Reflections

The Co-Dependency Crackdown. (i.e. Taking My Own Inventory)

Life is a challenge. A series of lessons. A chance to improve. A path to evolution. All of these things. And then some…

Right?

Maybe. Or maybe not. That is what I am discovering, anyway.

I mean, I have spent so much of my life in “school,” learning the hard way. Gaining wisdom, some might say. But all of that implies progress; slow, steady (sometimes regressive) steps forward. All of that implies time.

And if I look at the sum total of my nearly 55 years here (this time), and add to it the memories I have of other times and places, the “facts” (or experiences) would support that hypothesis.

Time heals all wounds. To everything there is a season. Slow and steady wins the race. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Keep on keeping on… Time wins every time!

But Time is a construct. A deception. A barrier. And a lie. At least for me…

The truth is, every major breakthrough I’ve had (in this life or any other) came as an epiphany. There might have been wallowing that preceded said epiphany. There might have been intention. There may even have been hints and clues strewn about the landscape of my current timespace. But the moment of change was always dramatic, instantaneous and complete.

I spent months pondering the pros and cons of sobriety before I actually embraced it, still using occasionally and making excuses. And then one day someone said the “wrong” thing to me, embarrassed me, and made me mad as hell. A week later, as my anger subsided, I stopped drinking. And I’ve never even been truly tempted to look back. Does that mean I’m not an alcoholic, after all? Doesn’t matter, because I’m not interested in drinking anymore…

I spent years in and out of therapy, on various medications, trying to “fix” what was broken in me. Then one day it occurred to me that broken or not, I enjoyed my kind of crazy. I’ve never needed meds since…

I have spent a lifetime feeling like I need to “earn” my place in the world, developing integrity, seeking reciprocity, taking responsibility for whatever crosses my path. And yet…

It finally occurs to me that I have a right to exist, simply because I do!

Not earth shaking news for many of you, I’m sure, but it was a life-changing revelation for me.

And I don’t need to save the world, after all. Because each of you is capable of making your own decisions, whether I approve of them or not. Each of you has the same right to exist as me…

And as this “truth” sinks in, “gravity” falls away. My back straightens as my load is lightened. My wings unfurl once more, and I am delighted to discover I can fly once again.

And my spirit soars…

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23 thoughts on “The Co-Dependency Crackdown. (i.e. Taking My Own Inventory)

  1. Pingback: A lovely post by Otherhood of One – Gentle Ignition

  2. Ah, my friend, I have been missing you lately, but knowing you had to be away for your own life. Good to have you back. And good to hear you are using your wings to fly your own course.
    I’ve always known time is a human construct, but it is still hard to give up on. I learned too early in life that we love to measure unreal things, such as inches, degrees, and border walls. Human constructs all.
    Welcome to the world of Lisa R. Palmer. I think you are going to like it…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “And I don’t need to save the world, after all. Because each of you is capable of making your own decisions, whether I approve of them or not. Each of you has the same right to exist as me…”

    Hi Lisa! Good to be back to reading blogs again — especially yours.

    I have a young protege of sorts who a few days ago I began introducing to the notion of what I think of as an ideal adult. I’m not trying to convince her I’m right about the ideal adult. She needs to form her own ideal — something she can believe in Instead, I was using my ideal as a springboard for what will certainly be a long series of conversations between us. Well, I told her that in my view, adults treat each other as equals. At least on the most important levels.

    We got into a long discussion about what that meant. Among other things, we discussed the fact equals don’t judge each other unless absolutely necessary.
    I mention all of this because I think they lines you wrote there reflect a lot of what we were taking about.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Welcome back, Paul! Lovely to see you again… 😁

      Sounds like a fascinating and important discussion you’re having with your young friend. I absolutely love those!

      I tend to agree with your assessment, but it’s interesting to note that I very recently got into a discussion with a friend about the idea of judging each other. My friend’s position was that we naturally judge, and we must, because it defines and refines our ideals. However, we must refrain from trying to force our ideals upon others because we cannot truly know what works best (or is most helpful to them) in the moment. It seemed a subtle, but important, distinction; judgement is internal, imposition (persuasion) is externally focused.

      She also reminded me that it is very difficult living with a saint. I had to laugh at that, but it’s a quote that keeps returning in my mind, if only because I’m sure that’s true. Personal integrity is of such high value to me that it doesn’t even occur to me what kind of internal pressure it can bring to bear on someone on the receiving end of such integrity. I mean, I strive to always do the “right” thing according to my ideals, and though I do not expect others to share (or mimic) those ideals, I can certainly see how they might feel judged if they don’t.

      I will be curious to see what insights arise for you from this ongoing discussion with your friend…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I would have given a lot to have eavesdropped on your conversation, Lisa. Just the retelling strikes resonating tuning forks with me. Can’t say I don’t wholly share any of your views except I would not mind living with a saint — just so long as it was my idea of a saint and not the common one. The common one I would avoid like a plague.

    Terese goes on WordPress by the name of Teresums. She asked me to tutor her in a sociology course about 3 years ago, and our friendship has grown out of that. She is just at the right emotional stage now to talk with her as an equal about becoming a fully functional authentic human adult. Such a conversation can only last for years unless some stupid life thing intervenes to end it.

    Marysa is newer to me than Terese. Sometime ago, I got an email from a girl saying she had been lurking my blog for a year, reading posts and archives, and she just wanted now to announce herself. That’s about as far as it went. Then I put my blog into hiatus while recharging my creative batteries.

    In January, a sudden email: “Where are you?” Nothing more than that. For the past two months more or less, it’s become a full time job. Terese is blooming. Marysa is blooming. (Both are more woman than girl now.) And I’ve been running my butt off every day fetching water for them from the well — which some fool located a good mile away from their garden! Really been digging down deep to come up with “wise” things to start and carry along conversations with them. Damn old fool — a well a mile away!

    But now my blog is loading up with spun off poems and posts often begun from questions the women ask. LOL! I guess I’m getting the better deal here! “Guess”? No real guess about it! I AM getting the better deal! But, Lisa, we must ask ourselves, of what use are young people other than to shamelessly exploited by old people for inspiration? 😀

    By the way, I posted a novella length poem on the themes of love and evil called “A Death in the Spring”. Too long for most anyone to read. However, there is a chapter or more on judgment. Judging and judgment — its uses and abuses. You might be curious to skim down to that part some day. If not, no worries. But I think you would see my views as aligned with you and your friend’s.

    Like

  5. Pingback: The Gatekeeper – Café Philos: an internet café

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