Unquotables

Unquotable Quotes #26

[Based on a real conversation I had recently with a co-worker and friend, who is usually quite tolerant of my eccentricities, even if she doesn’t follow or agree with them…]

FRIEND:  Who are you, and what have you done to my Lisa?

ME: (blank stare)…

FRIEND: No, seriously.  Where did she go, and how do I get her back?

ME: (shrugging, while shaking my head slowly, confused)…

FRIEND:  I want my Lisa back!!  Make it happen!

*** [fast forward 2 days or so]***

FRIEND: I told you I want my Lisa back!!  Where is she?!

ME:  I’m sorry…?  I don’t know…?  how…?

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Unquotables

Unquotable Quotes #25

[Begin rant…]

Please don’t stand on the other side of my retail counter spending money you don’t have on gifts that aren’t needed, and lecture me about how the “true” meaning of the holiday season has been lost because us retail folk refuse to greet everyone with the words “Merry Christmas!”

Your glaring hypocrisy makes a mockery of both your argument, and the offense you’ve taken!

Enough said!

[End rant!]

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Reflections

Fight, Flight or Surrender…? (Or a Whole New “Level” of Empathy?)

I’m sitting here this morning, experiencing…  something.  Knowing words (even my vast and deep aquaintance-ship with them) will fail to adequately capture, yet compelled to express what I can…  Restless.  Unable to sit still long enough to seek comfort in meditation or other focused activities.  Too grounded in “what is” to escape, too flighty to “act” in any coherent or productive manner, too lost to feel secure, too beaten down to want to try, and yet…

And yet “I” still exist – empowered, connected, secure in my Self, certain of my ability to navigate and survive.  Questioning, but not truly seeking answers, for the rhetorical seems to suffice.  For behind the experience of everyday living is the echoing timbre, the consistent, measured heartbeat of single, simple words…  What?  Why?  Where?  Who?  When?  But not one of them sticks around long enough for a reply to form.  It’s as if the answers themselves are pointless, and the questions a habit carried over from some other time…

I used to play a game at times like these (I started very young, my earliest memories of it around three years of age).  I would sit quietly on the sidelines of life and watch others, then “make up” stories about their lives, based on what I “felt” when I looked at them.  The stories took on more nuance and advanced plots as I aged, but the process was always the same.  I would mostly never know if my “stories” reflected any truth about the people I observed, but the process itself helped me fine tune both my ability to identify and name feelings, and my understanding of people, relationships, and life in general.  It also taught me a great deal about compassion, about putting myself in someone else’s shoes, about real “needs” versus stated “wants,” and about my self, as every such experience was tainted by my own expectations and desires…

Over the past few weeks, I have delved deeper into my emotional cauldron than I have in recent years; there has not been the option of skating across the surface of things, simply naming, ruminating, and letting go.  I find myself immersed, drowning, yet easily able to breathe when the panic subsides.  I have known a rage so real (my own, no less), that the “beast” within me quivers with the need to lash out and devour all within range – friend, foe and stranger indistinguishable in the red haze.  I find myself commiserating with those who act out in seemingly senseless acts of violence, wishing that I, too, could find some relief that way.  But I cannot separate myself enough from the victims of such acts to make such an outcry possible for me…

I have felt so completely defeated that I wished for nothing more than to curl up in a ball and cease to exist in this present time and place.  But I cannot “give up” on my Self, or abandon those others with whom I have so deeply bonded (people, animals, and trees alike)…

So I walk through each day, head spinning, feet stumbling forward, simply trying to acknowledge each new wave or experience as it happens, reeling from the onslaught of sensory and emotional data.  Shielding does not appeal to me, as dulling the experience does not nullify it or erase it; it merely minimizes its intellectual impact, driving my thoughts ever further from my feelings about life.  Such distancing is not true detachment, after all, just a dilution of the poison that will allow me to “suffer” longer…

A few days ago my 17 month old granddaughter visited me in my dreams, just as we were both awakening.  She stood there as her baby self (not the spirit self with whom I have so far interacted), and babbled baby talk at me.  When I acknowledged her by name, and asked if she had come to visit Grandma Lisa, she smiled.  I told her I loved her, and she giggled.  And when I mentioned I needed to wake up, and waved good-bye to her, she waved back…

I found this encounter significant for a couple reasons.  One, it was the first time she projected into my dreams, and she did so as her current, chosen form; that seemed huge to me, that she now has such a strongly developed sense of self.  Two, it seems to take our bond to a whole new level.  If she is expressing such an ability in dreamwalking, at this age, I can only feel excitement about where it might lead…

Yesterday I attended a kids Halloween party with my daughter and grandchildren.  It was noisy, chaotic… frantic almost, as if the need to “celebrate” something, anything had long since overwhelmed the significance of form; it didn’t matter why we were all there, just that we were.  My granddaughter appeared shell-shocked through most of it, her usual curiosity and fearlessness swamped by the immensity of the experience.  I could relate, and yet I found myself eager to engage.

We wandered around, aimlessly, while my grandson played, and I found the “stories” seeking me, rather than the other way around.  I saw smiles and laughter, intense enjoyment, plastered on faces beneath vacant eyes, as though the masks on everyday faces had long since lost touch with the reality of individual lives.  I saw surprise, and glimpses of presence, when I reached out to acknowledge individual beings, complimenting costumes, praising performances, or thanking them for being there.  That first moment of shock in those vacant eyes when they realized I was speaking to them was… I don’t know…  heartwarming and heartbreaking, all at the same time…

There was a young boy who no doubt practiced for weeks to get on that stage and sing for a crowd that never even looked his way.  He and his father walked away dejectedly from the stage.  When I caught up to them to shake the boy’s hand, and tell him I thought his performance was amazing and to thank him for performing, neither he nor his father knew how to respond…

Then there was the man I was suspicious of.  No reason, no overt acts that appeared irregular, inappropriate, or threatening, and still…  I actually warned my daughter to be aware of him.  I found myself stalking his presence through the crowd.  I even had my daughter pose for a picture so I could capture his image in the background, just in case…  In case of what?  I have no idea.  But my feelings were real.  And whenever my eyes crossed paths with him, I felt this tension, this certainty that a breaking point was near, and that certainty triggered fear…  More than once he locked eyes with me, and though I “felt” calm, nonjudgmental peace toward him, I could not deny the desperation that shone back at me.  His eyes were not vacant, and he was clearly in pain…

A friend recently suggested that perhaps this is just the way things are now.  The past is no longer an adequate map for navigating the present, because its rules no longer apply.  The future can no longer guide us because our goals cannot align with the way things are developing; it is too unpredictable, unstable and unstoppable to shift.  There is only now – fight or flight in each moment, and radical “surrender” to what is, forfeiting all hope of wants being met, and most cases of need…

But I cannot help but wonder if this is all just a reflection of a whole new level of empathy…  Which would actually represent “progress” would it not?

Hmm…

 

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Reflections

Dis-Engaged…

Dis-gusted…       Dis-eased…     Dis-gruntled…     Dis-empowered…     Dis-placed…     Dis-enfranchised…   Dis-pleased…     Dis-traught…     Dis(orDys)-functional…    Dis-interested…     Dis-obedient…     Dis-approve…     Dis-entangled…     Dis-like…     Dis-advantaged…     Dis-believing…     Dis-ordered…    Dis-affected…   Dis-agree…  Dis-assembling…     Dis-aster…     Dis-allowed…     Dis-associated…     Dis-abused!

Anyone else feeling “dis-sed” these days?

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Reflections

“Where have you been?!”…

…someone recently asked me.  “What have you been up to?  I never hear from you anymore!  Anything new happening?”

I thought about those questions, and my responses…  and then I laughed out loud.  Literally!

Because the answers are obvious… yet irrelevant.

I’m here, where I’ve always been; locked into my own consciousness and its journey, wherever that leads me…

I’m up to no good… but no bad, either.  Judgment has deserted me.  But I happen to think that’s a good thing…

You never hear from me because I have nothing to say that may be of interest to you.  Truth is, most of my revelations lately have been of an entirely personal nature; as in relating to the day-to-day me about day-to-day things.  And while I’ve certainly followed some interesting blogs/stories about those very things (and consider my own to be in a similar genre), the fact is that I try to restrict my personal musings to topics that might reflect others’ discoveries.  So, sharing my work issues, or finances, or other completely self-oriented stories seems a little “off topic” for me, unless they reveal something more universal underneath…

As to what’s “new”?  How about everything… and yet nothing!

What about active timeline shifts; do they count?  Because they have become much more obvious lately, and downright transparent!  How do I know this (aside from my own experiences of them)?  Because I see the looks in peoples’ eyes when I casually throw out a remark about “just another timeline shift…”  They used to have that cautious, knowing “uh oh, here we go again” look in their eyes.  Then it became the “deer in the headlight” look.  Now it’s a shrug, and a nod, and an “oh, good… if that’s all(?)” kind of look I get.  Is there any more to say to that?

Today I read a one line blog post from someone I’ve followed for a couple of years; she’s been a “reliable” source for me, keeping me abreast of what’s happening outside my limited field of vision.  The post said, essentially, that this reality is all fake…  That’s it.  A simple, but important reminder…

I then went on to read other posts, from her and other people, scrolling through my email from most recent to older ones I hadn’t read yet.  I was intrigued to find at least two other posts from her directly contradicting former positions she’d held!  I had to re-read them a couple times to make sure I hadn’t misunderstood.  But no…  The words were there, black on white, perfectly understandable, yet completely foreign coming from her…

I went on to read other people, discovering post after post contradicting what I believed to be true…  I was bewildered, to say the least!

Then I remembered the first thing I’d read, which was actually the last thing that had been written: everything in this reality is fake…

And I laughed.  What else can you do?  It’s just another timeline shift…

And maybe I do have have something to share after all…

*shrugging as I walk away…*

 

 

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Conversations, Reflections

Contradictions…

On gossip, preaching and politicking…

Heart (to Mind): Why do you spout such nonsense, knowing it isn’t true, or worthy of you?

Mind (to Heart): Because I like the sound of my voice in my ears?  Makes me feel more in control, safer and more secure…

Heart:  Lies!  Deception! Propaganda!

Mind: Exactly what makes it “speakworthy” today…

Heart: But Truth resides with me, in Silence and in Peace…

Mind: Yes, of course… But such silence makes people suspicious, puts a target on your back, as everyone seeks to engage you.  I am protecting you!

Heart: ???

Mind: Trust me… *wink*

Heart: ?! ?! ?!

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self-discovery, Stories..., Visions

The Embrace…

I am walking down a forest path, at peace, contemplating all that has been happening near me.  Something moves in front of me, though what it is at first eludes me.  Gradually my eyes focus enough to “discover” a being hiding in the gloom behind a tree…

I stop walking, not wanting to intrude on or frighten this stranger before me…

“It’s ok,” I softly say.  “I’m not here to harm you or disturb you in any way.  I’m just passing through…  Would you mind if I passed by, or would you prefer me to turn around and leave?  After all, you were here first, weren’t you?”  I smile to reinforce my words…

The being leans forward a bit, looking up and down the path.  I see now its humanoid form.  I notice also its wariness, its vigilence.  I sense no fear coming from the being, just profound awareness, and caution…  And strength, unlike anything I have encountered before!  This being is in its element, and knows it; if anyone should be afraid, it should be me…

But I am not afraid…

I wait, patiently, wondering if (and how) this being may communicate with me.  After several minutes, the sense of threat, of possible dire consequence, begins to fade.  The being checks the path once more, before stepping out to face me…

At first I am bewildered by what I see, questioning if it’s a trick of light, or some sort of mirrored shield being held up in front of me; for standing on the path ahead is a younger, darker version of me.  She is cloaked and hooded in forest greens, well camouflaged in this environment.  Her posture is alert, but relaxed, raw power emanating from every pore of her being.  She simply looks at me, expectantly, waiting for my reaction…

It is then I realize it is my Shadow facing me, the one who’s call has been leading me for days.  And slowly, the odd dynamics of our current status begin revealing themselves to me…

For clearly, she has the power for now; her strength, purpose, presence are palpable.  But I am in control; my consciousness must decide what happens next…  I stand there, rooted like the trees surrounding me, held in this timeless moment by the sense of import, the sheer significance of this encounter!  Finally, I take a small, almost involuntary, stumbling step forward.  She stands straighter, somehow creating a less threatening posture in spite of growing taller…

“May I approach?,” I think to ask, falling back on familiar civilities, while seeking to convey respect.

She nods, but says nothing…

I approach slowly, soaking up every detail, mesmerized by all I see…  “You are truly magnificent!,” I breathe aloud as I get close enough to truly see her.  And she is!  All the things that I am not – confident, secure, balanced – and so, so, so much more; I have difficulty grasping that she is me, given how different we appear.

“I have been looking for you,” I explain to her.  “Everywhere.  In the forests mostly, but also in the lakes and oceans, in the sunlight that warms my skin, and the moonlight that guides my dreams.  I have searched for you in my sanctuary spaces, and travelled to the crossroads hoping to encounter you.  I have even dipped into the river of time seeking just a moment with you…”

“I have been waiting for you,” she finally speaks.  “And now you have come…”

I chuckle nervously, unsure about what to do next, so I ask…  “Now what?  We have met.  What happens next?”

“That’s up to you,” she softly answers.  I am captivated by her calm, her lack of urgency, anxiety, or need…  “What do you want?,” she whispers…

Echoes of that question reverberate in my mind, remembering other places, other times this question was asked of me.  But this time, I know immediately what I want!

“I want to embrace you, to hug you, to hold you close to me,” I answer, before shyness can prevent the words from escaping…

She smiles fully, holding open her arms wide, offering herself in perfect trust.  I step forward eagerly, carefully placing my left arm above her shoulder, and my right arm beneath hers.  Leaning slightly right, I hug her tightly, heart to heart, and let myself go completely in this moment…

I become aware of our heartbeats, separate, but the same.  I feel them merging into one resounding, rhythmic, beat.  I sense the boundary between us dissolving, with neither absorbing the other, but each becoming One…  Each cell that defines us, each strand of energy, every memory, experience, hope, doubt and triumph merges smoothly, leaving us distinctly present while still being Whole…

I (we) breathe deeply, the scents of the forest accompanied now with a deeper understanding, identifying “what’s” and “who’s” in a way I could not do just moments before.  As my mind automatically begins to process the significance of each scent identified, I feel my own (other’s) surprise at how efficiently it does so.

There is bliss in this experience of union, and excitement of what we can learn, do and create together!  I (we) are complete, and the whole Universe is our home…  And playground…

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