Essay, Reflections, Uncategorized

“Pack Mentality…”

Ok, so I’ve noticed a trend lately.  Who hasn’t really?  But before you stiffen your spine, and your objections, in preparation for defending your point of view, let me assure you this post is not about politics, or rascism, or religion, or violence, or anything else that is trending in the world today.  This post is about me (as most of them are), and about my thoughts.  Not what they are, so much, as about how they are, and how they behave…

Lately I have been “wrong” about many things.  Not that that fact is itself unusual, as I have no trouble admitting when I am wrong.  Once I discover that fact, anyway.  No, this is significant because of the way I’ve been wrong.  It’s true that I have been wrong about facts, as more information has been quick to reveal; I accept that as a given, as well as its corrolary that my opinion, based on such factual data, will change as well, when more complete information is obtained.  I call that fair and adaptable.

What seems different these days is the number of times my feelings have been wrong…

But let’s be clear about what that means to me.  I see a distinction between emotional feelings like love, anger, sadness and frustration, and “knowing” feelings, more frequently referred to as intuition, empathy, and insight.  I trust my emotional feelings to be transitory and temporary.  And I trust my knowing feelings to be accurate and reliable, based on a lifetime of experience, when they have rarely let me down.  When that certainty comes to me at a feeling level, I trust it without question.  And that has always worked for me.  But not so much anymore…

Those knowing feelings have been challenged in the past, of course, and occasionally they have actually been wrong.  But usually, any discrepancies between those feelings and reality have disappeared over time.  Turns out, that level of knowing often covers a much broader time scale than immediate circumstances suggest; in other words the knowing seems relevant in the present but only becomes relevant in the future.  And while they have at times been mis-timed by up to 20 years, they almost always prove true in the end.  And so I have come to rely on them…

Lately, though, that doesn’t seem to be the case, as “facts” are fairly quickly revealed that directly dispute those intuitions.  And I’m not sure how to react to that reality…?  Since I rely heavily on my internal sense of knowing to maintain my balance and focus in a shifting and tumultuous world, that loss of certainty strikes me at my core, leaving me ungrounded and vulnerable to the ebb and flow of illusory experience…

Then today, while shuffling a deck of cards, it occurred to me how many of my feeling-thought constructs are automatic; they operate according to a pack mentality.  [This] feeling leads to [that] thought, immediately, and without review, like cards stuck together in a deck.  No matter how many times or ways you shuffle the deck, the years of sticky snacks and spilled drinks assure that some cards stay together, unless you purposely pull them apart.  But first you have to notice that they are stuck…

It might be that sense of thickness against your fingertips that gives the connection away.  Or maybe just a passing observation that these two cards always show up in play together.  Or maybe it doesn’t occur to you as the dealer at all, until someone accuses you of cheating by stacking the deck.  But until that awareness comes, you continue to play as though the randomness encouraged by shuffling is real and sufficient to produce a new hand every deal.  But it’s really not, is it?

And that’s where I’m at with these knowing feelings and their reactive thoughts: just beginning to suspect that the deck is stacked, and no longer accurately engaging the principles of chaos and synchronicity that define their significance!

So where does that leave me, and all my knowingness?

I am being “forced” to slow down and examine everything, to pry apart the feelings and thoughts and examine what connects them.  And I have to question everything!  I feel like I’ve been thrown back 30+ years in time to when I first attempted to create a mental framework that would allow me to distinguish between what was “real for me” and what was reality.  I am experiencing once again that profound confusion between my perceptions and what appears to be true; that deep suspicion that I cannot trust my self anymore.  And the silence, both verbal and mental, that ensues.

Because I have learned the hard way that if you do not know, even in your own mind, then it is best to say nothing at all.  That’s just common sense.  But for me that voice is also silenced internally, experienced as moments of “emptiness” into which no thoughts or feelings dare venture.  Total brain-blanks.  And it is discomfitting at best, disturbing at its base, and distressing at its worst…

So I ask myself (and if you are reading this, that includes you), is this just me, or are we all suffering from this same feeling-thought pack mentality?  Is this somehow a reflection of the shifting paradigms so in our faces today, as these gut level feeling-thought-reactions are exposed and proved to be wrong in the world we are creating now?  Is this disassembling of our mental constructs a necessary process to our growth, a precursor to any sort of true enlightenment?

Or am I merely relapsing into honest “crazy” again?

Just curious, I guess…




40 thoughts on ““Pack Mentality…”

  1. I have many of those moments lately as well, and feel it is indeed part of the ascension process, as all the layers of the crumbling paradigm in our outer and underworld peel away. The discomfort I liken to that which an oyster experiences when transforming a grain of sand into a pearl.

    Having a frequently overactive mind, there are times when being in a state of no thoughts is comforting – of course it’s what I strive for in meditation – I do a lot of visualization types, but the purest form of bliss is in the space beyond these.

    Questioning everything is essential! Things are pretty strange these days, sweet Lisa. Glad your hanging in there.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, Kami for your support and love, as always!

      I agree that meditative emptiness is powerful and desireable, but this blankness I’m referring to happens in the course of daily living. Like mid-sentence, when I’m talking, and suddenly nothing is there. I become aware again the the other person is looking at me, waiting, but I have no way to respond. Or mid-action (walking, lifting, eating, etc), when I just stop, like someone hit the pause button, or yelled “freeze” in that kids game I used to play. Not conducive to adult social interactions at all! Lol!

      Sometimes the pause is barely noticeable, and other times it seems interminable. But I’m sure I’ll figure something out eventually. Hopefully before someone decides to lock me up again

      Liked by 1 person

      • I can sure relate to blanking out, it’s happened to me before. Actually, when I discontinued the wretched xanax in April, and I was on quite a low dose, I was not only blanking out, I was completely forgetting things. Couldn’t sleep more than three or four hours at a time, and that only every 2-3 days. My daughter took me to Wal-Mart to buy groceries, and I handed her the basket before going into the restroom, then forgot and thought someone had stolen them! I actually yelled about it at that time as I was alarmed, OMG.

        It took a while for that issue to settle down. Then the Gingko Biloba began to help a lot, as did the brain regeneration meditations.

        We’re in that window right before the Lion’s Gate opens and the incoming energies are so intense, it’s going to affect each of us on unique ways. This too will pass, may you feel better soon!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Asuariam0 says:

    In my opinion, we aren’t based on what we know, but what we understand. You’ve already been enlightened, which has opened your eyes to all the things that are trying to keep us in the dark. Don’t let the current state of being turn you away from shining your light.


  3. ANM7 says:

    It is important that we reassess. What we work with is a product of the internal. Therefore mere vesture for the internal. I’m hiding, I’m hiding, aren’t I not….
    So, though we spin off from the truth which is internal, it plays us, we are but pawns. Shakespeare’s poor actor.
    No negotiable substances, nothing to show but the Big Stall. But when it is all over and done is when we meet the internal.
    The innate is the horror intuited which drives us to seek value; Vesture.
    The truth in fact has been incorporated in such a way into the affairs of everyday life that it, is a disempowered truth, diffused. The mastering innate has to dress it up in myth, that we remain ignorant unapproached by its horror.
    Thank you for you diversion. Well done. Entertaining

    Liked by 1 person

    • Intriguing and thoughtful comment, ANM7! You have me thinking…

      I am particularly fascinated by this line: “The innate is the horror intuited which drives us to seek value; Vesture.” I’m not sure I understand what you are saying, but I want to… 🙂

      I get two conflicting impressions as I read your words. On one hand, you seem to suggest that we create truth internally, then cast it out into the world, disguising it as “other” because… because we do not want to own our part in creating it?

      On the other hand, it seems the truth we create manifests as all-that-is, becoming diluted and unrecognizable by we who create it, deluding ourselves into believing we are somehow separated in reality from that truth, which is impossible, as we create the reality, the delusion we call reality, and the fundamental truth beneath it all…

      But the innate horror… that part escapes me, while feeling significant…

      P.S. Love the “Big Stall” concept! I’m not sure what you meant by it, but it captures vividly my experiences with these moments of profound silence… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • ANM7 says:

        I love your reply, and in all honesty, ashamed to confess, yet it is tribute owed; I thought you were a man. I incorrectly adjudged this (preferentially no doubt). I apologize.
        Your assessments here, concerning what I wrote show much skill. I would like to point out one something; “We create truth internally”….
        We are Void driven creatures. There is a Void within which drives all humanity. I once told this young man, “Everything we do in life, absolutely everything is merely to accumulate and Identify with Value.” “Listen to people talk, on the bus, the train, in the store…”
        The Void within drives us to do this. The Void is circular in the sense that it points to eternity and back. That is it which horrifies us, That it is which is intuited. The Void signifies Oblivion, waste, we are but Discard, because we are Spirit of God bereft. That Discard fact, that we are waste,is the horror intuited which when confronted with negative external experiences compels us to negate it, to Counter part it. And so the stage which humankind has set up “as negotiable value” is meaningless, worthless, reality as we propagate, advance it is Delusional.
        That young man I mentioned, was in conflict concerning me, at that time he had a tumultuous romantic relationship with my daughter, she hated and loved him but worshiped the ground I walked upon. So I in essence invoked the void within him in setting myself up as one who instructs him, a superior.
        His response to what I said was; “Not me”
        IE, he doesn’t do everything to identify with or accumulate value….
        I said in my mind; “Thank you for proving my point by wanting to be the exception”‘
        My presence diminished his sense of self worth, conflicted him so he had to diminish his anxiety by rebuffing me and anything I would have said.
        So in conclusion, the external negatives drive us inward, our psyche, where the Void within confirms the negativity of chaos, crisis, and trauma. Without the reference of the internal, we would be left with the delusion we make of life, of existence.
        We don’t create truth internally, no, truth is internal. The Void is truth, and it drives us one and all, however…
        God found a way to provide us His Life, the Void though a horror intuited can be a Godsend if heeded, mined for all its word as a messenger.
        Thank you for your graciousness. Sincerely; MAO

        Liked by 2 people

      • I truly apologize for the long delay in responding to this comment ANM7, but apparently I needed to live it for a while to truly appreciate its depth and significance…

        I “get” now what you mean about the Void, and our attempts to create Value to compensate. I see better how we delude ourselves to counter that everpresent threat of oblivion and worthlessness. I thank you, sincerely, for opening my eyes to this perspective, as I have learned much exploring it.

        Yet, in the end, I find my desire for self-delusion, my need to feel valuable in spite of valid assessments that might contradict that notion, is stronger and more compelling than my desire to face this particular truth. I tell myself I am valuable in my mere existence; that the Universe, the world, my community, family, employer, etc., even God (the Divine Source) benefits simply because I DO exist. Some miracle of chaos aligned to create ME in all my imperfection and potential; thus my existence itself is proof of my value. (Well, I kinda had to prove your theory by being an exception, right? 😉 )

        In any event, I am grateful that you took the time, and expressed an interest great enough to set me on this path of exploration; such adds to my delusion of self-worth. I may be mere Waste and Discard eventually, but for now I have a place and a purpose in this manufactured reality I call home…

        And no apologies about the mis-gender communication; for some reason that happens to me a lot. One of the reasons I started writing and commenting under my “Lisa” name, rather than use just my initials as I was prone to doing… lol!

        Liked by 1 person

      • ANM7 says:

        No need to apologize likewise for the delay. However as with your activity of reclaiming your Value, sustaining and vesturing self with purpose (as you subtly noted) is something promulgated by the Void within. It is circular, so insular that it is difficult to staunch its plan, intent which is to distract, make of us delusional.
        It is the wheel the gerbil goes round and round in.
        Another thing; Because it is the earnest, a patch we subscribe to of Oblivion, of Discard, it is also the home, the foundation for all fear, we create things, literature containing fearsome poetic things, and such is the employ of the Void that it might appear commonplace. It, being the source of our, any anxiety, all anxiety is the source of all drive. Our need to identify with Value. Provoker.
        Point is that you are so smart. I’ve been impressed in this direction by your expressions.
        So, I but sought to provide one entity, you with more food for thought.
        I know it is daunting to switch horses midstream. But I want to leave with a thanks for such introspection, and caution, don’t take the easy way out. I know you find it impossible to change your mission to make a difference in life, make a mark, establish your “individuality” which in truth belongs to the Void and therefore you take your place among humanity, another “matrix” inhabitant. I know how this must sound, ranking, I’m putting a belief down, but it is not personal, and it could only be impersonal if I direct a finger at what is in truth the stifling of the individual.
        Much love, sincerely; MAO
        PS; read some of my post (archives) for you are intelligent enough to dismiss fear, dismiss desperation, and conformity.
        God has fashioned what I am, any sign of intelligence must be attributed to His Spirit.

        Liked by 1 person

      • A simple thank you must suffice here, MAO, for you must know that I appreciate this wisdom (and caution) you have expressed. And I will dive into your archives, for your perspective calls to me, intrigues me, and I wish to explore it further…

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Of course mental lapses can be caused by chemical imbalances caused either by consuming brain altering substances or enduring excessive stresses wrought by our environment. When I find myself unsure in my space , I usually realize that I am not really focusing on the task at hand but am distracted by some unresolved issue. IE I am mentally not “present” in the moment. Good luck ! ; )

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, William! It’s definitely not from consuming brain altering substances in my case, since I have been drug free (illegal and psychiatric) for over 30 years. Stresses? Maybe, though I don’t feel particularly stressed. Not sure how helpful that statement is, though, in light of my writing a whole post about how I can’t trust my feelings anymore. Lol!

      But clearly, I am not present in those moments, as you say, which is the exact excuse I use to “laugh off” the embarrassment of those awkward social moments.

      I appreciate the insight into possible unresolved issues. You are wise, sir… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are welcome, I’m sure . Having slept on my comment I would like to extrapolate on it a bit. What I failed to impress involves the mundane nature of the circumstances surrounding these episodes for me. If I am very familiar with the give and take of the situation, I find that I am more likely to lapse in my attention to the more immediate need in favor of one that I may not really be certain of. Kinda hard to find words for “deep” thinkin’ sometimes ! lol ; )

        Liked by 2 people

      • I see what you are saying here…

        When I used to write books, it was a well worn joke that I was never present in the here and now. I would go about my life (work, home routine, etc) and later not remember a thing because my mind was caught up in following the stories I was writing. My ex-husband and daughter became quite used to my frequent absences… lol! But they learned that a conversation had during those times was probably pointless, because I usually remembered nothing of them, only occasionally coming back to check in…

        The downside I guess to a vivid imagination and a mind eager to delve life’s mysteries… 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Here’s hoping the following makes a bit of sense to you.

    Part of the so-called “enlightenment” process is learning not to trust feelings. We are feeling creatures and we use our feelings to “create” all the social constructs we are surrounded by. I’ll let you judge on how well that works. Feelings lead to emotions and emotions are what I call the exhaust of our Earthian-based life.

    In Matrix process, things proceed from point A to B to C, etc., and that’s how the controlling authorities keep their power over us. When I was under the teachings of “the Teachers” I was taught how to break that cycle. Complete “A” but don’t continue to “B”. Instead, stop and assess what “A” means now. File it. (imagine empty mind space here). Pick something else to work on, independently of “A”. Call it “B” if you want, but it isn’t. It’s another “A” – a new thing. The links between these events become obvious later, but are not needed to the process.

    I had to learn to engage different aspects of life as if I were an alien suddenly dropped into a situation for which I had no references. Each event was a new thing. It was disconcerting, but it’s how we build self-empowerment. I was forced to decide how to act in situations for which I had no previous programming. I had to create the new programming, my own, to deal with each. In other words, I could not use any previous programming (Matrix thinking) to engage or resolve any new situation, event, condition. So, as you mention, there were a lot of blank spaces between events, spaces normally filled by the necessary clap-trap of normal social interaction.

    During the first few years I “lost” basically everything that matters to a normal Earthian, only to discover much later that these “losses” were huge gains in freedom of mind and understanding of how people remain enslaved to concepts that don’t work. For example, in your country right now there’s all that prather about a presidential election, and what to do when the choice is between evil and more evil, corruption and more corruption. Matrix thinking insists you have to choose the lesser of evils. Higher thinking says you don’t have to engage such madness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Excellent explanation of your process, Sha’Tara. Thank you!

      If I am understanding you correctly, then I might interpret these recent experiences as necessary steps in the reprogramming process…

      I especially appreciate the description of considering each new experience as something alien and unconnected to previous interpretations, as that gives me a workable format with which to process this unfamiliarity…

      At least it’s a start…

      Huge hugs, my friend! And thanks!


  6. Much of what you said may matter to you now Lisa, but please remember something very important. We are basically dust blowing in the wind. All that we think or do is in preparation for one thing only. It is our final breath.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi Lisa.
    Sorry for the delay (‘stuff’ keeps getting in the way)
    This was another honest and challenging post, asking us all by reading it to look into ourselves and evaluate (or perceive).
    From my own experiences over this year, in relation to external factors (Oh heck I’ve gone Civil Servant again, sorry ’bout that).
    The turbulence which is the way of life for many communities in the world had come to ‘The West’, we have experienced vitriolic politics (right across the spectrum), we have witnessed random violence in places where we would not expect it And we’ve had to absorb not just those tragedies but the ridiculous narrow-minded quick-fit solutions, or just hate. All this impacts on the individual. The individual feels the pain, the shock, the anger, the terror, the fury; the urge to do or say something.
    This of course impacts into Life, causes us to be in a state of questioning, doubting, challenging. In this storm are raised painful memories, embarrassing ones, and unfinished business.
    We are thus ships on Life’s ocean, and the storm is upon us; to keep on course we are constantly making adjustments, in doing this we feel fear, we feel triumph, we feel worry, we are grasped by awe. We are concentrating on the storm, and all becomes flux to survive it.
    To my mind it is small wonder we are thus ever shifting and often forgetting, because are mind is in the constant act of survival. “Those threats, it feels, could come to me”. “Those threat and acts are abhorrent, I wish I could do something about them to stop the threat”.
    Hold true to yourselves, hold true to your faith. This is not a weakness in you, this is the World come storming at your craft. Hold fast Captain and stay out the tempest..
    Take care Lisa and very best wishes to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Some great thoughts, Lisa…. 😉

    We can’t escape the energetics that bind us as a species. We need to understand the cause and effect relationships for which each of us is responsible. Individual thoughts and actions are a myth in the context that we a parts of a completed whole. The current energetics being streamed into the process are predominantly chaotic, as we all can clearly surmise.

    enjoy the day ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • This is so true, Rob! We are all entangled together, aren’t we? 😉

      Yet there must still be hope somewhere, lest we all become entrapped rather than just entangled. Still, avoiding that requires cooperation which seems sadly lacking in today’s practice (though it thrives well in theory – lol!)…

      Trying to keep the faith here, but if it sounds as strained as it feels, I apologize…


  9. Jeyran Main says:

    You have a very beautiful website. I look forward to coming back and reading more. Please stop by mine and if you like, follow back.


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