It is what it is…
We are who we are…
A simple expression
in human flesh and form.
“And what is mine?,”
One thinks to ask.
“Love heals All…
It is what it is…
We are who we are…
A simple expression
in human flesh and form.
“And what is mine?,”
One thinks to ask.
“Love heals All…
There is a mockingbird calling outside my window today… (not really)… To be honest, I have no idea what a mockingbird sounds like, or if they even live in my part of the world. I suppose there could be one, but I wouldn’t know it if there was. I just like the name, and felt the connection, and the intrigue drew me on…
There is an icy wind slicing through the warmth of the strong spring sun… (true enough)…
There is a sense of expectation welling up inside me, spilling over, spreading out… tainting everything it touches today.
There is an image haunting me – a single line that branches into many separate ones – repeating over and over again. It’s in the bare tree branches only just beginning to bud, and in the broken ones so callously discarded by the wind. It’s there in the pavement cracks created by the spring thaw and freeze phenomenon. It’s there upon my very skin, where age and dryness intersect. And in the movement of the clouds so far above my head.
There is a phrase that’s taunting me, as my mind touches lightly upon discomfort of any kind… it plays itself, distracting me from every other thought… Don’t like what that person has said or done? Doesn’t matter anymore; move on. Got too much to do today? Doesn’t matter anymore; just get to it. Not feeling up to meeting your obligations today? Doesn’t matter; you do what you can. Feeling sorry for yourself today? Ha ha, hee hee, you’re too funny… damn!
And then the simple, all pervasive, perspective shifting thought…
I’m… already… gone!
Glaring defects in all we know.
Micro glitches in my CD, bringing dissonance to those soothing sounds.
Shattered lines and missing pieces in the mirror I hold, distorting every image it reflects.
Spider-web cracks spreading across the window glass, blocking every vision that might exist beyond the pane (pain)…
Simple lines bisecting bones, altering every relationship I hold with gravity on this Earth.
Eliminating any weight-bearing strength I might once have had…
Massive movement on a global scale.
As continental plates rub against one another, creating heat in friction,
threatening to overflow in melted stone and ash.
Shaking up this world in trembling anticipation of what is yet to come.
Ice shelves slipping gracefully into the sea, drowning out the sound of whispering winds,
roaring out a challenge and a warning, so remote it’s voice is barely heard.
Icy winds drive massive storms, burying the cities and the plains in blinding snow,
freezing every person, place or thing in time that moves without changing anything.
A sun that rises, strong and warm, driving out the chill,
Melting all the evidence of all that we’ve done wrong.
Water rising as clouds cry, and snow recedes,
washing away the memory of death breathing down our necks.
In the dams that keep the floods at bay…
In the foundations that keep us standing up…
In the beliefs that kept us calm through so many of life’s storms…
In the hope that life will triumph over catastrophe next time…
In the rose-colored glasses and the ego-driven classes.
In the delusions and the promises and the trajectories of our time…
Not broken… Yet!
But soon enough we’ll see
the fractures running through each and every one of us.
Giving up and giving way
collapsing under our own weight
destruction of all we’ve made
creation of a whole new day…
*** *** ***
And with Day 8, One Truth made manifest,
the blinding Light chasing protective Shadows away,
leaving a Mind to crumble and cast about, seeking something solid to hang onto.
But there was Nothing left…
And so it fractured, and fell into a heap.
And tiny pieces trembled as they lifted themselves from the ruins of all-that-was,
“I am alone,” One thought.
And her Heart broke at that realization.
New fractures replacing old…
Life is a challenge. A series of lessons. A chance to improve. A path to evolution. All of these things. And then some…
Maybe. Or maybe not. That is what I am discovering, anyway.
I mean, I have spent so much of my life in “school,” learning the hard way. Gaining wisdom, some might say. But all of that implies progress; slow, steady (sometimes regressive) steps forward. All of that implies time.
And if I look at the sum total of my nearly 55 years here (this time), and add to it the memories I have of other times and places, the “facts” (or experiences) would support that hypothesis.
Time heals all wounds. To everything there is a season. Slow and steady wins the race. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Keep on keeping on… Time wins every time!
But Time is a construct. A deception. A barrier. And a lie. At least for me…
The truth is, every major breakthrough I’ve had (in this life or any other) came as an epiphany. There might have been wallowing that preceded said epiphany. There might have been intention. There may even have been hints and clues strewn about the landscape of my current timespace. But the moment of change was always dramatic, instantaneous and complete.
I spent months pondering the pros and cons of sobriety before I actually embraced it, still using occasionally and making excuses. And then one day someone said the “wrong” thing to me, embarrassed me, and made me mad as hell. A week later, as my anger subsided, I stopped drinking. And I’ve never even been truly tempted to look back. Does that mean I’m not an alcoholic, after all? Doesn’t matter, because I’m not interested in drinking anymore…
I spent years in and out of therapy, on various medications, trying to “fix” what was broken in me. Then one day it occurred to me that broken or not, I enjoyed my kind of crazy. I’ve never needed meds since…
I have spent a lifetime feeling like I need to “earn” my place in the world, developing integrity, seeking reciprocity, taking responsibility for whatever crosses my path. And yet…
It finally occurs to me that I have a right to exist, simply because I do!
Not earth shaking news for many of you, I’m sure, but it was a life-changing revelation for me.
And I don’t need to save the world, after all. Because each of you is capable of making your own decisions, whether I approve of them or not. Each of you has the same right to exist as me…
And as this “truth” sinks in, “gravity” falls away. My back straightens as my load is lightened. My wings unfurl once more, and I am delighted to discover I can fly once again.
And my spirit soars…
Am I the only one who feels reluctance to voice those words this year? Am I the only one who believes that uttering such sentiments is tantamount to inviting people to indulge in fantasy while abandoning reality?
I mean, it’s not that I don’t want good things to happen to people, because I certainly do. It’s more that I sense that such “good things” as health, prosperity and peace are unattainable at this time. And while it’s true that I said the obligatory greetings at midnight between December 31st and January 1st, even I could not miss the sarcasm or irony in my tone as I did so.
I have avoided posting (or responding to) Facebook greetings about the new year for the most part. And when I felt it was necessary, I have acknowledged them with “likes” rather than reciprocity; anything more would feel too insincere. It just doesn’t seem like a happy new year…
I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my innate honesty coming out. I’m not depressed, nor do I wish to trigger others’ anxieties, but all of my instincts rail against the false hope implied in that traditional greeting.
***. ***. ***
I avoid the news. I’ve cut myself off from anyone’s supposedly factual presentation of “what’s happening now.” I did so because… well, I guess if I have to explain why, then you likely would disagree with my reasoning, so never mind. The point is, when I feel compelled to investigate “what’s happening out there (as opposed to in here),” I tend to read opinion pieces instead. At least they’re honest about being opinions (mostly), and if I read enough opposing opinions, I can sometimes get a sense of what “facts” might have triggered them, somewhere in between their interpretations of events.
So today I got up early enough to read several such opposing opinions, and thought now might be a good time to catch up on the world my body is inhabiting.
I think that might have been a mistake…
Because I’m truly not sure what reality I tagged into. And I’m not convinced anyone else I read knows either, though they don’t seem at all concerned with their skewed points of view. I just couldn’t make sense of anything I read!
There were the Earth-friendly writers (usually liberal leaning, if not outright left wing extremists) touting Trump as the destroyer of the Cabal…?! Umm… is this the same Trump who’s been on a direct “destroy the environment to eke out a few more pennies of profit” kick for decades?
Or the self-declared leftist revolutionaries questioning why openly right wing conservatives are mysteriously dying, supporting the alt-right’s declaration of conspiracies against them…?! Umm… really?!
There are the Evangelicals finally admitting that their Bible prophesies a non-believer who would become king, restoring their patriarchal, authoritarian rule of law…?! “Of course Trump is a non-believer, but we wouldn’t want him any other way! Only a non-believer could support our [ridiculous, restrictive, murderous] agenda!”
There are high-ranking (former) military and government officials openly, and publicly, calling on our military to stage a coup, while our rank and file members turn out in droves (against military rules) in Trump supporting paraphernalia, appearing to be his greatest fans…! All while not getting paid?! Really?!
And then there’s the truly delusional ones. You know the hype. “We’ve finally turned the corner! So many people have evolved enough that true peace is right around the corner!” Really? Where?
Meanwhile, in my city, there were three murders already, before New Year’s Day was officially over – a shooting, a stabbing, and a home invasion resulting in a fatality (home dweller, not thief, of course). And these are all “poor on poor” crimes, regardless of color, religion, immigration status, or sexual orientation…
I don’t know… Maybe I am depressed after all. But “happy new year”?
When I stop to question why I bother to survive
in a world hell-bent on destruction and dying
I don’t have to travel far
to see the smiles or feel the scars
to ride the highs of excitement and joy
or wallow in the depths of disappointment and sorrow.
For all around me are excuses to be
whatever we want or expect to become:
the rich, the poor, the sickly and well
the humble, the prideful, the angry and lustful.
And whether or not I agree with their choices
I acknowledge their right to choose.
Looking into the “eyes” that surround me
wherever the place, whatever the time
These are the reasons for all of the seasons
Life to be lived without rhyme or reason.
How long does something need to be missing from your life before you notice it’s gone? How long does it take you to identify that missing element? Can you even identify it?
Just curious, I guess. Lately I’ve been experiencing that a lot.
I walked into my craft room the other day, and noticed a gaping hole on a display shelf. I stopped to wonder what might have been there…? I mean, clearly something else must have sat there, else why would the one other item on the shelf be sitting off to one side? Or am I missing something obvious here…?
I have a shelf of broken and forgotten toys at work, gathered over my 13+ years there, and including some that predate even me. I noticed a similar “hole” on that shelf recently. But I absolutely cannot imagine what used to sit there!
My daughter was in serious crisis the weekend before Thanksgiving. It dragged into days… then weeks. She is attempting to reconstruct her life around new principles and priorities now. Yesterday, someone thought to ask me how she was doing with that. My response?
“I have no idea…”
“How can you have no idea?!,” she asked with incredulity.
Hmm… good question, so I pondered for a moment.
“I guess I’m just out of the loop these days,” I answered finally. “She doesn’t report to me, and we only talk when I see her once a week. But then the kids are there…”
A co-worker asked me about something work related yesterday (damned if I remember what – lol!), and my response was “I have no idea.” When she went on to question me about it, I learned something else I didn’t know! She just stared at me like I’d lost my mind, and I merely laughed, pointing out the obvious fact that I was clearly “out of the loop.”
And frankly, I don’t seem to mind…
Working the floor, dealing with customers a lot this time of year. And over the last week or so I’ve been pressed for things we haven’t carried in years. All things I remember having… once. But no more. “Sorry” is all I can offer. Why the sudden fascination with things long gone, things I wouldn’t even know we’re missing unless someone asked?
And so it goes, day in and day out. A monotony of dim colors with an occasional splash of brilliant sparkle, rapidly lost to memory. I not only feel detached from reality, but actually distanced from it, as though none of it is real anymore. My thoughts aren’t even present anymore, spinning as they are around long forgotten memories suddenly resurfacing in my conscious mind. Memories that seem to lack both purpose and significance. Memories that make me wonder why I’m even bothering…?
And all I can “hear” when I question all this is “I’m out of the loop…”
Missing in action…
And I didn’t even know…
So… how long has it been? How long did it take me to realize this?!
Ahhh, time. The loopiest of life’s loops!