Reflections

Questioning my Self…

If I inhabit a reality of my own creation, which I truly believe I do (at least intellectually), why have I not created a more beautiful place to live?

Where is the love? The justice? The sense of equality that I would expect from me?  Why are we all still suffering?  In misery?

Do I truly need continuing lessons on compassion?  Or is it detachment I’m working on?

I feel sad…  So sad.  I’m not depressed; just sad.  I look around me every day and take note of all the suffering taking place, my own included.  I acknowledge that life isn’t fair, and changes are upon us, and that each and every being I encounter these days is struggling with something of significance to them.  We are facing our deepest “issues,” whatever they might be – financial, health, purpose, faith, loss, grief, codependency, addiction, relationships, career, etc…  And it is no longer enough to compare apples and oranges to find “relief”…

I take no comfort in saying “at least I’m not dealing with [that] today!”  Or “thank Goodness my crisis is only financial!”  I don’t need to compare my suffering to others to find gratitude today; I am well aware of how loved and lucky I am…

But that does not diminish my “suffering” today, for my financial insecurity is the one “issue” which I have never satisfactorily resolved; it has always haunted me, and it continues to do so.  To minimize its impact on me, and the way I live my life is a disservice to my Self…

But yes, there are many, many others who are suffering much more than I am, within their own personal hells…  And I don’t need to minimize or overstate their suffering, either, in an attempt to balance scales.  I simply accept that we are all suffering, and this world we share truly is hell!

So…

Why?  I ask my Self, “why?!”  For when I cannot “solve” a problem, I seek to understand instead.  My powerful Self could create a “happier” place, at least for me.  Why haven’t I done so?

I need to know…

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Reflections

Dis-Engaged…

Dis-gusted…       Dis-eased…     Dis-gruntled…     Dis-empowered…     Dis-placed…     Dis-enfranchised…   Dis-pleased…     Dis-traught…     Dis(orDys)-functional…    Dis-interested…     Dis-obedient…     Dis-approve…     Dis-entangled…     Dis-like…     Dis-advantaged…     Dis-believing…     Dis-ordered…    Dis-affected…   Dis-agree…  Dis-assembling…     Dis-aster…     Dis-allowed…     Dis-associated…     Dis-abused!

Anyone else feeling “dis-sed” these days?

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Poetry, Visions

“Awakened…”

Opening one eye, I survey my space,

taking note of all that is.

Lifting my head, I shake it thoroughly,

releasing the chains of my long slumber.

Stretching my neck, long and sinous,

I belch, letting go of past memories in a stream of healthy flame…

Rising slowly to my feet, acknowledging my totality,

I lay claim to all that surrounds me…

Sweeping my tail from side to side,

I clear a path in which to work…

Stretching my wings to full capacity,

I revel in the choices that await…

And with one last, lingering look around

at this place I’ve called my home,

I leap powerfully into a pre-dawn morn

finally free to soar…

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Reflections

“Where have you been?!”…

…someone recently asked me.  “What have you been up to?  I never hear from you anymore!  Anything new happening?”

I thought about those questions, and my responses…  and then I laughed out loud.  Literally!

Because the answers are obvious… yet irrelevant.

I’m here, where I’ve always been; locked into my own consciousness and its journey, wherever that leads me…

I’m up to no good… but no bad, either.  Judgment has deserted me.  But I happen to think that’s a good thing…

You never hear from me because I have nothing to say that may be of interest to you.  Truth is, most of my revelations lately have been of an entirely personal nature; as in relating to the day-to-day me about day-to-day things.  And while I’ve certainly followed some interesting blogs/stories about those very things (and consider my own to be in a similar genre), the fact is that I try to restrict my personal musings to topics that might reflect others’ discoveries.  So, sharing my work issues, or finances, or other completely self-oriented stories seems a little “off topic” for me, unless they reveal something more universal underneath…

As to what’s “new”?  How about everything… and yet nothing!

What about active timeline shifts; do they count?  Because they have become much more obvious lately, and downright transparent!  How do I know this (aside from my own experiences of them)?  Because I see the looks in peoples’ eyes when I casually throw out a remark about “just another timeline shift…”  They used to have that cautious, knowing “uh oh, here we go again” look in their eyes.  Then it became the “deer in the headlight” look.  Now it’s a shrug, and a nod, and an “oh, good… if that’s all(?)” kind of look I get.  Is there any more to say to that?

Today I read a one line blog post from someone I’ve followed for a couple of years; she’s been a “reliable” source for me, keeping me abreast of what’s happening outside my limited field of vision.  The post said, essentially, that this reality is all fake…  That’s it.  A simple, but important reminder…

I then went on to read other posts, from her and other people, scrolling through my email from most recent to older ones I hadn’t read yet.  I was intrigued to find at least two other posts from her directly contradicting former positions she’d held!  I had to re-read them a couple times to make sure I hadn’t misunderstood.  But no…  The words were there, black on white, perfectly understandable, yet completely foreign coming from her…

I went on to read other people, discovering post after post contradicting what I believed to be true…  I was bewildered, to say the least!

Then I remembered the first thing I’d read, which was actually the last thing that had been written: everything in this reality is fake…

And I laughed.  What else can you do?  It’s just another timeline shift…

And maybe I do have have something to share after all…

*shrugging as I walk away…*

 

 

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Conversations, Reflections

Contradictions…

On gossip, preaching and politicking…

Heart (to Mind): Why do you spout such nonsense, knowing it isn’t true, or worthy of you?

Mind (to Heart): Because I like the sound of my voice in my ears?  Makes me feel more in control, safer and more secure…

Heart:  Lies!  Deception! Propaganda!

Mind: Exactly what makes it “speakworthy” today…

Heart: But Truth resides with me, in Silence and in Peace…

Mind: Yes, of course… But such silence makes people suspicious, puts a target on your back, as everyone seeks to engage you.  I am protecting you!

Heart: ???

Mind: Trust me… *wink*

Heart: ?! ?! ?!

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self-discovery, Stories..., Visions

The Embrace…

I am walking down a forest path, at peace, contemplating all that has been happening near me.  Something moves in front of me, though what it is at first eludes me.  Gradually my eyes focus enough to “discover” a being hiding in the gloom behind a tree…

I stop walking, not wanting to intrude on or frighten this stranger before me…

“It’s ok,” I softly say.  “I’m not here to harm you or disturb you in any way.  I’m just passing through…  Would you mind if I passed by, or would you prefer me to turn around and leave?  After all, you were here first, weren’t you?”  I smile to reinforce my words…

The being leans forward a bit, looking up and down the path.  I see now its humanoid form.  I notice also its wariness, its vigilence.  I sense no fear coming from the being, just profound awareness, and caution…  And strength, unlike anything I have encountered before!  This being is in its element, and knows it; if anyone should be afraid, it should be me…

But I am not afraid…

I wait, patiently, wondering if (and how) this being may communicate with me.  After several minutes, the sense of threat, of possible dire consequence, begins to fade.  The being checks the path once more, before stepping out to face me…

At first I am bewildered by what I see, questioning if it’s a trick of light, or some sort of mirrored shield being held up in front of me; for standing on the path ahead is a younger, darker version of me.  She is cloaked and hooded in forest greens, well camouflaged in this environment.  Her posture is alert, but relaxed, raw power emanating from every pore of her being.  She simply looks at me, expectantly, waiting for my reaction…

It is then I realize it is my Shadow facing me, the one who’s call has been leading me for days.  And slowly, the odd dynamics of our current status begin revealing themselves to me…

For clearly, she has the power for now; her strength, purpose, presence are palpable.  But I am in control; my consciousness must decide what happens next…  I stand there, rooted like the trees surrounding me, held in this timeless moment by the sense of import, the sheer significance of this encounter!  Finally, I take a small, almost involuntary, stumbling step forward.  She stands straighter, somehow creating a less threatening posture in spite of growing taller…

“May I approach?,” I think to ask, falling back on familiar civilities, while seeking to convey respect.

She nods, but says nothing…

I approach slowly, soaking up every detail, mesmerized by all I see…  “You are truly magnificent!,” I breathe aloud as I get close enough to truly see her.  And she is!  All the things that I am not – confident, secure, balanced – and so, so, so much more; I have difficulty grasping that she is me, given how different we appear.

“I have been looking for you,” I explain to her.  “Everywhere.  In the forests mostly, but also in the lakes and oceans, in the sunlight that warms my skin, and the moonlight that guides my dreams.  I have searched for you in my sanctuary spaces, and travelled to the crossroads hoping to encounter you.  I have even dipped into the river of time seeking just a moment with you…”

“I have been waiting for you,” she finally speaks.  “And now you have come…”

I chuckle nervously, unsure about what to do next, so I ask…  “Now what?  We have met.  What happens next?”

“That’s up to you,” she softly answers.  I am captivated by her calm, her lack of urgency, anxiety, or need…  “What do you want?,” she whispers…

Echoes of that question reverberate in my mind, remembering other places, other times this question was asked of me.  But this time, I know immediately what I want!

“I want to embrace you, to hug you, to hold you close to me,” I answer, before shyness can prevent the words from escaping…

She smiles fully, holding open her arms wide, offering herself in perfect trust.  I step forward eagerly, carefully placing my left arm above her shoulder, and my right arm beneath hers.  Leaning slightly right, I hug her tightly, heart to heart, and let myself go completely in this moment…

I become aware of our heartbeats, separate, but the same.  I feel them merging into one resounding, rhythmic, beat.  I sense the boundary between us dissolving, with neither absorbing the other, but each becoming One…  Each cell that defines us, each strand of energy, every memory, experience, hope, doubt and triumph merges smoothly, leaving us distinctly present while still being Whole…

I (we) breathe deeply, the scents of the forest accompanied now with a deeper understanding, identifying “what’s” and “who’s” in a way I could not do just moments before.  As my mind automatically begins to process the significance of each scent identified, I feel my own (other’s) surprise at how efficiently it does so.

There is bliss in this experience of union, and excitement of what we can learn, do and create together!  I (we) are complete, and the whole Universe is our home…  And playground…

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Poetry, Reflections, Visions

While Midnight Rules…

The winds of change come swirling…

circling…

Chaos rules the “ordered” world.

The Shadow revels in its power now

immune to your “morality”…

claiming time and space,

and “victims” unawakened.

“You have been warned…”

the Voices gently whisper.

“Lay no claim to ignorance,

silence your defiance…

embrace this new alliance…

in the name of seeking Balance.

Let go the fear,

the doubt…

Let go suspicion, too…

Lest each or any gain ground here,

and learn how to control you.

Discipline is your greatest asset…

As darkness dims the light,

so, too, does light illumine shadow,

becoming One, in shades of grey,

when Self takes hold the reins!

Define your own reality…

Identify your boundaries…

Defend your own immensity,

in this place of small infinities…”

…?

Define your own reality!

In this time of immorality…

Embrace your immortality…

while midnight rules the psyche…

 

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