Reflections

Emotional Train Wreck…

There is something so profound in those words.  They are descriptive, evocative, primal, and accurate.  Yet they do nothing to illuminate or resolve the underlying “cause” of the destruction…

Still, it’s how I feel…

And it’s odd, really, because it doesn’t truly feel like a “bad” thing…

I’m no stranger to dealing with intense emotions, of course.  I have a well-stocked tool box created for just this purpose.  And if those tools fail me, I have a back-up arsenal of weapons to use to set myself back on track.

Analysis, rationalization, intellectualization, justification…

Detachment, compassion, empathy and understanding…

And writing…  Writing is key, as it often reveals what I’m hiding from me…

And when my rational mind cannot “think ” my way out of the morass, my dreams will take over, allowing my over-developed subconscious free rein to explore and play.

But either way (or both most often), an “answer” slowly emerges, illuminating the unasked questions that set me off in the first place.  It works…  And it works well enough to keep me moving forward, always.

But this feels different, on so many levels.  For example, I have no name for what I feel, in spite of my expansive (often made up) vocabulary of emotions.  Nor do I have an appropriate feeling metaphor to explore that might reveal hidden connections.  I have no poetry in my soul, revealing the emotional tempo and rhythm.  Nor do I have an allegory to capture the essence of what I am experiencing…

This, whatever it is, is entirely “new” to me, though it nudges some distant, unrecognizable sense of familiarity in me.  A memory, perhaps, not fully recaptured?  Or one not yet experienced?  Time has been a capricious companion always, but even more unpredictable of late.

Even my dreams cannot seem to sort this out, trying multiple scenarios over the last few days that recreate the emotions, but from very different sources and causes.  The only consistent theme has been the puzzling, the need to comprehend, the sense that time is short and the answer imperative to my continued well-being, and the suspicion that what I am looking for is obvious, glaring and huge; a clear case of the trees overwhelming the forest in front of me.

And so I sit here today, sipping this emotional soup, seeking to identify the layers of flavors, yet unable to get beyond the initial taste upon my tongue.  There are no subleties, no hints or hues that can be separated out; there is only the totality, the sum of all its parts.  The soup is neutral brown, with no colors or textures to help identify its ingredients.  It is a massive weight lying in my stomach, pulling on my heart, tightening my chest…

And all I can hear outside the buzzing in my ears is a sad refrain, playing over and over again…

“An emotional train wreck… That’s what it is.  And honestly, I’m ok with that.”

And I am…  Really!  Perhaps that’s what is most disturbing to me: that this could be my new “normal” and I’m quite comfortable with that…

And all forward momentum is lost…

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9 thoughts on “Emotional Train Wreck…

  1. The real wisdom demonstrated here is that you’re “OK with that.” You need the rest, and your mind is saying, “rest.” That’s a good thing, IMO. I feel somewhat the same as the entire environmental, political and social landscape is going nuts, turning on itself… and I’m basically just walking beside the train, letting it trundle past me, not even wishing I was on board. It’s not giving up, or cowardice, it’s just common sense.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My train is currently paused as well. I wrote on FB the other day that there simply are not words created yet which contain enough power to accurately describe the horrific nature of the evil acts against humanity and our planet before our very eyes. For this truly is unprecedented. And then there are so many people (including my two youngest sons) who actually believe these crazy sudden actions (20 the first 10 days) are a GOOD thing. When It appears obvious to me that the Draconian reptilian have completely left off any shreds of decency or normalcy and will simply lie to us repeatedly.

    The plane ride home was excruciating, because the energies at the airport had escalated to such a degree that people were spiking all over the place. And yet, for every insane action, people rise up. And even if my train has stopped for today (or slowed way, way down), it will start to move again very soon.

    Just need to take time to rest. Which isn’t easy with all that is going on.

    We will get through this. The dawn isn’t far away anymore. The end of one cycle or age is the beginning of another, even though it doesn’t feel that way sometimes.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I appreciate your enduring optimism, Kamea! There are some I know who believe that what is happening is “good” because it is part of destroying the old paradigm, shocking us out of our lazy complacency, and forcing us to identify what we each value most, eventually guiding us in building the new paradigm. That being said, it is still painful to live through, and for us empaths, perhaps more so.

      Rest is critical as burnout begins to take down those around us, and fear, anger and righteousness consume the last of their fuel. I was warned last fall to hold off and wait, and now I am just beginning to truly see the wisdom behind that advice. Yes, we needed vocal, energized people acting out to express our national distress, but the time will soon come when calmer, more peaceful actions will be needed to influence our direction. That’s when the quiet majority will step in to take up the reins.

      At least that is my hope. Peace, my dear One. You and I are not alone, and the love we carry for All will not be lost in the struggle if we focus strongly upon it… Hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

    • So I’m not the only one who has to transfer that inner dialog to written text, so I can actually hear myself talking? Good to know… 😉

      It is wonderful to have you here, SightintheStorm… Welcome!

      Like

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