Poetry, Reflections

“Abandoned!…”

Tossed to the roadside

left to die…

Like garbage from another time.

Pushed aside, out of sight

out of mind…

Irrelevant am I…

So who am I?

Who am I you left to die?

Who am I you pushed aside?

Who am I?

You decide…

Am I pride, dignity, or hope?

Trust or faith?

Reason, responsibility, humility perhaps?

Conscience, purpose, or justice?

For all of these are now abandoned,

drained of their power to motivate

and empower…

What then is left?

So… who am I, left here to die?

Whose relevancy has been pushed aside?

You decide…

Am I humanity,

and the planet on which we reside?

Or am I greed,

and the system on which it relies?

You decide…

Knowing no answer is an answer this time…

For abandonment is an action,

passive or aggressive,

the results will be the tide

that wipes away our history…

Tossed to the roadside

left to die

the garbage from another time…

 

 

 

Advertisements
Standard
Reflections

Questioning my Self…

If I inhabit a reality of my own creation, which I truly believe I do (at least intellectually), why have I not created a more beautiful place to live?

Where is the love? The justice? The sense of equality that I would expect from me?  Why are we all still suffering?  In misery?

Do I truly need continuing lessons on compassion?  Or is it detachment I’m working on?

I feel sad…  So sad.  I’m not depressed; just sad.  I look around me every day and take note of all the suffering taking place, my own included.  I acknowledge that life isn’t fair, and changes are upon us, and that each and every being I encounter these days is struggling with something of significance to them.  We are facing our deepest “issues,” whatever they might be – financial, health, purpose, faith, loss, grief, codependency, addiction, relationships, career, etc…  And it is no longer enough to compare apples and oranges to find “relief”…

I take no comfort in saying “at least I’m not dealing with [that] today!”  Or “thank Goodness my crisis is only financial!”  I don’t need to compare my suffering to others to find gratitude today; I am well aware of how loved and lucky I am…

But that does not diminish my “suffering” today, for my financial insecurity is the one “issue” which I have never satisfactorily resolved; it has always haunted me, and it continues to do so.  To minimize its impact on me, and the way I live my life is a disservice to my Self…

But yes, there are many, many others who are suffering much more than I am, within their own personal hells…  And I don’t need to minimize or overstate their suffering, either, in an attempt to balance scales.  I simply accept that we are all suffering, and this world we share truly is hell!

So…

Why?  I ask my Self, “why?!”  For when I cannot “solve” a problem, I seek to understand instead.  My powerful Self could create a “happier” place, at least for me.  Why haven’t I done so?

I need to know…

Standard
Reflections, Visions

Answering “the Call”…

BRRRRRIIINNNNNNGGG… BRRRRRIIINNNNNNGGG…

“Hello?”

Hello?!  Can you hear me?

“Yes, I can hear you.  Who is this?”

“Doesn’t matter right now.  Just listen…  Carefully…  To what I’m about to say.”

“Okay.”

“Tread cautiously today…  Watch your steps…  Place each one consciously, paying particular attention to what you are stepping on…”

“Good advice, I guess.  Always.  But is there something specific I should be focusing on?”

“Beware of open doors and planned deceptions; misperceptions are everywhere!”

“Ok, now you’re just starting to sound paranoid…”

“Shhhh!!…  Listen!…  Just listen!”

Standard
Reflections, Visions

“Emma May and Other Stray… Thoughts?”

So…  I’m waking up this morning, knowing that I dreamt, though not having any memory of what that might have been.  It happens that way sometimes – a sense of activity, a stimulated mind, an awareness of thoughts that have failed to stay…

I’m sipping my first cup of coffee, not really focused on anything at all.  And I feel myself slipping into that sacred place, between realms, between worlds, where realities collide and embrace…

I find myself having a conversation, though I have no idea with whom; doesn’t really matter, I guess, or their identity would show through.  I hear myself saying, “Emma May has gotten sooo huge!…”

Yes, I hear that ellipsis ringing in my head; “dot, dot, dot,” like a bell tolling someplace…  It tells me that everything important has been said; everything else in the conversation is extraneous.  Great!  Focus.  Except…

I have no idea who Emma May might be…

“Interesting…,” I think, out loud, maybe.  “But why,” I can’t help wondering?

“Why would that intrigue me at all?”

Because that’s my brain these days, in quiet moments anyway.  Skipping off to who knows where to engage in pointless, mundane conversations with people I don’t know, about topics I’m completely unfamiliar with…  And yet…  It feels so normal!

The trees speak to me as well, when I pass by them on the trail.  Sometimes, lately, they come to me, bringing pictures of a typical day… for them.  I love those visits, when they occur, because they’re less demanding than the human ones.  Yes, it’s true, the trees want something from me, but often it amounts to nothing more than company; I “hear” them, and so they “speak” to me.  Simple, straightforward, honest, and real…

Ahh…  “real”!  I knew there was a point here somewhere.  And now I know…

And a picture drifts across my slowly enlightening mind, while early morning sunshine begins brightening the world outside.  I see a title, complete with quotes…

“Emma May and Other Stray… Thoughts?”

Ahhh, yes.  There you are!  Welcome to my… Reality?  Insanity?  Awareness?  Inanity?

Let me be your bridge today, to that sacred place between.  Where anything can happen.  And very often does.  Where none of it may mean a thing, or All of it may mean something…

You decide…

Standard
Reflections, Visions

The Axis of “Power”…

No, this is not a political post; sorry to disappoint you.  It is about my favorite topic – reality and its creation and manifestation.  (In spite of the variety my posts display in form, they nonetheless remain essentially true to topic, after all… lol!)

Today I’ve had another epiphany, and one I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit to.  Not because it’s an embarrassing topic, but because it’s so simple.  I’ve tripped over it so many times before, I don’t even notice it anymore.  I’ve received confirmation, validation and reminders from sources too numerous to recall and/or credit.  I’ve known this all along, and yet it feels new to me somehow.  That’s the embarrassing part, but the truth is often humbling, I’ve found…

So, here’s the deal…

In looking to “change” my reality, to create an outer world that reflects my inner desire, I have looked for ways to project my creative visions into the world I live in.  I “see” it happening.  I “believe” it will.  And sometimes it actually does!  Easy to use such validation to reinforce such methods…

The problem, of course, or perhaps better to call it the challenge, is a lack of consistency.  It doesn’t always work.  And that creates doubt.  Doubt is a block against manifestation.  Thus a self-defeating pattern/cycle emerges…

But all of that stems from the misguided belief that I am a human trying to develop a working spiritual practice or power.  All of that visualization, projection, validation (or lack thereof),  is done on a purely horizontal level!  Done within the confines of this particular (small) self I identify with most closely; the self writing this blog today.  But that self is such a small part of who I truly am, that it is almost (though not) inconsequential!

Many, many years ago (decades now, if you can believe it!) I had a vision of “reality” I called the Figure-8 Cross.  It taught me that for every paradox we encounter in the search for Truth, there is a solution, if you are willing to follow a path perpendicular to the first path.  But that new path you’ve taken is itself a paradox, resolvable only by the first paradox.  From the center point (where the paths intersect), you can see how they interact, but you cannot alter them; while travelling along either path, you cannot see how it interacts with Others, but you can manipulate it.  Figuring out how to use that info has proven daunting, troublesome, and frustrating…

Which brings us to today…

When suddenly I see the cross again, but it is the perpendicular relationship that catches my eye this time.  The actual “power” (to escape the paradox, or to manifest change) comes not from the horizontal plane, but from the vertical one!  And it matters not which plane you are currently oriented toward, as the Other always remains vertical (perpendicular) in relation to it!

So…

The “answer” literally does “come from above.”  Things literally do manifest according to the axiom “as above, so below.”  But that “above” is actually Me – my Universal Being – that I am only Now beginning to truly recognize…

(I will allow myself one simple “uh duh!” here in acknowledgement of my stubborn resistance to letting go of my ego… lol!)

This is not earth shattering, new, improved, exciting, self-help guru kind of stuff; this is simple fact, known by countless Others through many generations, expressing it in many forms.  But this is me, finally grasping yet another fractured, obscured part of Me.  And that is the accomplishment I choose to accept…

***     ***     ***

The most recent vision that has been haunting my waking moments is of a group of people standing around the edge of an empty swimming pool, holding hands.  No, the pool isn’t actually empty, I suppose, as it is full of people rather than water.  We, of the “circle” above, are watching those Others milling about in the empty pool, bumping into one another, causing friction.  Every once in a while such jostling leads to conflict, which quickly spreads through the crowd below, as they cannot move without stepping on each other.  The crowd in the pool grows agitated, sensing perhaps that they have outgrown their space, that there is no escape.  That something “awful” may be about to erupt among them…

Those of us above the pool want to help, but we don’t know how.  We try yelling at those below, pointing out that there is a shallow end much easier to climb out of.  Some seem to vaguely “hear” us, but that slow migration not only causes friction with those they pass, but also increases the crowd in the shallow end, making it more difficult for them to maneuver there.  The way out seems totally blocked.

So, some of us above try reaching down into the pool to “rescue” certain Others.  But that, of course, puts us at risk of falling in ourselves.  I have, in fact, witnessed more than one brave “rescuer” get dragged into the fray; once there, they struggle like the others to free themselves…

What I “see” now is that those Others gathered around the pool are all “me’s,” in their own rights, which makes them actually Me.  As are those below us, milling about in the empty pool.  I am so caught up in trying horizontal approaches to “reach” and “aid” them, that I totally miss the truly verticle approach.  (Reaching for them down below seems verticle, but it still rests on creating a horizontal connection; in essence, I am stepping off one axis to “reach” for the Other.)  My eyes are drawn to the skies above me…

And so it begins to rain…

And the water begins to collect in the pool…

And the crowds there begin to panic…

And those gathered around it become “concerned”…

And I can only smile…

***     ***     ***

You may now return to your regularly scheduled rants about political powers.  Or was it political rants about power?

Whatever…  ;D

 

Standard
Essay, Reflections

A Question of Competence… or is it Commitment?

I notice these days that there are a lot of people out there “selling” belief.  I get inundated every day with emails and ads, suggestions for how to improve every aspect of my life through holistic healing, energy work, prayer, divination, spirit guidance, contemplation practices and fitness regimes.  Everyone has an angle that they guarantee will work for me.

But I’m not sure I agree…  Why?

Why can’t I embrace any of these techniques?  Why can’t I even bring myself to try them out?  Clearly my life needs healing in so many ways, and I’ve always been open to both mainstream and alternative means.  Non-judgmental.  Yep, that’s me…

Or is it?  Because I find myself discounting these believers and teachers without even attempting to test their theories.  I find myself hitting “delete” without even listening to their spiel.  Is it just a question of competency?

To be sure, times have definitely changed.  I remember, not so long ago, when “experts” in any field were judged by the length of time they had invested in an area of study, as well as by the efficacy of their results.  Anyone new to a particular field had to “earn” their stripes, so to speak.

But in this digital era of instant gratification, and You Tube, everyone becomes an “expert” by saying they are, and by earning a “following.”  An interested party does an internet search on their topic, then chooses what site(s) to visit, or what videos to watch, not so much by researching qualifications, but by the number of “hits” or “followers” that “teacher” has.  “Mob rules” defined and practiced…

But I’ve never really been a follower type, preferring to take someone’s idea or theory and research it on my own.  Always looking for flaws in reasoning or data, critical in my assessments, judging what part(s) appear to work, or not, for me.  Self-defined reality…

And I can’t honestly state which path is “better” or makes more sense in the end, because both ways have their pros and cons.  Self-definition provides flexibility and adaptability to any path or belief system, but it also prevents any commitment or benefits of dedicated practice; you basically believe or do what you want, while discarding the rest, and that rarely leads to deep knowledge or wisdom.  But mob rule, while clearly directing your practice and belief, without requiring deep contemplation, also requires you to accept a whole lot of stuff you might not normally agree with; much harm has been perpetrated by those following a path too strictly, without regard for how it may affect the lives of others…

Hmm…

I know that in these tumultuous times people are desperate for something hopeful to believe in.  I know everyone wants to feel empowered, capable and competent.  We no longer believe in the “system” to provide for our needs consistently and competently, and we are correct in questioning it; the society we knew and trusted is collapsing around us.  So spirituality has become big business, and gurus are hawking every corner.  And many are providing (and feeling) some relief.  That’s good, right?

Too bad it doesn’t feel that way.  At least to me…

I have been asked twice in the last week or so, to offer my advice/guidance in a public setting; to “teach” on topics I used to be well versed in and confident to teach.  I have refused both opportunities, claiming “incompetence” as my excuse.  I no longer feel “qualified” to offer advice, even on those topics in which I was formerly an “expert,” recognized by both “time in” and “results of.”  And I find the whole situation rather amusing; but then, I’ve always had a twisted perception of reality, and a great appreciation for irony.

The bottom line for me today is that I no longer know what is “real” or not, or what is worthy of believing anymore.  My daily life is so overrun with time inconsistencies, and “bleed-through” from other realities, that I feel like it’s one continuous, unsubstantial, channel surfing adventure.  It’s like being on one of those rides at Disney World, where you sit in a little car that takes you through different scenes, changing rapidly, each trying to capture your imagination and “feel” real, while a part of you remains focused on the hard plastic seat you’re sitting on, and the wealth of darkness framing every scene.  You want to throw yourself into it, to wholly embrace the vision before you, but that seat is so uncomfortable, and the people behind you won’t stop talking, and your stomach is growling (oh, did I forget to eat again today?), and…  well, you get the drift.

I had a dream recently…

In the dream I was one of a half dozen people or so invited to attend a special retreat.  At that retreat we were to be trained on how to “pray” for others, and to teach them how to pray for themselves.  In this case, though, “prayer” referred to the actual practice of miracles; in other words, we would be taught how to manifest real change in the world, and how to pass that skill to others.

At first, I was excited, but then the doubt set in.  I knew that these prayers (this technique) came from a tradition I was familiar with, but not a follower of.  I began questioning whether I had a “right” to attend, coming as I was from curiosity rather than belief.  I found myself speaking about my concerns to a friend I know in real life.  We do not “believe” the same, but we share a mutual respect for each other that often allows us to discuss ethical or moral concerns, and actually learn from each others’ perspective.  When I finished explaining the situation to him (in the dream), he grew very stern, pointed his finger at me accusingly, and said, quite seriously, “you better make damn sure you can commit to this, Lisa, before you go; otherwise, don’t go!”  His whole demeanor spoke of dire warning, as though this were not some trifling matter, which is very unlike him in real life.  I woke, telling myself I’d better test my commitment to this path before attending the retreat…

When I shared this dream with him in real life, he pointed out my use of present tense in the waking world (as in “I’d better be sure before attending…”).  I started to say that it was just a grammar/language error, then stopped myself.  He laughed, quick to catch that, as we both know how careful I am with words in the real world.  I believe our language affects our reality, so I am meticulous about saying what I mean, and meaning what I say.  So there is no room for such a “slip of the tongue” in my world, especially when speaking to him; he will call me on any bullshit he hears…

So…

It’s not really a question of competency plaguing me, I think, but one of commitment.  I know I could learn these “techniques,” whatever they are; I’m basically intelligent, well studied, and own a long tradition of learning and practicing competently.  I am a born teacher.  But I am hesitating, even knowing that such “techniques” may bring actual relief…  Why?

Because I am reluctant to commit to any particular path these days.  I am thoroughly enjoying the free flowing nature of my reality these days.  Because I do not want to be restricted by rules or expectations if something new and more appealing reveals itself to me.  Because I do not want to accept responsibility…

Ahh…  That’s it, then, isn’t it?

Commitment comes with responsibility, and I do not want that in my life.  I do not want to be responsible for others, to be held accountable for what they do with any knowledge (complete or not) they may gain from our interaction.  And that’s what’s missing in the wealth of big business based spirituality, too.  No one wants to be responsible.  No one wants to be held accountable for the “wrongs” committed by their beliefs and believers.  And while I have always believed that people should be held accountable for their own actions, rather than blaming their past or their preacher/teacher, I recognize that there is a line marking where such independence becomes hypocrisy. Because some people truly do influence others who want to be influenced, and we do become at least partially responsible for anything they do “in our name”…

Could I actually learn to change the world?  Could I make it a better place? Could I then competently teach others to do the same?

Can I wholeheartedly commit to finding out?

That is the question, isn’t it?

 

Standard