Trapped in the labyrinth in last night’s dreams
being tested, repeatedly.
All different scenarios, but with the same goals:
to get me to own my own shit.
I tried to engage the people I met
to recruit them toward helping me.
But every one turned their backs on me…
After all… it wasn’t their shit!
The “answer” was always the same –
some version of “letting go”
or “moving on”
and leaving them on their own…
Until every twist and turn within
became almost predictable.
With me saying, “yep, yep, yep…”
And starting to speed up my steps.
One of the advantages, I suppose
of so many years getting to know
And then I woke, relieved at first
that the tests were temporarily shelved.
Only to roll out of bed to intense physical pain,
brought on by the questionable weather?
“What the hell is this about?!,”
I thought to ask myself.
“So much progress made today,
and this is the thanks I get?!”
So much I’ve learned in lifetimes here, but one truth remains elusive: how to find real relief living in a 3D shell residing in a 3D hell…
I mean, truthfully, every day here is like every other, as predictable as the dream itself. I wake, quite often feeling physical pain, just to prove it’s not a dream. Drink coffee. Clean myself (maybe) or have breakfast (maybe), but those are the only variables with which to play. Dress myself and head to work, to “earn” my way in this world…
Then it’s off to visit friends sometimes, or maybe a trip to the store, to buy those necessities a 3D body requires (like coffee, and food, and clothes). Then home (at last!) to see my cat, who’s waiting eagerly for his treats. More coffee, and a chance to sit (finally!), to catch up on some emails, read some blogs, or maybe watch tv…
Until I’m sleeping where I sit, struggling to stay awake. Why? I have no real idea. Maybe because to sleep resets the day, so I can go through it all again…
And once a week work offers me a check, a “thank you for showing up” gesture that I appreciate. So one night a week includes a trip to the bank, to put my UOMe into a talking machine. But there is nothing owed to me, when all the math is done, as I am just a temporary holding station. For two days later, I guarantee, I’ll be on the internet, paying bills, all honestly owed. And my IOThem’s are always more than UOMe’s, you know.
So it’s back up for another day, another round of all this stuff. And I can find no real escape! Trapped here in this vicious cycle, monotony day by day. Predictable as the labyrinth within my dream, but without a clear path to follow. Not even the offer of a dead end path, down which I might willingly wander. If only for the change of pace…
My mind is free to wander, of course, and it very often does. But the body remains trapped here, unable to “move on.” And while I realize that I have much here to be grateful for, and perhaps more than I deserve, the truth that haunts the background here is, “who wants to live in a cage?”
“Why is this?! It makes no rational sense!,” I scream in my frustration.
“There is no logical, reasonable, spiritual explanation that even remotely justifies it!”
For if reality is my own creation (and I believe it is),
and if I am capable of manifesting miracles here (which I believe I’ve done),
then there is no way I should be physically trapped here in this place!
The body is just a vessel, nothing more, nothing less. Is there any wonder why I’m often self-destructive? I know I’ve earned every pain, every ache, with the bad decisions I’ve made. But seriously, self, this is the worst “joke” I’ve ever played upon myself!
And no, I’m not looking for outside help or explanations here; I “get” what the labyrinth expects: my shit, my problem, my dilemma to work out. I’m only writing here to record the steps I’ve taken, leaving breadcrumbs to mark my way. Taking note of all the other scratches, marks, and indicators of the many times I’ve passed this way. This one part of the puzzle has me stymied, to be sure, but I’m certain (absolutely certain!) that there must be a way!
Every other test I’ve faced has involved letting go, or moving on, so how do they apply? Other than the obvious which would be to simply die? But even that solution is not available to me, at least not at this time. But with time now proven to be irrelevant…
“Damn! And I’m right back where I started!” Once again…
And the labyrinth chalks up yet another win…