Rough night last night with movie dreams. Dramatic scenes, like out takes, removed from context, but clear nonetheless…
With sound tracks playing in the background. Snippets of songs on endless repeat…
A happy scene living with my daughter, sitting on the couch with a couple of cats and the dog asleep at my feet. The kids are spiraling out of control, and with a quiet voice, I speak their names. “Can you feel those waves of irritation coming from your mom?,” I ask. They both nod. “That means she’s had enough. For real. Settle down now…” And little one comes to sit beside me.
“…our house. It’s a very, very fine house…”
Suddenly my daughter explodes! Ranting about how I stole her animals, and now I’m stealing her kids away from her! And after all she does to take care of and protect them…
I don’t know what to say, knowing no words can heal that self-inflicted pain…
***
I’m at work, encouraging my replacement to look at boxes and paperwork to try and get a sense of what’s ahead of us. “You’re going to have to learn how to prioritize,” I tell her. But she is dawdling and slow to pick things up…
“We have to step this up!,” I snap. “I’m not going to be here to hold your hand much longer, you know!”
“…turning the inside out…”
***
And here, in the waking world, things are stranger still…
Standing outside in a misty rain, watching the streams of water fall in the light from the deck spotlight. All around me the world is wet. Except me and my cat. Holding my hand out in the stream, I feel no water, though I can still see it falling. But I am not even damp, nor is my cigarette…
***
Later, and all is quiet outside. Too quiet. It’s eerie. No traffic, no factory sounds, no slamming doors. Nothing. Not even the bats are flying tonight. What is going on?
And I realize that every time I come downstairs, nausea nearly overwhelms me. Along with that sense of everything being… just totally wrong…
***
Co-workers are reporting strange dreams to me. Significant images they feel compelled to share. White horses rearing in the clouds… A tiny car with removable covers on the windows. And my friend who is driving must keep shifting perspective from inside to outside the car, changing window covers, seeking the best combination that will allow her to see properly…
“…talk to me. I can’t seem to speak now… talk to me… the words won’t come out right… what are you thinking?… sometimes I wonder… what are you feeling?… where do we go from here?”
And another reporting anxiety. “You know, the kind that precedes a full on panic attack.” And I can feel it all around him like a dark cloud, but none of it infects me…
***
And every time I touch my phone, my remote, or any electronic device, I can feel the electricity coursing through me. Tingling. Numbing. Uncomfortable. I must put it down…
***
Rough energy going on with movie dreams and reality. Dramatic scenes, like out takes, removed from context, but clear nonetheless…
“the ringing of the division bell had begun…”
the otherhood of one 
The “joys” of coming face to face with one’s own expanding awareness. Be thankful for those dreams, Lisa, they are like, how should I put it, those impromptu tests a teacher gives her/his class periodically to gauge what is being learned, i.e., remembered of the lessons taught. I was ‘tested’ that way for 20 years. How long has it been for you? And when you remember the dream snippets, how do you answer each question/challenge to your understanding? Rhetorical questions, Lisa, no need to answer to me… but I enjoyed being reminded that we all must go through this. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Is that what this is? Tests? Quizzes? Last night was the same. Snippets, with a recurring/continuing one happening between out takes. Trying to help a vet get seen by a doctor to address major medical concerns, and failing, repeatedly, when thrown against the walls of “the system.” Finally, just before waking, a breakthrough! I should have been happy with the success. Instead I walked away. The actors from the scene followed me, asking why I was leaving, reminding me that I had won, that I finally got what I wanted! My only response: “it doesn’t matter anymore, now that I know how the system works…”
Woke up with an overwhelming urge to vomit that I just can’t shake…
LikeLike
What I read here, perhaps from personal experience, is a dogged determination to enter the path of detachment and self empowerment, two words that sound nice and would seem fun to play with, but its a path full of unintended consequences. We live in a world ruled by fear and violence; a world in which the brainwashing insists that if enough numbers join up for or against some force or power, change can be made. The simple truth is that only a self empowered and detached individual can insert change in the machine that cannot be “revoked” by the powers. Dreams properly interpreted, that is by the dreamer herself and no one else, can be very helpful in resolving conflicts arising from a self empowered life versus the ‘normal’ life of social interaction.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for the encouragement and the insight, Sha’Tara. Feeling a little “lost” these days, so it’s good to hear I may be making progress. 😁
LikeLiked by 1 person