“I Want it All…”

“I want it All…

I want it All…

I want it All…

And I want it NOW!”

(Repeat)

“Here’s to the future…

to the dreams of you/youth.”

(Excerpts from the song “I Want it All” by Queen)

***   ***  ***

Stuck in my brain, on endless repeat, for three days now.  First thought upon waking each day, last thought before drifting off to sleep, playing over and over and over again through every moment of my timeless days…

I don’t even know if the lyrics are correct, at least the last line, and I remember nothing else from the song.  I’m sure the order is off because I can hear the music in my head, and there is an uncomfortable shift/gap between the lines.  But none of that matters.  It isn’t about what is “real” or right, but rather about what is obsessing me…

I was “gifted” with a piece of meteorite (much heavier than I would expect it to be), and found myself “called” to collect a small Lemurian Crystal.  The meteorite, when engaged, placed me in the center of a spinning gyroscope, with dimensional planes shifting around and through me.  I felt certain I had acquired a “key” between them, as well as a vehicle in which to “safely” experience these planar shifts…

When I combined the two in meditation, I met “Bekkah,” a young Pliadian.  Not extraordinary, not “special,” just young and open and full of eagerness.  This was her crystal, “programmed” not with data that might save or enlighten the world, but with her fondest hopes and dreams…

And in the background, I saw my Self, as multiple beings, existing across time (as evidenced by apparel, appearance, and accessories), all superimposed, one upon the other.  I thought at first that it was a chronicle of “past lives,” and some were familiar to me; others were new and unexpected, including both gender and species shifts.  But it came to me today, as it all played out behind my eyes again, that it was not a record of “past” lives, but rather concurrent ones.

I am All of these beings, simultaneously and without contradiction.  All are happening now.  And “I” am more simple and complex than even I had previously imagined…

Just something to think about…  😀

Living “Debt Free”…

I had a dream almost a week ago in which my dream mentor told me, quite plainly, “all your debt is paid…”

When the words were first spoken, shock set in, followed rapidly by disbelief, which morphed into thoughts of consequences and caveats…

“But what about the taxes?,” I asked.  “Has any provision been made for that?  I mean, if you write off that kind of debt, there are tax consequences…”

My mentor cocked his head and just looked at me, exasperated.

“I didn’t say your debt has been forgiven; I said it has been paid…  You are now able to begin living debt-free.”

As these words were spoken, I allowed my doubt to leave, watching as it burst into a tiny flame burning somewhere near my heart.  Slowly that flame grew into excitement, anticipation, and yes, even hope, spreading rapidly throughout my body.  The expanding warmth finally reached my head and toes, and with it came clarity…

Laughing, I said to him, “ohhh…  You’re talking about Karma, aren’t you?”

And then I awoke…

Ok, so maybe my financial debt remains, a holdover from when I believed I owed the world something, simply for taking up space here.  But still…  this “gift” is huge!!

Debt free, karmically speaking, what does that really mean?  How does it feel?  How does it translate into daily activity?  These are the questions driving my experiences today…

The first thing I noticed was a certain “lightness,” a lifting of an ever-present weight upon my shoulders.  I stood straighter, calmer, more confidently in my space.  I realized, with a growing sense of wonder, that I owed nobody anything (can’t figure out how to make that work, grammatically, but you get the idea…).  I understood that everything I do now truly is by choice, a choice freed of guilt and expectation.  What do I want to do, right now?

And the first thing I did was go to work.  Of course.  😉  Not because I felt I had to, but because I wanted to.  I looked forward to spending time with coworkers, to enjoying my work for its own sake, to doing something helpful and productive with my physical being…

Then I went for a walk in the woods, spending time with the trees and the animals who shelter and live there.  Only this time, I wasn’t there seeking messages, lessons, or learning, but simply enjoying the beauty of the moment, the sharing of time with Other beings, similar to, but so unlike my self.  It was quite gratifying…

And today…

Several days have passed, and slowly I revert to the “should’s” and “ought to’s” of life…

***

One of my “grandkitties” had to be euthanized two days ago, and I ached all over, for my daughter, her family, and the animal himself.  I know it was the “right” thing to do.  I struggled with what part I should play in that unfolding drama.  I offered myself to my daughter, whatever she needed.  But I understood that she was the “adult in charge,” and the decisions were hers to make.  I respected those boundaries, even when it became obvious she didn’t “need” me at all…  My baby is all grown up now, and I couldn’t be prouder of her, or the way she handled this unexpected tragedy…

But I had to catch myself, more than once, reminding my self that debt-free goes both ways; I may not owe anyone else, but neither do they owe me.  She didn’t need my “help” this time, and she did brilliantly!  There is absolutely nothing I could have said or done to improve that experience; she, quite literally, got the job done in the most compassionate, loving, and responsible way possible.  With no urging or guidance from me…

And it truly came home to me this morning, after two days of “grieving,” that this, also, is part of what it means to live “debt free”…

And being free just took on a whole new dimension for me…

“Blessing or Curse…?”

I have a vivid imagination.  I always have.  Sometimes it is a blessing in my life.  It aids me in all things creative, including my writing.  It enables me to construct whole worlds where I can spend my time; worlds so real to me that their lessons and experiences become part of my daily growth; worlds so real to me, they are often indistinguishable from the one my body inhabits…

Which is where the curse part begins.  Because sometimes, I cannot tell the difference between them.  Sometimes my imagination conjures images and lessons that begin (and belong) “elsewhere,” but they are so vibrantly alive that they begin to take root here, in mundania, in my daily life.  But my daily self is not so well equipped to deal with them, as is my visionary self.  So trouble often follows…

Sometimes I succeed in constructing a fantasy so real to me that I begin to see signs of its manifestation in the “real” world.  But luckily (maybe) I recognize it early enough to deflect it slightly, so that it manifests completely, but for someone else…  The earlier I notice, the better able I am to cast it off, the more likely it will touch someone unknown to me.  But it often returns to me in story form, told by someone else, every detail complete and recognizable.  And sometimes, I barely catch it at all, and must watch it unfold for someone close to me.  And sometimes that is hard to do…

Not because I wish harm on someone else, either, as you might assume from what I’m writing.  It’s not that at all.  My clearest, strongest fantasies are mostly what others fantasize about – comfort, security, love, recognition, success, etc…  And yet they still bring harm to those who “benefit” from them…

I don’t know if I am actually creating these scenarios, or if I merely sense them developing, and transcribe those sensations into a story line that flows and follows.  I don’t know if the impulses that birth these stories are mine or someone else’s.  I don’t know if I am truly casting them off to taint an Other’s journey, or if I merely release them in time to witness to whom they really belong.  And I don’t know if the “consequences” of such success stories are inherent in the stories themselves, or a reflection of my unwillingness to claim them…

What I do know, is that I have recently crossed paths with Others who are “living the Dream” I wanted for myself.  Different versions for different folks, but the details of each are telling.  And yet…

And yet, not one of them seems truly happy or content…

Was I wrong about the things I value?  Are they not the kinds of things that could bring happiness and contentment to me?  Or are they not working out because of some other, unforeseen, reason?

Is it prophecy or manipulation I’m experiencing now?  It’s hard to tell with all that has been happening.  Now that we’ve begun to see the levers and gears that operate behind the curtain of what we call reality.  Now that Time itself has become quite malleable…

What I also know is that this process, which used to work so well for me, no longer serves me, and I have yet to find a replacement.  I used to seek refuge in my fantasies, when the mundane world became too much.  I used to try out different possibilities there, before acting them out myself.  But now…

But now…  I’m never sure which thoughts will play out in the world around me.  Now, when I seek these other realms to explore what options I might have, I find my steps faltering, just as I cross that line…  Now I practice a rigid, impulsive self-control that stops such thoughts before they fully form.  Just in case, you know…

And it feels silly, really, to worry about such things.  I mean, who does that, anyway?  Why concern my self with what has not yet happened, when so much truly is happening now?  And why care if it manifests, especially if it’s happening to someone else?  Especially if it’s a “good” dream I’m making now?

I cannot be responsible for how an’Other lives.  I cannot be responsible for how they use these gifts.  I am not raining curses down upon them, so I have nothing to feel guilty about; all that I have wished for me, and (maybe) cast upon them, is for success, prosperity, comfort, and hope…

And yet the smell of burning flesh still haunts me, and follows me around…

Everywhere.  Every time.  Every day.  My senses reel under its omnipresence.  A memory, or prescience?  Damning either way.  And I am left outside my comfort zone, wondering yet again…

A blessing or a curse…?

 

Change…

I met with an old friend recently.  We’ve been friends since high school, so we know each other pretty well.  She knows my history because she lived it with me, being both target and comfort during the dark days of my youth.  She was also there when recovery began to take place, encouraging and pushing me in equal measure.  We have shared the events of “normal” lives – marriages, births, divorces, deaths, grandchildren, etc.  I would say, with little hesitation, that she is probably the truest reflection of my self that I can find in an Other…

And she asked me the other day, “why don’t you change things?  If you are truly unhappy with the way things are, then change them.”

Good advice.  But how?

“How is not nearly as important right now, as why you refuse to try anything.”  (My words, but capturing the essence of her message to me.)

It was an interesting line of enquiry.  Because if I believe what I say, then change is not only desirable, but necessary.  And if my history is anything to go by (for me alone), then it is also quite possible, and probable, that I could make those changes…

So we looked at all the “reasons why” (read excuses) for me not to change.  Self-sabotage.  Low self-esteem.  Fear.  Laziness.  But while each may have held sway at some time in the past, none truly resonate in the present.  So why don’t I change?

“I think maybe you don’t want to change things,” she suggested to me.

***

A WordPress friend of mine, whom I greatly admire and respect, is frequently (of late anyway) dropping keen reminders to me, though not necessarily personally.  Reminders that we who live on the fringes of society, who have learned to travel in, and manipulate, alternate “realities,” possess the ability to change our circumstances at any time our lives here become unbearable, or untenable.  Do I believe that?  Absolutely!!

So why am I still here?

When I was young, I managed to avoid death even when I didn’t want to.  Multiple times.  So many times, in fact, and under such “miraculous” conditions at times, that it became a running joke that I must be immortal.  Either that, or I was already dead, and this world was the hell I had created for myself.  Either way, I was stuck here for the long haul, waiting for release from the “prison” my body and this life had become…

I’ve run the gamut of excuses this past half century or so, believing each for some period of time.  The most compelling, of course, is the idea that I am here for a specific reason, and that purpose is not yet fulfilled.  How empowering and self-deceptive that excuse can be.  I can convince myself that anything is “justified,” from abuse, to lavish praise, to martyrdom, if I believe there is a cause or purpose I am fulfilling…

But I don’t feel fulfilled these days…

I don’t feel particularly hopeful, either, sensing little “improvement” in the way things are.  And my most recent excuse, that I am here to observe and not interfere, seems rather passive and point-less to count as some noble cause…

So…

What am I to take from these meandering thoughts today?  If change is as inevitable as everybody says, it should be happening with or without my guidance and aid.  And perhaps it is, in small ways anyway.  The sun continues to rise and set, marking the passing of days.  I continue to put one foot in front of the other, regardless of what it costs in pain.  The people and situations around me age and mutate to reflect the passage of time, myself included.

Yet here I remain.  And society ebbs and flows, with no real sign of change occurring (at least not in a positive sense).

And a single refrain from long ago keeps playing in my brain:

“Beyond Time and Space, there is Truth…

Within each Heart, there is Power…

With each Life, there is Hope…

Between the Lessons of History,

and the Promise of Tomorrow,

lie the Meaning and Purpose of Today:

Peace resides where Love reigns.”

(From “The Covenant” – a piece I wrote long ago.  See the whole piece here, if you want.

https://theotherhoodofone.wordpress.com/about/the-covenant )

Time to go to work now…  Because some things never change!

“Living Logos…”

** An old one, but since the topic came up…  😉 **

“Living Logos”

(1990)

Star to star…  Heart to Heart…

One step closer to being a-part.

All we can be…  All we can know…

All we Is, and All we are.

***

Hand to hand…  Soul to soul…

Each to the Other too other to know.

Mind to mind, the truth is One (won)…

The union of Stars, the birth of a Sun!

Cascade… Blocked!

There is an experience I occasionally have that I have affectionately named a “cascade.”  It is a revelatory moment that becomes an epiphany that alters every aspect of my life.  As you may know (if you’ve read more than a post or two here), I tend to explore topics on multiple levels (researching, analyzing, feeling them out), and I tend to explore multiple topics simultaneously, never being content with simple 1+1 kinds of equations.  Sometimes those tendencies lead me into murky places from which I struggle to escape, and other times, they allow me to make connections I might have otherwise missed.

There are rare occasions, however, when the “results” of several such “investigations” suddenly coalesce into a single, blinding moment of revelation, where their connections become apparent, and their implications become immediate and pressing.  The experience is akin to putting together a jigsaw puzzle.  You study several individual pieces carefully, learning the subleties of color, shape and size, pondering how they might fit together.  And then someone hands you the box with the completed picture on it, and you suddenly “get” it, knowing exactly where they belong in the big picture!  And so begins the cascade…

Because as you place those pieces in the puzzle, you are suddenly reminded of other pieces you glanced at but rejected, knowing now, of course, exactly where and how they fit together.  And the more pieces you fit together, the more connections you remember, until the puzzle seems to be constructing itself, and you are only the tool being used to reunite the whole…

What distinguishes a “cascade” from other revelatory experiences for me is the speed and breadth of the discoveries made.  In fact, it doesn’t gain the title until those revelations/connections begin occurring so rapidly that I can no longer consciously follow them; it’s like the neurons in my brain are firing so rapidly, in so many directions at once, that all I can do is sit back and allow the experience to run its course with as little interference as possible.  I know, from past such experiences, that all will be revealed in time.  It might take days, weeks or years for me to fully comprehend the full scope of the changes, but those changes (to my knowledge, personality, and motivations) will be immediate and permanent; the only task being to discover how they have changed.  Until the next cascade occurs…

So…  yesterday.

I set out to explore the world as a newborn child, seeking the wonder and awe of discovery, defying the “rules” of science and society.  But, of course, I had to do grown up things, like go to work.  The miraculous was everywhere, evidenced by moments great and small, and synchronicity ruled the day…

There was, for example, the moment I got “lost” at work.  Trying to get back to my desk, I wandered left instead of right, and found myself standing on the sales floor.  I was annoyed.  Being a bad pain day for me, I had been forced to use my cane at work (which I never, ever do); but it was that, or risk falling, as my hips could not maneuver or carry me without aid.  So I stood there, berating myself for the unnecessary steps I’d now added to my journey, and glanced up, just in time to see a man approaching me.  He looked relieved as he said to me, “oh good!  Maybe you can help me!”

Turns out I could; in fact, I would have been paged out to the floor for that express purpose had he encountered another staff member first.  Our staff is well versed on many different crafts and hobbies, but we each possess our particular areas of expertise.  If our customers require knowledge or input from an “expert,” we will page that person, assuring our customers get the best information we can provide at this time.  This man had questions, and needed demonstrations from one of my expert fields.  Had I made it to my desk, I would have had to backtrack to meet with him anyway…

Then there was the moment my boss apologized to me for snapping at me, though he was angry about something else…  It’s not unusual for him to do so, if there is a genuine confusion about why he snapped; my boss is actually quite “human” in that regard (lol!).  What made this different was that I understood in the moment that his frustration wasn’t directed at me, and I felt the same way; it didn’t occur to me to take it personally.  I was so shocked (and pleased) by his apology, that all I could think of to say in response was, “thank you for acknowledging that.”  And I meant it…

Then came last break (4pm), and the overwhelming compulsion to contact a friend I hadn’t seen in a while and invite her to dinner.  Bear in mind, that I didn’t want to go anywhere after work; I just wanted to be done.  But bless her for agreeing to meet me, and for naming the meeting place as the place I vaguely wanted to go.  And so dinner plans were made at the last minute (meeting at 6:30).

I was late getting out of work, and so knew I’d be late arriving, but I headed out anyway, pulling into the restaurant at the precise moment my car clock turned over to 6:30.  How I got across town, through all that traffic and traffic lights in 10 minutes remains a mystery; I suppose that falls under the “defying science” header.  A pleasant dinner ensued, presented by a pleasant server we’d never encountered there before.  Of course, we don’t usually go there on Mondays.  (As it turns out, he doesn’t usually work Mondays, either, being called in at the last minute to begin his shift at 6pm)…

As dinner progressed, we discovered more and more about our young server, and much of it was what we had in common.  Turns out he was feeling a bit lost these days, and felt he was missing some vital “connection” that he didn’t know where to begin looking for.  As the three of us began finishing each others’ sentences and thoughts, I understood exactly why we had all gathered; synchronicity at its best.  (This, by the way, was exactly how I met the friend I was dining with, as I was “led” into the shop she worked in, on a whim, exactly one year ago this week.)

I felt the cascade beginning, as we began tripping over each other with each new connection snapping into place.  I mentioned it to my friend, when our server needed to walk away for a moment, suggesting we should leave before it developed further.  And though we have never discussed what a “cascade” is, nor ever used that terminology in any other context, she knew exactly what I was talking about and agreed.  We tried to leave.  We did.  But we did not succeed, at least not yet…

* Flashback: (a necessary evil to explain what happens next).  Earlier that morning, I received a random message (while brushing my teeth… lol!).  A voice, clear as day, told me “all you are missing now is the Knight and King of Wands” (Tarot cards, for those unfamiliar with the terms.)  I actually laughed at the time, asking impishly if my purpose now was to create my own deck; then quickly dismissed it as irrelevant in the moment.

* Flash Foward:  My friend and I are standing in the restaurant, and I’m trying desperately to get us out of there, going so far as to lay hands upon her to encourage her to move, but stopping short of actually dragging her out.  Cascades are overwhelming enough, when experienced alone, but when shared with Others…  Let’s just say a public place where one of us is actually on the clock, is not really the best place to experience it.  And the urge to escape was strangling me…

Suddenly I turned around and said to them, “I don’t know who this applies to, but I sense the Chariot strongly around us” (another Tarot card).  My friend started to interpret that, while our new friend looked me dead in the eye and said, “interesting.  I was just told my card is the King of Wands.”

I turned and walked away without response, paying our bill and leaving as quickly as possible.  (For the record, we had already exchanged contact info, so we could all reconnect at a later time.)

I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t think.  I couldn’t focus on anything.  “I’m in shock,” I told myself, as I struggled to focus enough to drive home.  I fully expected the cascade to continue once I was safely alone, at home.  But it did not.  Nor has it since.  And all I have is the feeling of pressure, the knowing that it must complete, even if I don’t know when or how it will occur…

And the message for those of you who followed this story to its current resting point is this:  open defiance is an opportunity the Universe cannot resist responding to, as it will almost always rise to whatever challenge you place before it…

Or, in more common vernacular, be careful what you pray for because you might just get it!

Flights of Fancy…

Dreams…  Fantasies…  Illusions…  Visions…

Hallucinations…

So many variations on a theme, yet a consistent one nonetheless.  For all name experiences we have alone, that we cannot share with Others except through words, art, music… Communication of some sort.

I was at work last night, and there was a quiet moment when I could actually hear the “retail-acceptable” radio station playing in the background.  For some reason, I tuned it in and actually listened for a change, and what I heard was this: “the brain can’t tell the difference between reality and imagination, so it responds to all stimuli as though it were actually happening.”  (The DJ was discussing why creative visualization works, apparently.)  It was an interesting point, and one that tagged into several different exploratory thought trips I’ve been taking lately…

Like how is it possible to know something (with certainty) your entire life, only to discover you’ve actually been wrong?  And how does that change things for you, when it’s so much a part of your “foundational” knowledge?

Or how do you distinguish between hallucinations and reality?  Especially if you’ve developed a tendency (strong and growing stronger) to experience things out of order in time?

Or, for that matter, how do you know whether such “out of time” phenomena are memory, visionary or illusory?

Or how can you use that power of imagination, and the brain’s inability to distinguish mere thought from reality, to create actual change in the physical universe?

(Yes, I actually do spend quite a bit of time thinking of these kinds of things…  🙂  )

I watched a tv show recently that dealt with these themes.  (I won’t mention the name to avoid any spoilers.)  The characters were at a workshop, and the teacher was trying to convince them they could change anything in the world with the power of their mind and will.  The students stared at a white wall, while the speaker encouraged them to change its color to whatever they wanted it to be.  With joyous enthusiasm, they shouted out their colors, revelling in this newfound power of mind, while the camera shifted between their rapturous faces and the still-white wall.  One “doubter” among them never saw anything “for real” except that white wall, and he was disturbed enough by that to question his entire faith…

Which kind of brings me to my point in a roundabout sort of way…

A recent discussion with a friend and fellow seeker led me back to the theory vs. practice dichotomy that has haunted my entire life.  For I believe in the power of mind to alter reality; I have experienced it first-hand.  Being schizophrenic allowed me to live this dichotomy in a very personal way, every day, as I traversed the bridge between things of my world, and things of the world.  And as a writer, I know that all things creative – words, art, music, dance – do actually change the world I live in, both in my own personal reality, and in the reality I share with Others.

But when someone succeeds in creating a miracle, it “feels” different.  It is the difference between altering how one perceives the world, and actually altering what there is to perceive in the world.  And the two are not the same…

So today I ponder those differences, and look for ways to make One into an’Other, and vice versa.  I seek a deeper understanding of a dichotomy that cannot truly exist, except in my mind.  For creation is creation, and change is change, and there should be no great leap required (of faith or logic) to span the distance between theory and practice.  And if there were ever a time when actual miracles were needed, I think this time certainly qualifies…

** stretching my wings **

Yep…  I think it’s time for me to fly…