Who am I?

Who am I?  A simple question, but not so simply answered…

The truest answer is that “I am a Nobody.  And being nobody, I am the same as Everybody.”  Which does not imply that I am unimportant, merely that I am just like every other stranger you might meet on the street – a reflection of you.  What makes me unique in a world of Others is the life path I have chosen, and the lessons my soul is learning here.  To identify those differences requires details that separate me from all of you Others out there…

Personally, I love my life details, as difficult as they have often been to deal with.  lol…  Apparently my soul loves a challenge, and so I challenge my self quite frequently.  It began with a difficult childhood and the scars earned there, which led me to become an alcoholic by the time I was 12 years old.  By the time I hit my early adolescence, the powers that be attached other labels to me relating to the vast and ill-defined world of mental illness.  I had “adolescent adjustment problems,” which led to “depression,” which became “manic depression” (the old term for Bipolar Disorder), and culminating in “paranoid schizophrenia,” all before I hit my 16th birthday.  I share these details, not because I want you to think of me in these terms, but because they are essential in setting the scene for what I have now become.  For all of those pieces still reside in me, but more importantly, they defined the path I would choose to follow to become Me…

For example, I tend to be anti-institution because, as a teenager, I had my freedom of choice forcibly taken from me.  I understand why today, and I hold no resentments or regrets about it, but the suspicion of such people and places still lingers, in spite of all the work I’ve done.  I also tend to play with labels a lot, as I have seen how easily we can become defined and distracted by them; I will purposely act “out of character” on occasion, just to avoid being cast in any particular light for too long.  And I count “freedom” as one of my most important desires, avoiding commitments that might box me in, since escaping such prisons as my early life created was such an all-consuming passion of mine…

I got sober shortly after I finally became legal to drink alcohol in all 50 states, and I dropped out of the mental healthcare system at the same time, choosing to “deal with” my issues without psychotropic medications or professional guidance.  It was my choice, as an adult, and not a path I’d recommend for anyone, though I am glad I did it myself.  I have now been sober and medication free for over 30 years, although I did choose to keep my caffeine and nicotine addictions, and they remain intact to this day (not proud of them, just being honest).

How did I cope with all of that then?  Well, that’s where things get interesting, at least for me… lol…  I learned, from others and from my own self-exploration.  I thought, a lot!  And I wrote, always, even long before I got sober; that has been the one consistent therapeutic tool I have always used.  Not only does writing often reveal the “real” state of my mind and emotions, regardless of what I “tell” myself, but having such records to reflect on has shown my progress over the years, and revealed patterns I might otherwise have missed.  And patterns are everything to me today!

Probably the most difficult part of my journey has been learning to distinguish between what is “real” and what is “not real”; or, to put it in more accessible terms, what is “shared experience with others,” and what is “uniquely my experience.”  It is important to know the difference, I have learned, because few things make other people as uncomfortable as me insisting that the others I’m interacting with are there, and real, when these people with me cannot themselves interact with them.  I have had to learn little tricks for distinguishing what others here can see and hear, and what they cannot, so that I can react “appropriately” when out in public.  And, at the risk of sounding arrogant, I have gotten darn good at it!  Meeting me on the street, you would likely never guess what my internal life is like.  And that is as it should be, I think…  But here, in this blog, I am all about my internal experiences, likely because we will never actually meet on the street…

One of the most helpful efforts on my part has been a lifelong obsession with spirituality, specifically a search for Truth.  If I could only know what is “true” outside my own perceptions or social consensus, then perhaps I could better understand this “self” that I am.  That effort has encouraged a lifelong study of meditation, coupled with a diverse study of different religious and philosophical paths, and countless tools and practices designed to promote an everyday functional spirituality.  What I believe today (which shifts slightly from day to day), is the end result of many years of self-work.  When asked how I would categorize those beliefs, however, I am unable, or unwilling, to name any particular path, as I have absorbed patterns, insights, and relevant guidance from sooo many sources, combining them into an amalgam that is uniquely mine.

I know there are others out there who take exception to such a “cafeteria-style” approach to spirituality, claiming I have no true spirituality since I refuse to commit to any particular path.  I have heard that my way is shallow and deceptive, and potentially damaging should I seek to guide others, since it lures people away from “true” spirituality.  That may be so, for who am I to judge?  What I can say with certainty is that it has “worked” for me.  I get along fairly well in society today; I am loving, kind, compassionate, loyal and peaceful, in spite of the tribulations of my youth, which could very well have created a much less balanced soul.  And there is a part of me that understands that these very doubters are important in my life, reflecting a truth I need to see, even if it is only to affirm that, “yes, I am on the ‘right’ path for me.”

And all of this, all of these words, and thousands upon thousands upon thousands of others I have thought, said or written, have led me to one place: the place of One.  I believe in something, after all; I believe in One thing, at least.  I believe that all paths lead to one place, this place of One, eventually.  I believe we are all related, no matter how different we may seem.  I believe that we serve each Other best by being “true” to who we are, since it is that very truth that Others need to see.  I believe that we are One whole, with but one ultimate goal: to know our true Self; there is Unity in our very Diversity.  There are, of course, countless facets of this goal, endless meandering paths both to and fro, and fascinating side trips we can take along the way, but this One is the essence that powers and tempts us to grow and change, yet ever remain the same…  “Simultaneous co-existence without contradiction”; such is the Paradox of Truth.

“One is the Word/the Word is One.”  One is what It is, simple, ever-present, complete and unchanging.  The Word is the logic, the path, the philosophy, the hope, the struggle, the self.  Yes, I believe in something; I believe in One.  And so I believe in you, too, hence The Otherhood of One (T.O.O.).