Reflections

An apology of sorts…

It has been brought to my attention by a kind and wise soul that my previous post might not have said clearly what I wanted it to say.  Ironic, actually, since the post was about intention and expectation…  Of particular concern is the final portion, a “challenge” I issued, which might easily have been misinterpreted.  The actual passage went like this:

“There you go, Expectations!  I defy you today!

Come on, then…  I dare you!

Expectation, how do you respond to this?!

(And yes, I am calling you out!  I believe that is somewhere in the definition of “defiance” itself…  Or maybe I just made that part up…)”

In all honesty, it never occurred to me that passage might be interpreted as a challenge to my readers to get more involved by providing more feedback, but when I read it again now, I see how that might be so…

My only “excuse” is that I was running late for work, and I wanted to finish it, but that’s not really a fair excuse.  Bottom line is this post “failed”.  It failed because it might not have communicated what I was actually trying to say…

For clarity’s sake, I was personifying my own expectations, and attempting to defy them.  And here’s why…

I have always, in my attempts to “fit in,” adjusted my “presentation” of my self to be what others seem to want me to be, developing an outward persona that is non-confrontational, meek, mild and adaptable; I want to be perceived as “normal” as possible, since I recognize how deep my “abnormality” goes.  In recent years I have been slowly, but steadily refuting that logic for myself, recognizing that I, as myself, have as much right to be as any other.  In fact, I cannot truly be who I want to be if I cannot first accept who I am!

That journey of self-expression has reached a peak recently, leading to this particular post, in which I attempted to openly defy those urges to conform.  I chose to use an example of “feedback” in the blogging world because it seemed easily accessible and relatable to other bloggers here.  But as Elusive Trope also pointed out, my subconscious clearly had other intentions…

Or perhaps not…  For what better way is there to confront your fear of rejection than by doing something that clearly invites rejection?  That is likely also the reason I feel the need to publicly flog myself with it, rather than letting it quietly slip by…  lol!

In any event, I offer sincere apologies to anyone who read that post and felt offended, or “called out” by it; it was never my intention, consciously or otherwise, to imply that you, the reader, have somehow failed me…

** Crawling back into my rabbit hole to lick my self-inflicted wounds…**

But I will be back.  And I will be my self, regardless of how this all pans out.  I am still feeling defiant and determined about that!

 

 

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15 thoughts on “An apology of sorts…

  1. Hi Lisa.
    I don’t think you need to worry on that score. The WordPress community seems to be one that thrives on the positive call to express. And reading the responses to your earlier post I would say (again) Good for you, you had positive & interesting responses (err…now it looks like I’m including my own….err…all the other responses I meant….stopping now)
    As opposed to being accused of having a closed mind because I am a Christian who also embraces scientific explanation (I think the guy was miffed because I would agree with his views)…..Lesson leant avoid ‘discussion’ forums- talk to brick walls instead, some walls are quite friendly in their appearance.
    Keep up the good work
    Best wishes
    Roger
    PS: Just a thought….You could go back over your posts and see if you could meld them into a self-publish book of thoughts and views, with a connecting commentary…You never know where it might lead.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lol! Now you are just taking words out of my head, my having just expressed this in my response to your comment on the previous page! (So, where exactly were you the other day when someone was in my machine stealing my words as I attempted to type them? *tapping my fingers expectantly* well? Lol!)

      I, personally find brick walls quite receptive, if somewhat unimaginative in their discussions. They are certainly easy to follow, and rarely misinterpreted, as their thoughts line up neatly in a row, layer after layer, in whatever argument they engage in. Quite predictable and simple to anticipate where they are going next… 🙂

      As for any potential book here, I suspect it would only wind up collecting dust like all the others. However, it might make me feel a tad bit less self-conscious about not dusting, protecting its tiny portion of the shelf…

      Have a wonderful day, dear friend! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Gotta say first that when I read the word “abnormality” I flashed back Mel Brooks’ “Young Frankenstein”:
    Dr. Frankenstein: [Holds up hand] Ah. Good. Uh… would you mind telling me… whose brain… I did put in?
    Igor: And you won’t be angry?
    Dr. Frankenstein: I will not be angry.
    Igor: [Shrugs] Abby…someone.
    Dr. Frankenstein: Abby someone? Abby who?
    Igor: Abby Normal.
    Dr. Frankenstein: [takes a deep breath] Abby Normal?
    Igor: I’m almost sure that was the name.

    I suppose I have come to not only embrace my “abby normal” brain, but to proud of it sometimes, referring to it as “My Beautiful Mind” (another good movie). The urge to conform is strong (just like The Force?), yet one must seek to become attuned to where one’s spirit wishes to go. Sometimes that means conforming, or at least looks like conforming from the outside. Mindless non-conformity is as bad as mindless conformity.

    Maybe a way to look at expectations is the only expectation one puts on oneself is to be true to oneself, which means working on finding out what true to oneself (that life long process). As long as one gives it the effort, there is no reason for self-flagellation, nor to allow others to flagellate you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I love that movie, and that particular scene!!

      And you are very wise, my friend. I have, indeed, been on a journey of self-discovery, trying to determine on a daily basis what being “true to myself” might be. I trust the answer will evolve and change as I do…

      As for self-flagellation, it was purely instinctive and reactive; once I’d seen how it might have been misunderstood, I immediately needed to act. In hindsight, however, I “see” that my “mistake” was not nearly as damning as it felt in the moment. It has, however, led to several interesting discoveries about myself, so I take it as a “win” in the end…

      Thanks for your kindness and your input! And may I offer a hats off to all of us “abby normals”; the world is a much more interesting place with us in it!

      P.S. I love the line “mindless nonconformity is as bad as mindless conformity.” Downright quotable, that is! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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