Conversations, Reflections, Visions

Home…

I was out of form and exploring the lack of boundaries I felt, enchanted by the possibilities taking shape. I had reached out to an’Other I know very well, seeking connection in this formless state. But she hadn’t answered my call or responded in any way, and I knew time had passed in my world. So I reached out once again, more determined now to discover why she was avoiding me…

I felt my hand solidify, just a bit, as it touched something real somewhere, so I fed a bit more attention to it, and grasped at the object I’d found. Pulling it toward me with a jerk and a wish, I prepared to ask questions of my missing friend…

But the hand that emerged was not hers at all. It was large, and tattooed, and tinted slightly blue. I glanced up, quite startled, as the body came through – a tattooed man I’d never met, who stood there grinning like a fool. Acting like he’d achieved something wondrous that day, leaving me disoriented, and shy, with this stranger I’d nabbed…

“Uhh… you’re not Lea,” I pointed out, to cover my shame.

“Ummm… no,” he responded, though his grin never faded.

“Do I know you?,” I asked, unsure of myself. “Or should I?”

“‘Should’ is a word I don’t like to use; it’s weighted heavily with expectations, and leads too often to excuses.”

“Which doesn’t answer my question at all,” I pointed out. “So, tell me, my friend, who are you? And why are you here?”

“You brought me here. Quite insistently, I might add,” he answered with a wink, lifting our still joined hands into my field of vision.

It was then that I realized I was nothing more than mist, with a hand solidly attached to his. And as we moved silently across a sandy land, I thought to look back to see where we’d been. His footsteps were clear in the sandy soil, but my path was marked by a series of puddles. Remembering suddenly I was water without form, I focused more strongly on the hand that I held.

As I did so, a body began to take shape around me – lithe and tall and blue as a lake…

“You’re not even human!,” I suddenly exclaimed, aware in that moment of the size of the moon. For night was falling in that unfamiliar place, and the moon was rising to take her natural space. But she was huge, and purplish blue, and the stars that surrounded and worshipped her were all new…

“Neither are you,” he whispered close to my ear, and suddenly I knew it was true…

“I am now,” I said sadly. “Or mostly, anyway. And I have been for a very long time…”

***

“Welcome home, Lost One,” he continued softly. “You have been missed.”

Glancing around at the barren landscape, I felt bewildered. “But what happened here?,” I asked. “I don’t remember any of this…”

And suddenly a great noise arose, directly in front of us, as a crowd of like others came running to join us…

“You found her!,” exclaimed an old woman, leaning heavily upon a small child, while others babbled in laughter and other joyous sounds…

“More like she found me,” he reacted honestly, as our contact was broken by the crowd embracing me…

I was loved here. Completely. And joyously. And freely. And tears of happiness flowed easily from me. My heart felt full for the first time in forever, and I let it burst free to enjoy this phenomenon.

And as tears fell from eyes that were never quite dry, I noticed the very landscape around me had shifted. For now things were growing in the desert of before, becoming lush forest in the non-time we wore. And when I looked back at our footprints once more, I saw flowers springing from puddles where I had stepped before…

Glancing back at the tattooed man, I noticed his smile again. Only this time I felt it within me as well… He took my hands in his, looked deep into me, and spoke gently to the deepest sense of my being…

“As I said, you’ve been missed… Welcome home, Le-hAn-Dre-Elise…”

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About the Otherhood, Conversations

Q & A: The Experience of Otherhood

The following questions were asked by Jerry (rawgod) as part of a comment on another post.  They are insightful and involved, and so I thought they should be addressed in their own post.  Please feel free to jump into the conversation if you are so inclined.  😀

The questions themselves have to do with my experiences with my Others, and the Center Space where we can meet and converse as others, while still retaining an identity of being…

 
Q: “1) Do you really identify with more than one ego at a time, or when you switch egos do you do that instanstaneously and completely? I guess what I am asking, when you are acting as Prime Personality, then suddenly switch to Personality B, are you still aware of being Prime Personality, or is the switch total, and Prime Personality does not exist anymore?”

A:  The simple answer to this question is that I retain a single ego, regardless of which personality I am experiencing.  I like the way you differentiate between Prime and Personality B, etc., as it truly captures the essence of what it’s like, so I’m going to use that framework to discuss this.

So I will immerse my consciousness in B’s life, but still feel, react and be Me (Prime), which requires a certain period of adjustment each time I visit.  I will remember Prime’s (Lisa’s) memories, morality, etc. throughout my “time” there, but I will also have access to B’s memories, morality, etc.  More often than not, I am drawn into B’s life during a significant period, and “I” (we) will use our combined wisdom to navigate the situations that arise…

What makes it interesting is that while I have not bodily crossed over into that timeline (not for lack of trying, I assure you! Lol!), I still experience everything as “real.” Every sensation, every feeling, every lesson learned becomes a part of Prime’s experience as well.  The only noticeable difference is the way time operates, as Prime is able to skip around more easily within B’s life history, seeking memories (with added realism) that might be needed to proceed in B’s current time…

 
Q: “2) From what I read, Prime Personality has at least some memory of being Other personalities, but there is no direct connection between them. People with Multiple Personalities can supposedly switch from one personality to another under certain situations or stressors. Can you do this?”

A: Are you asking if I can consciously immerse myself in an Other’s life?  Sometimes, yes, but I wouldn’t say it happens always “at will.”  In fact, the mechanism that used to allow me such complete immersion seems to have been broken for the last decade or so.  I have been able to look in, but I have not been able to actually visit.  Instead, we often meet in some neutral location and converse like real people; all the posts on my blog tagged or categorized as “conversations” are “real” experiences I’ve had with the others.

And no, I do not have multiple personality disorder (MPD).  MPD’s usually “become” alternates in their current life (timeline), while I “travel” to the Others’ lives to experience being them.  While they may be perceived as MPD because Prime claims dominance there, I retain memories, traits and characteristics of both.

To be fair, though, there is definitely a sharing going on.  Traits usually associated with B will become apparent in Prime’s life when we are in close contact, and since some of the Other’s are very different from me, it can be quite noticeable.  It explains why MPD was originally considered a possible diagnosis that was quickly ruled out; straight up schizophrenia won the title in the end.

What is important to acknowledge is the place of ego in this exchange.  Because there is a central being expressing itself in different forms, there is a consistency of experience across all timelines, a root or baseline that learns and adjusts (changes), while still remaining “the same.”  Simultaneous co-existence without contradiction.

 
Q: “3) When you do make a switch, from say Prime to B, is there any loss of time for Prime when you switch back?”

A: Yes.  Definitely.  But it’s hard to explain or define, because my body (Prime) continues to live my life while I am out being the Others.  Basically it means that when I return consciously to my life, I have some “catching up” to do, and some time that will never be recovered.  I usually am confronted multiple times after returning about things I don’t remember at all – conversations had, plans made, incidents that occurred, etc.  People are mad at me and I have no understanding why.  Or I missed work and didn’t call in.  Or I had some “meaningful” encounter with someone who I will not even recognize next time we meet.  You get the idea…

It was one of the things I had to learn to cope with, as it made me extremely vulnerable.  Admitting I wasn’t “here” was not an acceptable excuse, but it did give others an opportunity to make stuff up which I could neither confirm nor deny.  I learned to “play it cool,” look for clues, and my journals became critical for piecing together the jumbled timelines.  Eventually it was a practice the Others adopted to make the transitions easier on all of us…

 

Q: “4) This one is hard for me to comprehend or properly ask (presuming that the answer to question 3 is negative as I believe it must be) but what happens during the lives of personalities B, C, D, Etc while you are living as Prime? Surely their lives do not stop happening? So, obvious question, based on above scenarios being correct:
4a) Do these sub-personalities have their own egos while YOU are not with them? If Yes, do you then share the ego? Or, if no, what happens to the sub-egos while you are controlling their minds? And how do they feel about it, if they know about it? (Actually, this last question seems to be very similar to part of Question 1, so you may have already answered it. If so, no need to repeat. But is there is a difference you can see, I would love to hear it. Thanks.)”

A: Ok, I’m going to try to tackle this one as a whole…

Each of us is living a life, complete, coherent, unique in time and space.  What happens during the “visits” is that Prime (Lisa) steps into an’Other’s life, and lives it for a while.  The Other is there, or sometimes not, but their personality, memories, sensations, talents, are all accessible to me (Prime), yet somehow foreign.  I am actually me being them, and so influencing their lives.  Where they go or how they feel about my intrusion is unknown to me.  Only when we meet in conversation do we interact as other, rather than as one.

Have they occasionally visited me?  Yes! And that is something I rarely talk about.  But in the beginning, when this first started happening for me, it was almost always the other way around; they came and lived my life for a while.

While they were here, I was merely an observer in my life, sitting back to see what they would do.  Sometimes I cheered them on, knowing they were doing for me what I could not do for myself.  Other times I fought them, fearing the damage they would undoubtedly cause.  Because the decisions they made, the interactions they had while here created real consequences that Lisa would have to deal with when they left.

Eventually Lisa learned enough engaging with less linear forms of self to be able to “control” the process, more or less.  I’m not sure how to explain that really, other than compare it to installing a one-way door; I could get to them directly, but they could not then get to me without invitation.  It was at that point that Lisa likely became Prime; not because my life is more important or significant, but because my understanding of the process gained me more control over it.

***     ***     ***

And this, then, is why I have procrastinated so long in answering these questions.  Because in the beginning Lisa was not Prime at all!  There was an’Other who ripped me from my timeline when I was 9 or 10 years old.  She was much older than me (an adult), and she taught me much about life I might have preferred not to know.  Sometimes she came to me and simply messed with my life, forcing me to clean it up and learn as I did so.  Other times she took me to her own life, living out various scenarios that would later impact directly on my timeline.  But she was always in control of the process…

As a teenager, I started to resist her, alternately “loving” her for her honesty and “hating” her for her brutality in communicating it.  I used a variety of techniques (drugs, alcohol, sex, meditation, etc) to try and gain the upper hand in our interactions.  Ultimately those techniques failed because I could not control myself much less her.  Once I set aside drugs and alcohol, the scales began to balance, and with adulthood (and the wisdom it brought), I sought to understand the process itself.  That’s when it began to tip in my favor…

As an adult, I better understood the “teaching” she had tried to impart, and I used the clarity gained in sobriety to explore the implications.  I began to see her more as “human,” with faults, frailties, and baggage, rather than super-human as my child self had assumed.  I started to see her as a peer, an equal.  And then I took on the gargantuan task of “capturing” our interaction…

As I mentioned before, I wrote a book about it (a couple actually), although one was simply a “recording” of our transitions.  In that book, I consciously stepped into her life (by my choice) and recorded what occurred there.  Through that process I learned just how “damaged” her personality was, forever stripping her of super-human status in my mind.  I also encountered another self entirely whom I had never met before, who taught me directly about Time, Space and Movement (Change), thus explaining how these interactions were possible at all.  That self also brought me home to Center, where interactions could occur without co-opting each Others’ lives.

And that is when Lisa became Prime…

That book is available in digital format (free) if you want a copy.  I can email it to you if you are interested.  My understanding (though I remain technology challenged) is that it is a PDF file, and not any e-book format.

Hopefully, these answers are sufficient, and will ennable us to continue discussing this and related topics.

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Conversations, Reflections

“Shhh…”

There is a woman in the distance, who sometimes appears to me.  And though I do not know her, she seems remarkably familiar.  Always standing far away, passing my periphery, I have never yet succeeded in getting her to speak to me…

These last few days, she reappeared, standing to the side.  Watching, but not speaking, interested but not engaged in what is happening to me.  I’ve reached out, repeatedly, seeking counsel from this source, suspecting she is from a timeline I haven’t yet explored.  Everything about her manner suggests her time is not mine yet, and that is precisely why she avoids direct contact…

But with this sense of something looming, and the messages of gathering memories not yet lived, her presence reinforces the convergence of something big.  Time collapsing in upon itself, veils being lifted, glimpses of both past and future residing side by side…

Am I obsessed?  Of course I am!  Driven to understand.  Looking for a reasonable means to end this pointless charade.  Time may own the arena, but time-less are the actors who create the staged production.  And using time to cast the changes is only as productive as the goal that frames and guides the changers…

So…

Today, in that Other Space, pulled there without conscious intent, the maiden made a point of brushing by.  Close enough to touch my arm gently, as she pushed me carefully aside, she whispered softly as she did so, planting this message in my mind:

The urge to speak is strong now, the need felt urgently.  But Silence is our ally, so please just wait and see…

And just like that, she was gone again, as though she never existed at all.  And I was here, where I belong, waiting impatiently…

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Conversations, Reflections

Contradictions…

On gossip, preaching and politicking…

Heart (to Mind): Why do you spout such nonsense, knowing it isn’t true, or worthy of you?

Mind (to Heart): Because I like the sound of my voice in my ears?  Makes me feel more in control, safer and more secure…

Heart:  Lies!  Deception! Propaganda!

Mind: Exactly what makes it “speakworthy” today…

Heart: But Truth resides with me, in Silence and in Peace…

Mind: Yes, of course… But such silence makes people suspicious, puts a target on your back, as everyone seeks to engage you.  I am protecting you!

Heart: ???

Mind: Trust me… *wink*

Heart: ?! ?! ?!

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Conversations, Reflections, Visions

Conversations With… a Stuffed Elephant…?

So, I’m sitting here, in my fevered sickbed haze, minding my own business, mulling over the revelations I’ve had today…  When suddenly I discover I’m having a “conversation.”  Not with the usual participants, mind you; no, this time it’s a small, but adorable, stuffed elephant speaking to me.

Why?  I have no idea!  I don’t even own a stuffed elephant, though I think I would want this one if I did; soft, cuddly, and pale yellow, with a lovely light floral print inside his floppy ears, and along his chest and belly…  He is sitting in a white rocking chair that is several sizes too large for him, all seriousness and sincerity.  I cannot help but laugh at the absurdity of this encounter!  (To which he takes offense, of course!)

Elephant:  You find this amusing, do you?!  Why?  Do I not fit your preconceived notions of sage wisdom?

Me:  Ummm…  Actually…  Well, of course not, you adorable creature!  But that doesn’t mean I won’t talk to you!  In fact, I’m really looking forward to it now…

Elephant:  [trying to hide a grin beneath his oversized trunk…]  And why is that?  Are you willing to take me seriously, or are you merely looking ahead to the many potential opportunities to make fun of me?

Me:  [laughing aloud…]  I don’t need to wait for such opportunities, my friend, as they are abundant and clear from the get-go!  But to answer your other questions, of course I’m willing to take you seriously, and I am grateful to have you here.  My anticipation stems from the unexpectedness of the visit, as well as the form you’ve taken; my experience tells me that such randomness, or blatant distortion of expectation, often leads to “breakthrough” moments, and that is what excites me…

Elephant:  [adjusting the round spectacles he is now wearing more comfortably across a trunk too thick to hold them…]  Well, then.  Let’s get to it, shall we?

[I can only nod, eagerly…]

Your last post had to do with the “axis of power.”  You discussed the Figure-8 Cross in terms of two intersecting paths…

[I nod, somewhat baffled by his desire to bring that up here…]

Yet the picture you later added has three (!) intersecting paths.  Was that a mistake on your part?  Or did you intend to muddy the waters that way?

Me:  Umm…  Neither, actually.  The picture was posted as an attempt to illustrate the discussion.  It just happens to be a more recent model I built (within the last decade) to help me explore the topic.  At the time I was trying to visualize how more figure-8’s (planes of activity) could be incorporated into the model, and I was having trouble doing so.  This physical model forced me to actually make the connections, but I could only physically create the three before it became a hot mess.  Still, it allowed me a little more room to expand my thought process…

Elephant:  And what did your mental model look like when all was said and done?

Me:  It becomes a sphere in the end, created of intersecting figure-8’s that each bisect the Whole.  The outer loops are what give the Sphere its curved shape…

But…  Why is this important?

Elephant:  Hmm… ? [looking up, distractedly, from the notes he has been taking…  Removing his spectacles, he taps them rhythmically against his trunk…]  A sphere, you say?  Now, that’s interesting!

Me:  [confused…]  Ok…  Why?

Elephant:  Now…  Talk to me about those trees!

Me:  The trees?!  What do they have to do with all this?

Elephant:  Well… [shifting in his seat, somewhat annoyed with me]  Indeed what?!…

Do they not possess both vertical and horizontal axis to be explored?  Do they not present a curved canopy to the outside world (more or less anyway, as their trunks hold up their tops, while their roots spread out beneath)?  Have they not been seeking to express themselves in the world in which you live?  Have they not accepted an offer of partnership in moving forward through that world?!

Hmmph!  [Shaking his head, annoyed…]

Sometimes!  I swear!…

[I can only stare at him; I have no coherent response as yet…)

Me:  So… [thoughtfully…]  Is this the point (notice I don’t use “time” here), that we acknowledge the elephant standing in the middle of the room…?

Elephant:  If you insist, of course.  Personally, I never forgot it!

[And winking at me, his image fades…]

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Conversations, Reflections, Stories..., Visions

“A Lesson on the Evolution of Rocks… and things.”

The Teacher led us to a rocky ledge, basking in the early morning sun, and bade us sit and make ourselves comfortable.  “Steady your breathing and claim your space,” she instructed us.

After some time had passed, she sighed deeply, and began to speak…

This stone I’m sitting upon is warming beneath me…,” she said.  “It’s almost as if it’s absorbing my own heat energy and reflecting it back to me.  Why do you suppose that is?”

No one responded…

Hmm…,” she mused aloud.  “Rocks evolve in a crucible of heat and pressure.  When the proper levels of each are achieved, they transform themselves into entirely different form.  Same matter, maybe (?), but a totally different expression of it, with different qualities, different strengths, different weaknesses…  The same, but different…”

She paused a moment, seemingly lost in thought.  Silence reigned upon the rocky knoll…

So the question then becomes, for me anyway… [a smile tugged at the corner of her mouth] … are the rocks then feeding me (by warming me), or are they feeding off me (by draining off my heat energy in the first place)?  Is the growing heat beneath me reflective of my healing or my weakening?”

Silence held the listeners’ tongues…  Laughing, she turned to look at each of us in turn…

Did you all follow me up here to listen to me talk to myself?”

One seeker spoke up, hesitating and awkward…  “I feel only good coming from the rock I’m with.  The experience is pleasant, comforting, blissful…  I feel more grounded, more centered, more… whole somehow…  I think the rock is helping, rather than hurting me,” he concluded quietly.

Ok, then,” the Teacher responded.  “From your perspective the rock is serving you…  Beautiful!  Wonderful!  How empowering and validating it must be to be loved in this manner!…”  She turned and looked sharply at the speaker.  “But why do you suppose the rock should choose to serve you this way?  Does it gain nothing from its interaction with you?”

Another seeker spoke up…  “Perhaps the good feelings are merely a side effect of the draining of energy…?  Some predators drug their victims so they don’t realize they’re in danger until they are too weak to respond,” she suggested.

Ahhh…,” responded the Teacher.  “In which case, the very rocks upon this Earth may be our enemies, draining us, enslaving us to fuel their evolution…?”

The student did not respond…

Seems curious to me,” mused the Teacher, “that we have so many ‘stone masters’ in our collective human history, if we are indeed their slaves.  Perhaps that is part of the shared delusion the stones create to bend us to their will…?”

Silence settled once more upon the small group.  The sun warmed as it rose higher in the morning sky.  The humans warmed,  absorbing its heat and light.  The rocks warmed, creating a haven of peace and serenity, soothing city souls…

“It seems to me,” a third seeker began, “that everything in the Universe, in Nature, revolves around the principle of exchange…  From the grossest planetary matter, to the tiniest sub-atomic particles, all forms freely exchange energy.  Each expression of matter may use that energy differently, but we are all using the same energy…  Why, then, would this be any different?  Why cast it as an either/or question?”

He looked directly at the Teacher…  And continued.

“Can we not suppose, perhaps, that the exchange of heat energy between us and the rocks is of mutual benefit somehow?”

Interesting question,” the Teacher responded.  “Perhaps we could explore that a bit…?”

When no objections were voiced, she began to speculate aloud…

So, the rock absorbs my heat energy to use for some internal process, and then returns that heat energy to me, making me feel good…?”

No one in the small gathering responded…

But is there then a purpose to this exchange, beyond the mere cycling, or recycling, of energy…?”  Chuckling softly, she continued, mostly to herself.  “Talk about the proverbial waste of time…”

“Unless…,” the third seeker began.  “Unless the rocks transform my heat energy in some manner before returning it to me…?  In which case, it’s not precisely the same energy…?”

Smiling broadly, the Teacher looked directly at the third seeker…  “From which we might conclude that we also transform such energy before passing it back to the stones…?  Or other beings we might encounter along our way?”

“Like bees!,” another seeker exclaimed.  “We, as humans, have mobility that the stones do not innately possess.  I mean, they move, of course, but not nearly as easily as we do.  Perhaps our mutual exchange allows us to carry the stone-transformed energy elsewhere, while leaving some residue of our travels behind!  Such an exchange would benefit both parties, empowering, informing, even directing the evolution of all matter…”

Another seeker jumped in, excitedly… “Gently pushing us all in the same general direction…”

And yet another seeker found her voice…  “Both pushing us forward while reigning us in, so no one form alters too dramatically in a single step!”

All eyes focused on the Teacher…

She sighed deeply, drawing in the early summer morning, then lay back upon her warmed rock.  The seekers waited, expectantly, though none could voice their need.

The same… but different,” she murmured softly.

Soon the Teacher’s gentle snoring became part of the ambient summer soundscape…

 

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Conversations

Conversations with the Other: Random…

Me:  Just waiting for the right moment… [smiling]

Other:  But there is no “right” moment…?

Me:  Sure there is!  [giggling]  The right moment is always called “now,” while the moments that are left are called “before” or “later,” or some variation thereof…

Other: [tilting head to the right] ???

Me: Exactly!!  Now…  wait for it…  Soon now…

Other: [starting to giggle]…

Me:  Now!!

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