Reflections

Change…

I met with an old friend recently.  We’ve been friends since high school, so we know each other pretty well.  She knows my history because she lived it with me, being both target and comfort during the dark days of my youth.  She was also there when recovery began to take place, encouraging and pushing me in equal measure.  We have shared the events of “normal” lives – marriages, births, divorces, deaths, grandchildren, etc.  I would say, with little hesitation, that she is probably the truest reflection of my self that I can find in an Other…

And she asked me the other day, “why don’t you change things?  If you are truly unhappy with the way things are, then change them.”

Good advice.  But how?

“How is not nearly as important right now, as why you refuse to try anything.”  (My words, but capturing the essence of her message to me.)

It was an interesting line of enquiry.  Because if I believe what I say, then change is not only desirable, but necessary.  And if my history is anything to go by (for me alone), then it is also quite possible, and probable, that I could make those changes…

So we looked at all the “reasons why” (read excuses) for me not to change.  Self-sabotage.  Low self-esteem.  Fear.  Laziness.  But while each may have held sway at some time in the past, none truly resonate in the present.  So why don’t I change?

“I think maybe you don’t want to change things,” she suggested to me.

***

A WordPress friend of mine, whom I greatly admire and respect, is frequently (of late anyway) dropping keen reminders to me, though not necessarily personally.  Reminders that we who live on the fringes of society, who have learned to travel in, and manipulate, alternate “realities,” possess the ability to change our circumstances at any time our lives here become unbearable, or untenable.  Do I believe that?  Absolutely!!

So why am I still here?

When I was young, I managed to avoid death even when I didn’t want to.  Multiple times.  So many times, in fact, and under such “miraculous” conditions at times, that it became a running joke that I must be immortal.  Either that, or I was already dead, and this world was the hell I had created for myself.  Either way, I was stuck here for the long haul, waiting for release from the “prison” my body and this life had become…

I’ve run the gamut of excuses this past half century or so, believing each for some period of time.  The most compelling, of course, is the idea that I am here for a specific reason, and that purpose is not yet fulfilled.  How empowering and self-deceptive that excuse can be.  I can convince myself that anything is “justified,” from abuse, to lavish praise, to martyrdom, if I believe there is a cause or purpose I am fulfilling…

But I don’t feel fulfilled these days…

I don’t feel particularly hopeful, either, sensing little “improvement” in the way things are.  And my most recent excuse, that I am here to observe and not interfere, seems rather passive and point-less to count as some noble cause…

So…

What am I to take from these meandering thoughts today?  If change is as inevitable as everybody says, it should be happening with or without my guidance and aid.  And perhaps it is, in small ways anyway.  The sun continues to rise and set, marking the passing of days.  I continue to put one foot in front of the other, regardless of what it costs in pain.  The people and situations around me age and mutate to reflect the passage of time, myself included.

Yet here I remain.  And society ebbs and flows, with no real sign of change occurring (at least not in a positive sense).

And a single refrain from long ago keeps playing in my brain:

Beyond Time and Space, there is Truth…

Within each Heart, there is Power…

With each Life, there is Hope…

Between the Lessons of History,

and the Promise of Tomorrow,

lie the Meaning and Purpose of Today:

Peace resides where Love reigns.”

(From “The Covenant” – a piece I wrote long ago.  See the whole piece here, if you want.

https://theotherhoodofone.wordpress.com/about/the-covenant )

Time to go to work now…  Because some things never change!

Advertisements
Standard

11 thoughts on “Change…

    • Yes, one can change. But only if one wants to. The questions I am asking myself now are do I really want to change? And if not, why not? I clearly am unhappy with the way things are, yet not sufficiently motivated to make them different. And that is the block that captures my attention now…

      I’m not sure how the “sacrifices of old” apply to me in this case, though, as I’m definitely not trying to relive anything of my past… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Quote: “When I was young, I managed to avoid death even when I didn’t want to. Multiple times. So many times, in fact, and under such “miraculous” conditions at times, that it became a running joke that I must be immortal. Either that, or I was already dead, and this world was the hell I had created for myself. Either way, I was stuck here for the long haul, waiting for release from the “prison” my body and this life had become…”

    I can identify with this one, esp. recently. I feel a great weight bearing down upon this world of man – the weight of chaos, conflict, war and death. I can sense that the same feeling is going through many people interacting on WordPress, and surely other places as well. There is change happening which I call the dissolution of civilization. We’ve gone too far with our greedy glorifying of technology, particularly the technology of death: military, chemicals and drugs. While human population continues to rise exponentially, it weakens and dumbs itself down, increasingly relying on its science to save it even while its prostituted science greedily serves the masters of war, of bio-chemical and drug industries.

    The “center” cannot hold much longer and the collapse will be terrible to behold for those who survive its beginnings. Many sense this, but would rather believe in the tooth fairy to wave her magic wand and somehow make it safe of “us” – and never mind those others being poisoned and bombed into homelessness and oblivion so we can have our daily bread and bed for a time yet. Denial, the last refuge. Denial that what we are doing to others can somehow continue to by-pass us because it has done so for a few hundred years here in Americanada – the last holdouts of the self-satisfied, sated and safe.

    Change? Yes, some of us can sense it as an animal smells the change of weather. Some of us aren’t into denial: we see a storm developing, we don’t call it a stray cloud, we call it a storm and we live with the angst and discomfort of that knowledge, especially when there is no place to hide from the effects of that storm. But unlike so many of our peers, some of us accept that we are not special and may not survive the passage of the storm. Our sadness is not for ourselves, for we have made peace with death, but for the millions who cannot accept this change, though they wholeheartedly participated in setting it in motion.

    Again, detachment and self-empowerment, and compassion as purpose.

    Liked by 2 people

    • “Detachment, self-empowerment, and compassion…” is my mantra these days, pulled out and used frequently throughout the day. I repeat it enough to get me moving in the morning, when everything in me wants to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep. But sleeping doesn’t change the way things are and cowardice does not appeal to me; compassion requires me to be awake and responsive in the now…

      I repeat these words as I trudge through my daily tasks in the outside world, reminding myself that detachment is the better part of compassion here. It is not my purpose, my role, to “wake” everyone else up anymore, nor do I need to force feed them truth about what is happening. In time, they, too, will be overrun by the obviousness of our impending… “rewards.”

      And I repeat these words at night when I’m reviewing and resolving my behaviors for the day, allowing my tears to fall freely in the silence and darkness of my room, truly feeling the suffering and frenetic “faith” driving others in this world…

      I am responsible. But I am only responsible for my self today…

      Perhaps I do not seek change because I realize there is nothing I can change about me today that will stave off the inevitable. And I truly do accept that this is the way it is. Hmm…

      Liked by 1 person

      • As far as I’ve been able to discover, when we get it together through self-empowerment, we realize (or I did) that all responsibility resides in myself, is expressed by myself and for myself. In this approach I found a “key” that allowed me to answer the question, “Who am I?” From S/E and self-responsibility, I finally made myself into an individual that is no longer a product of society. By the power of my own mind I re-created myself in the image of someone I can not only live with, but enjoy doing so. This discovery, mocked by just about everybody I talk to about it, especially my religious friends, truly upsets the conditioned, programmed, societal applecart. Society dreads anyone who claims s/he can function without being saddled by society’s moral and ethical pronouncements. As a rule I have no problem with society’s moral and ethical pronouncements. What I reject is the lack of action that would “prove” such pronouncements by leadership, systems and followers. That’s the difference between the self-empowered, self-responsible person and the adherents to society. The magic of propaganda and popularity allows “members” to spout truisms while having no intention of living by them and remaining blessedly unaware of the deadly discrepancy endlessly created.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I agree with everything you say here, Sha’Tara. In fact, I was just having this conversation with a friend again last night. It is the difference between hypocrisy and integrity for me, where integrity resides in one who is responsible to and for one’s self, without external motivators or rewards…

        Liked by 1 person

    • Ah, yes, that IS the question, isn’t it? And yet what I want most in life does not involve me, at least not directly…

      I WANT people to live in peace, free from undue suffering and oppression…

      I WANT the Earth to be clean, and capable of supporting all of her children equally…

      I WANT to see the animals reclaim their proper place as kin, respected and protected from our human greed…

      And I WANT for my friends who are struggling now to know peace and contentment while they heal…

      But for me, personally…? I have what I need, and so I cannot seem to answer your question in any way that prompts or promotes positive change…

      I know, I know… I think too much sometimes, don’t I? Lol!

      Thanks for jumping in here, Eddie! I always appreciate your calm and your wisdom. It soothes me greatly! 😀

      Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s