When the journey seems futile…

I know I’m not alone in feeling this way, as though all of my efforts have failed.  As though every single thing I have attempted to accomplish in my life has fallen short; it simply isn’t enough to get the job done.  As though my very tenacity and determination to continue are some sort of cosmic joke being played upon me and my psyche.  Like failure itself was written into my karma and destiny…

And when that feeling overwhelms me, and I am convinced I simply cannot try anymore, when everything within me seeks shelter from the never-ending storm, I crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep.  Hoping, and sometimes praying, that this journey will soon end for me…

But I wake up again.  Always.  Disappointed.  Discouraged.  Angry, even, at why this life won’t let me go!  And then…

Some time during that hopeless day, some thing will happen to get me back on track again.  It may be huge, or it may be some small thing, but I will smile in spite of my mood, I will laugh through the never-ending tears, and I will pick up my tools again and carry on…

Why?

Because I must…  A simple, but (for me, anyway) undeniable Truth…

Life sucks right now!  People (many) suck right now!  Innocents are dying, but most are suffering horribly first, which makes it so much worse!  Innocence itself cannot survive in the world we have created.  There is no light at the end of the tunnel, for darkness has taken hold of everything we see.  There is no savior coming for us to finally set us free.  There is no justice to be had, and nothing now is fair.  There is no hope in this reality.  And yet…

There are good people doing good things.  There are moments when we can feel alive again.  There is something we cannot see, compelling us to carry on.  For good or ill, we “keep on keeping on” (a favorite phrase of a blogging friend of mine).

Why?

I have a theory (of course I do!  Lol!), but I offer it today with a full awareness of how “wrong” it may be.  I seem to be operating blind these days, as previous posts have discussed.  All my life I have been blessed with insight that allows me to discern the “truth” of things, quite accurately.  I have become so dependent upon that ability that I do not question it anymore, which has proven itself to be a grave mistake of late.  Because these days, I am never right.  Big or small, important or not, the things that seem so clear to me have been proven false, and so I am completely out of the loop these days regarding peoples’ thoughts, actions, motivations or expectations.  It’s an uncomfortable place for me to be…

And when the blindness is complete, as it seems to be these days, I have always relied on sonar to see me through, affectionately referred to as “bat technology.”  I listen, carefully, and use what I hear to guide my next steps.  But my use of this technique is more tentative than the other, and so easily led astray by louder noises…

So I welcome the Silence when it arrives, even momentarily.  I notice when the noise abates, and there is only my own breath in my ears.  And I use those rare instants to reorient myself.  As I am doing now…

So, my theory…

I’ve heard it said that these days there are only two paths one can walk: service to others or service to self.  What you choose (and it is a choice) determines what is likely to happen to you.  I say these words with the least amount of judgment I can muster, though I acknowledge that some still exists; I personally believe that one is “better” than the other, though there is nothing truly backing that belief beyond wishful thinking…

Many (yes, many!) who believe themselves to be serving others are either deluding themselves unintentionally, or outright lying to themselves, for their actions say otherwise, repeatedly.  They are the first to preach the word of service while standing on others’ backs, pooping where they will, without regard to how that actually plays out in the world.

Those who admit to serving themselves appear to be quite empowered these days, achieving what they want/need at others’ expense, without guilt, shame or even deceit.  They think nothing of taking for themselves in a dog eat dog world, knowing no one else will put them first.  And there is a logic there that cannot be denied.  And an authenticity both harsh and refreshing…

But I believe there is another group operating beneath the awareness of those actively choosing their course.  They are the ones who simply act, and in doing so, support the others in their chosen roles.  They don’t feel they have a choice because their actions are simply a reflection of who they are, instinctive, reactive, spontaneous… yet always (I mean always!) benefitting someone else in the end…

I know you know someone like this.  They are the ones who stand in an arctic wind, shivering, holding the door open for two more minutes while a stranger struggles to get to the promised warmth.  The ones who hear someone quietly express a need, and step in to fill the void, without expectation of anything.  The ones who have already answered “yes” in their hearts when someone begins to say, “I need a favor…”

They are also the ones most often shit upon, taken advantage of, used up and tossed aside when all of their resources are gone.  You know this person; I know you do!  And we vacillate between calling them victims, weak, servile, and accepting them as angels, helpers, and personal saviors…

These people operate beneath the surface of everyday life, giving, losing, loving, regretting and sometimes resenting their lot in life.  Because yes, they have feelings, and needs themselves, but rarely the ability to ask for help.  And they are connected, like a giant safety net or web beneath the obvious everyday happenings.  And when one falters, quietly, the web reacts, shuffling resources, and pushing relief their way.  Because the safety net must not be allowed to falter.  And that is why we cannot quit!

Please note they do not serve because of low self-esteem, or a history of abuse, though many in modern society seem to want to believe that is the case.  Most of these people, that I personally know, have had difficult, even tragic lives.  But those lives developed around (perhaps because of) this innate need to give.  And when they have accepted this about themselves, they have discovered that their actions (in spite of all the consequences) are part of their integrity; they do not act to serve others, but they serve others as an authentic expression of themselves!

Allow me to repeat that: they do not act to serve others, but they serve others as an authentic expression of themselves!

And in so doing, they become some of the most confident, self-assured people I know…

So when the journey seems futile, and I fear I cannot give it anymore, I allow myself to fall apart, to express my “weakness,” even if only in the privacy of my own home and thoughts.  Because I know the web will readjust, and something will lift me up; the net will not falter or break because of me.  Because I know I am not alone…

And sometimes, that has to be enough!