pointless ends; the most extreme form of narcissism, in a world that celebrates self-aggrandizement at any cost.  I cannot find an ounce of compassion in my soul for creatures that act in this manner, for they make the darkest villain I can imagine seem like a saint in comparison!

But I can accept my cat…

And so I become guilty of the kind of hypocrisy I so detest, for this attitude flies in the face of everything that I believe.  I believe that we are all One, more alike than we are different in the end.  I believe that we each should live our lives according to our own natures, free of judgment.  I believe that we teach and test one another by reflecting to each other the lessons we most need to learn.  I believe that each of us has value in this world today, and are deserving of love and compassion…  But I can not believe any of that right now, in the face of such an horrific attack against innocents…

And there are even sadder facts to digest, for as terrible as these acts in Paris are, they pale in comparison to what is happening to people all around the world; voiceless victims are everywhere – in Africa, the Middle East, the streets of Europe, the villages of South America, and here in my own country, in the streets of the very city in which I live, considered one of the most dangerous places to live in America today.  And the crimes against humanity are fueled and funded by my own government, whom I did not elect, and who have been shown to be guilty of countless crimes here (including treason), but who have never faced or feared “justice”!  And yet they are, in part, funded by me, doing my very best to be an honorable, upright citizen who goes to work, and pays my taxes and my bills.  I pay to support such violence and upheaval in the world!!!

And people ask me if I cannot imagine a scenario when I might be tempted to employ such violence myself?  And I honestly do not know the answer…  For I have certainly felt such violence in my soul, times when I would gladly have killed another, times I would have wanted to see them suffer first, and I’m not sure I would have truly regretted it had I acted on those desires.  Because if these people out there, fighting for their “beliefs” are in any way correct, then their actions are justified within their own minds.  In the name of religion, politics, greed and revenge, they are sanctified and holy in perpetrating such intolerance and forcing their opinion down the throats of all who disagree!  And each and every one of them is a reflection of me!…

Perhaps it is the nature of the beast, after all.  Perhaps we are all damned, and doomed to self-destruct, taking down as much life as possible along the way.  Perhaps that is just the way it is today.  And there is no hope for any of us…  For while there may be “good” people out there, doing incredibly “good” things, that light seems so insignificant when weighed against the shadow consuming our world today.  Perhaps the best thing us “good” people could do is to die today, and let evil have its way.  For clearly we cannot stop it; we can’t even slow it down, and I, personally, have grown weary of bearing witness to their journeys, for it weighs heavily on my soul to admit we are related…

But worse for me is owning that we are indeed One, and if I were to die today and be absorbed back into that grander Self, then I, myself, would be responsible for the havoc wreaked today.

All of it…

And that’s exactly how I feel in this moment, right or wrong…

And yes, I’m glad that mouse is dead!  I killed it, after all…

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