Reflections

“Silence Speaks…”

Sitting with the pain today.  In silence…

For there are no words for what I am feeling.  Yet speak I must.  If only to reassure myself that all of this is real, and not simply some paranoid delusion I have constructed for myself…

I saw this coming.  I spoke freely of it.  I knew before I cast my vote yesterday that the election was lost.  We were losers either way, but something warned me to be afraid anyway.  I voted my conscience, as I said I would, but I sensed them out there – the silent majority, lurking, waiting, for just the right moment to speak.

“You’re being paranoid!,” people told me, and I couldn’t counter that.

“I hope so,” I assured them.  But the anxiety I felt was real…

And as I watched the results come in, I knew…  It’s not paranoia if it’s true.

Silence…  All conscious thought ceases…

Single words and phrases flicker through the blankness of my mind…

Stunned…

Shocked…

Surreal…

But certainly not true.  Right?

Right?!

But it is true.  And this is not a dream…  I reach for my blanket of silence once again…

I listen…  Carefully…

Some attempt to comfort others.  Some attempt to gloat.  Others attempt to rationalize, justify, hope… that something good will arise.

Someone near me laughs, excited about what lies ahead, eager for the ride…

“I don’t know what you’re so upset about.  It’s only an election!”

I hear, but I do not comprehend.  Only an election?  Is that what it is?  For it feels much more significant to me…

The people have chosen their battlefield; now they must decide on their teams.  But I will not be playing this game.  I am opting out…

I saw this coming.  I did what I could to warn them.  I tried.  And now the people have chosen their course.  I will witness their progress.  I will acknowledge their gains and losses.  But I will remain detached.  That is my place now: a witness, a bridge, a recorder of history in the making…

For I have felt this way before.  I have felt it many times…

I have walked the grounds of Dachau, sickened by what I felt, unable to breathe through the stench of decaying flesh, the misery of lost souls, the sheer evil of those who revelled in their basest expression, silencing whatever conscience they had left…

I have collapsed upon Civil War battlefields, overcome by the pain that lingers still, the sense of betrayal and futility, the loss of innocence and hope…

I have sat upon ground sacred to indigenous peoples and cried, overwhelmed by a sense of all that has been lost; the wisdom, the laughter, the light of ages past, all gone, sacrificed to greed and power…

I have wandered through castles ripe with history, and shivered at the ghosts that linger there, reliving torture, poverty, suffering so extreme, I cannot move for fear of being seen…

I have visited sites of ancient cultures, long since vanished from this earth, and felt a grief so profound, it stopped me cold, unable to process how a once peaceful community could self-destruct so completely as to leave no trace at all…

History…  and the future… seem close in time once more.  But hopefully, I’m still just being paranoid…

And none of what I feel today is real.  It’s nothing more than atmosphere, the dense fog of what others are experiencing.  But it will pass.  It always does.  And my life will continue because, for some unknown reason, it must.  And nothing more terrible will occur.

Because change is good, and necessary.  And he didn’t really mean what he said.  And the people who believe in him can’t all be wrong; even if most can’t be reasoned with.  And their dirty little secret is out now, yet everything is business as usual.  And really…  how bad can it really be?!

Yes, sometimes paranoia is a blessing.  Because it means it isn’t true, after all…  And being “crazy” is a blessing when you can convince yourself you’re being delusional.  And being wrong would be the greatest blessing of them all…

Silence…

Seeking silence…

I cannot (will not) hear at all…  That would be best, of course.  And yet…

And yet I cannot quite escape the silent screams I “hear”…  All around me…  Throughout history…

Reverberating…

Echoing…

Vibrating through me.

Or is that simply Me I hear screaming?  Alone.  In my own head.

Before the long silence comes to comfort me…

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9 thoughts on ““Silence Speaks…”

  1. Powerful thoughts. That’s one that requires some simmering time on the back burner, or maybe needs to be put in Saran wrap and kept in the crisper for a week… I’ve already re-read twice and I’m beginning to separate two sections, one on the election results, the other, a pain-filled meditation on a world of sorrow. Micro to the macro. That is usually how the evolving mind works as it breaks out of the Matrix prison to look back at where its cell is located, where the body lies in troubled dreams. Then it goes ever back, other bodies, other cells, then into the future as it extrapolates based in dark dreams, then on lighter themes, lighting a path wondering if it will be the one that will be followed. Your theme looks and sounds very familiar to me, but with “weird” passages in it that are alien to mine – again, as it should be. I shall ponder and perhaps we will talk about this. As for “the election” well, I’ve been observing “elections” for 40 years now (quit voting at 30, right after I ran for a local council seat and came so close to winning I saw the writing on the wall, and when a well-known and despised politician on the scene of one public meeting put his arms around me and proudly announced me as “one of the team now” I knew that wasn’t for me) and no election has made any real difference to the overall picture. Change does not come from elections, revolutions, wars, economic crises or joining a new religion. Change is a personal matter. “They” have nothing to do with change for as evolved individuals we are in the world but not of the world and an evolved mind will make sure we understand what that means in terms of detachment and self empowerment.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You have the most amazing stories to share, my friend, and I love hearing them! 🙂

      As for this piece from me… I’m not really sure what to make of it myself. Just a deadening feeling of doom that accompanied this election, a need to sit with that pain and explore it, and the realization that I truly have felt this way before. As an empath. I have visited each of these sites I’ve mentioned, and had these reactions. Trying to explain to people why I suddenly became paralyzed while wandering through an old castle, or collapsed upon the grounds of Antietam sobbing uncontrollably has never been easy to do. The most distant historically, that of the “vanished” Mound Builders, actually came to me complete with memories that felt like mine, a story of a society that self-destructed because its people could not or would not listen… or learn.

      Today, I’m swimming in a miasma of my own incredulity and the pain, shock and delight of many around me. It’s been exhausting and overwhelming, and my usual “tricks” for sorting my own from the rest of the mess have not worked as well as I’d like. I hoped by writing it out, it would all become clearer to me…

      In some ways it has, at least in the sense that it helped me track down the “familiarity” of the feelings, but considering the other times I recall feeling that way, it doesn’t bode well. So, perhaps there is an element of “prophecy” there, as well. I was reluctant to label it such as I did not wish to grant it being in future times as well as past…

      But the “folding” of Time is real; or as real as reality gets, I guess. I have discovered that my “troubles” with Time itself are often a result of this innate, unrecognized ability of mine to see, feel and experience outside my current “place” in Time. Which only adds to my confusion… lol!

      But the bridge part is real; I knew that when I “became” a tree. I exist in multiple worlds, simultaneously, but can only influence them directly if I “sink” into one; to remain linked to both (or all), I can only observe, not interact…

      And so I’m choosing to bear witness here, rather than influence anyone, or any time. I have a deeply felt message, playing on repeat through my muddled mind today: the people have chosen their path; let them walk it now…

      Like

      • Much of what you share here is so weirdly familiar (there’s that word again: weird, why should it be weird?) and my mind wants to reach out to yours and do a “guide” thing, which is a great big NO-NO. But I can write this: a word that probably could be used to bring the threads of discomfort together and transmuted: detachment. The more empathetic you realize yourself to be, the more detachment from your feelings you need to practice. Empathy on worlds like this one for evolved consciousness can become pure torture. It can drive a person mad, or to suicide. Earth is too raw a place for any highly functioning empath to survive long here. Sadly, our empathetic sense needs to be toned down, not heightened. Balance. We are first of all balancers – you’re not a Libran, are you? I am, but I’ve toned that down by using my healing/awakening date as a second birthday, April 19. Last day of Aries, start of Taurus. Being male to female trans, I have male Libran, female Aries/Taurus. It helps.

        Unlike you (probably why your experiences seem weird) I do not, choose not to, interact into past or future Earth lives, just observe, collect information for those who want to know. In non-human “parallel” worlds I have done some interacting on small scales as I don’t want to go off on tangents that would detract from my set purpose. I fulfill a role, then withdraw. All this brings an old song to mind: It’s a strange, strange world we live in, Master Jack and I’d like to see it with my own eyes, hope you don’t mind if I never come back… (paraphrase). It’s not easy awakening on a world that remains entranced and entrained to its status quo; having to function mentally as dwellers on the fringes of rationality. But it does offer possibilities beyond our wildest dreams and it does settle some frustrating questions that leave most of mankind in its cauldron of uncertainty and doubt. As self-serving (or boasting) as this sounds, we have a purpose – though never as “we” – always as one, alone. That’s the choice; the curse if you want, but it’s ours, yours, mine, any one who awakens and so chooses. You seem to be still at the questioning, doubting stage. That will pass and you will experience certainty with a will of steel. And it won’t matter how it makes you feel, this is beyond any feeling. This is the awakening of the cosmic mind.
        And in case it matters, or you are wondering, I have not met any Earthian of your spiritual caliber before. It’s a good thing we are very far apart and we cannot physically meet, that would cause a great weakening. That I’ve been warned about! 🙂 Take care o’ you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ahh, yes, detachment is key. It is, in fact, what I am attempring to do. The “problem” I suspect of yesterday was being too entangled, and unable to fully extricate my self emotionally from what was in the very air I breathed. But today I breathe a little easier, a slightly stronger Me in place. And others, it seems, are beginning to redefine their places, as is necessary to their growth. They have to choose their “teams,” I suppose…

        I am a Pisces, born on the Vernal Equinox, on the very cusp of Aries (the sun crossed into Aries within 30 minutes of my birth). I am, astrologically, the Omega and Alpha combined, the end and the beginning, my own worst enemy. Lol! Balance is definitely key to my existence and my purpose, as is the bridge theme. And I have no regrets about it, even when it sometimes feels like I am being ripped apart, torn in opposite directions. I have learned to stretch my being, broaden my perspective, and simply be in multiple places simultaneously… Lucky for me, balance can be achieved over time as well as space, so that eases some of the urgency, allowing me grace to “pull myself together” when needed…

        I also have been warned of the weakening of each that occurs in close proximity, geographically. But our minds can mingle freely in the ethers (or the internet) which has proven to be a great comfort to me. I thank you sincerely for your friendship, wisdom and company! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Lisa.
    Doing a bit of time-travel here because we’ve discussed the election results already (The Word Process Time Machine).
    I can understand your sentiments, you words and your apprehensions, because throughout the 1980s and early 1990s this could have been me, with each election and there was Brexit.
    Powerfully and eloquently put as always.
    Keep voicing your thoughts and feelings, raising awareness.
    Best wishes
    Roger

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Bonnie says:

    I write this reply directly to you Lisa, and I want to tell you that you are not alone. And from the evidence we have, I do not believe paranoia is at play. Many of us woke up dumbfounded in what feels like an alternate reality. This is far greater than being sad that your “team” lost, it is more than the loss of an election. We have all experienced our candidate’s loss before, and it doesn’t feel great, but it is far different from this.

    This is a profound mourning for the progress we have made in civil rights and tolerance for diversity in this country as a whole, which feels like soul progress. It is a mourning for the environment and what devastations will come for the planet at large that could have been prevented if greed and rational thinking were not at the wheel. It is a mourning of what we personally value in this life seemingly being unseen, trampled, and unvalued by the near majority of people in this country. It is feeling a sadness that they missed it, didn’t want to hear it, ignored it in favor of other benefits they felt would keep them safe in foreign policy, not whispered to them, but shouted, from someone that sounds like an authority but has no plan he’s revealed, or experience in how to achieve any of it.

    Time will tell which of these believed losses manifest, and which of the promised gains are realized, all we have to go on is the integrity of the person and the words he has actually spoken, which do not inspire optimism. I believe we see the real person behind the Great and Powerful Oz that hides behind the curtain because we weren’t blinded by a promise for something we valued from him.

    My hope is this- we each have the opportunity to gain a larger perspective from life altering situations in our lives, and with the very real challenges set before him in this role, it is possible that the president-elect will break free from his limiting eggshell of beliefs about how he views humanity, and the greater planet around him, and grow beyond the vastness of his ego. If not, the current fad of mid-century modern is more than just about furniture…we’re going to take a detour to relive the1950’s mentality about how we view anyone that is different from us, and what their rights look like, while most miserably, while we don’t share them. Losing ground and being steamrolled never feels good, but when it involves soul growth it feels intolerable. At least, this is how I feel.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are absolutely right on all counts, dear Bonnie! But with both houses of Congress against “us”, more than half the state governors, and soon the Presidency and the Supreme Court, I must admit it is not Trump I fear most, but his followers. And with the deck so squarely stacked against us now, I also admit that I cannot see a way to regain what we have lost. Peaceful protest will not sway the Christian radical right, nor will the courts long support all people…

      In essence, what I “see” here now is the Christian jihadists gaining complete control, and once they subdue all of us by imposing their restrictive regime and eliminating our rights to protest or vote, they will turn that machine outward toward the world as a whole.

      From this deep abyss I’m drowning in, I see only the hope that the world as a whole will unite against us, before we wreak our havoc more fully upon it…

      I’m sorry if this seems like a betrayal of everything I stand for, but I did declare myself a revolutionary before this election cycle was completed. Foresight is not always a blessing; it often feels like a curse… 😦

      Liked by 1 person

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