Reflections

Excuse me…?

A friend of mine recently mentioned in passing that she thought I was (am) a very negative person…

I said,”What?!… Excuse me, did you just say that? For real?!…”

And then I thought to question, “Is that really how you feel?”

She shrugged nonchalantly as she turned away, saying, “Yeah. But that’s just my opinion…”

Hmmm…

Problem is, her opinion matters to me, as I have always respected her wisdom and her perceptions, even when they counteract conventional perspectives. (Or, if I’m being honest, maybe because they do…)

So I mentioned it to some other friends who know me well (though not perhaps as well), and all had the same reaction as myself: a stunned, blank look followed by a “Say what?!” or “Excuse me, could you repeat that, please?” And then the inevitable look of confusion, a slow head shake, a WTF moment in every way…

So naturally, I took it to heart…

And then to my head, seeking to add an abundance of left-brain analytics to counter that right-brain pending-epiphany moment… And I asked myself these questions (accompanied here by the answers they generated):

  1. Do I really want to know this?! Now?!

No, not really, I guess; I mean, who really wants to chew on this? It’s just gristle and bone, without substance or taste; just another excuse to slap my own face, and… Shit! That’s an awful negative response, Lisa, I have to admit… So maybe there is something here to explore, and since she brought it up now, and it’s loose in the hamster cage, now might be the best time to consider the truth of it all…

  1. You sure you’re not just looking for another reason to beat yourself up?

Which implies I like beating myself up… Chalk another point up to the negative side…

  1. But wait! Aren’t you always the one finding the “silver lining”? Aren’t you always looking for the “good” in things, situations, and people?

Where the key word is “looking”? Yes, that’s me. But the fact that I have to look reveals much, doesn’t it? After all, I have spent a lifetime learning not to speak the first thought that comes to mind when speaking with others; I take full advantage of that first (or second, or third, etc.) breath to consider my response before making it. But be honest, what is my first reaction? Usually…

Well, that would run along the lines of “are you kidding me?!” Or, “is he serious?” Or even more often, something like, “did that really just happen?!”

Blame it on my mental history, or my childhood, or simply my experience with other people, but my first, gut-level response in most cases is denial, reproach, ridicule, or simply an acknowledgment that this is how it always is, and that is never how I want it to be…

Sounds pretty negative to me…

  1. So… So… Shit! I got nothing else…

Exactly!

Bottom line? My friend is right! I am a very negative person. Which is something of a shock to me to discover and admit (as you can see), for everything within me wants to deny this observation (interpreted “accusation” by me). I routinely hope for the best while expecting the worst. I squander potential in the name of acceptance. I am a skeptic and a pessimist wearing the rainbow cloak of an optimist. I respect the rest of the world, while secretly hiding my “true” self. And then I wonder why I feel stuck in a rut so often… lol!

It’s not that I hate myself. I actually do enjoy myself. It’s not so much that I feel guilt or shame about who I am or what I’ve done, for much work has preceded this particular revelation, and I have no problem forgiving myself for my faults. I can even admit them publicly, once I’ve admitted them to myself. No… This is something much deeper than surface work can touch…

This particular form of negativity is not rational. And while it might have originated as a form of self-defense in response to real-life stimuli, I believe it has outlived its purpose. And I’ll tell you why…

So much has been thrown at me lately about self-empowerment, about owning, using, claiming my own unique place in the world. And I have struggled so to understand my so-called “purpose” for being here. This negativity is a root-cause of so much “failure” in my journey; and likely even the root cause. For no matter how clear my rational assertions are (affirmations), no matter how strong my convictions about something (faith), my initial (heretofore unacknowledged) attitude is denial prior to the attempt. And I wonder why I “fail”?!!! Duh, Lisa!

When the first step of every new endeavor begins with the passing thought, “this is going to be another waste of time,” it is bound to become a fairly barren field, no matter how much you water it with positive afterthoughts, or fertilize it with emotional desire! There is much truth to the idea that first impressions are the most lasting ones…

So, how do I change this about myself? I don’t know yet, though I am open to suggestions from the Universe and its inhabitants. Merely correcting those first thoughts can only take me so far, which is where I am today. Somehow, I need to find a way to actually change those first thoughts to something more positive and empowering…

So, excuse me please, while I self-disintegrate… I trust my re-integration will be worth the wait, when the work is done…

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18 thoughts on “Excuse me…?

  1. I am tempted to laugh because I noticed no one wanted to touch this subject. This let me break the ice (as this Chimp os often does). Never noticed you were a negative person. Training oneself to focus on the good takes time, but it can be done. There are so many good things that can happen when one learns about the laws of attraction. Life is too short to focus on the negative or attract it with negative thoughts. I am sure you are not as negative as your think.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I appreciate you jumping in with such positive words of support. Truly! And I agree that much positive thinking can be learned, as I believe I have done…

      But still… That first, instantaneous reaction… That part I haven’t changed. Yet… But I will…

      How’s that for positive thinking? 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • I have acquired a perception of you through your blog posts, comments, reactions. One single post here, saying this, isn’t enough to alter my overall perception of you from everything. Of course, I would not have left a comment saying “I don’t think you are negative” if you hadn’t made a blog post suggesting you were so, as it would not have entered my head. I would say that generally i do sometimes form impressions that people are negative though, but not you. Rarely do I feel bloggers are negative (I have found a few) as simply blogging requires a certain kind of mindless optimism to persist 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Excellent answer, my friend! I may not have convinced you of my negativity, but you may have brought me closer to identifying with my more positive nature. Thank you for that!

        And yes, I understand that concept of “mindless optimism” that comes with blogging… Like, who would possibly be interested enough in my demented thoughts to actually read this stuff?! And yet they do… lol!

        Thanks for being one who does… 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree that blogging in itself is a positive act, it takes courage! It seems that perhAps your friend was projecting a bit, for considering all you have to deal with, you write with an upbeat manner, gritty honesty and great style. I don’t think that would be possible if you were truly a negative person. IMHO, that was quite a negative statement. I don’t think most people are negative. I do think folks that spend a lot of time hating others most likely hate themselves, and don’t feel any of that coming from you.

    Brave and beautiful Lisa, I am thankful to know you here in this realm. Keep on keeping on, I just did a meditation led by Patricia Cota-Robles, who says that anytime we turn our attention to the Light, the energy is amplified a thousand fold at this point in time, because of where we are in our ascension process and the positions of the stars and the assistance of the Companies of Heaven. So despite all appearances, things are looking up! Shine on, crazy diamond, shine on.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Here I am, like late again! Sorry about that.
    Anyway Lisa
    Going with kameamoonmaiden here.
    You write about Life, as you see it. And as we know Life is not simple nor is it all fluffy bunnies. sunshines, and happy jolly pixies. So you’ve come out and said your piece. That’s affirmative. Never let anyone take this away from you. Write from your heart and full steam ahead.
    Folk are peculiar as well; they say odd things and odd times; friends, family and who knows who.
    Keep on keeping on, that’s what I have to say!!
    Take care you.

    Liked by 1 person

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