About the Otherhood, Conversations

Q & A: The Experience of Otherhood

The following questions were asked by Jerry (rawgod) as part of a comment on another post.  They are insightful and involved, and so I thought they should be addressed in their own post.  Please feel free to jump into the conversation if you are so inclined.  😀

The questions themselves have to do with my experiences with my Others, and the Center Space where we can meet and converse as others, while still retaining an identity of being…

 
Q: “1) Do you really identify with more than one ego at a time, or when you switch egos do you do that instanstaneously and completely? I guess what I am asking, when you are acting as Prime Personality, then suddenly switch to Personality B, are you still aware of being Prime Personality, or is the switch total, and Prime Personality does not exist anymore?”

A:  The simple answer to this question is that I retain a single ego, regardless of which personality I am experiencing.  I like the way you differentiate between Prime and Personality B, etc., as it truly captures the essence of what it’s like, so I’m going to use that framework to discuss this.

So I will immerse my consciousness in B’s life, but still feel, react and be Me (Prime), which requires a certain period of adjustment each time I visit.  I will remember Prime’s (Lisa’s) memories, morality, etc. throughout my “time” there, but I will also have access to B’s memories, morality, etc.  More often than not, I am drawn into B’s life during a significant period, and “I” (we) will use our combined wisdom to navigate the situations that arise…

What makes it interesting is that while I have not bodily crossed over into that timeline (not for lack of trying, I assure you! Lol!), I still experience everything as “real.” Every sensation, every feeling, every lesson learned becomes a part of Prime’s experience as well.  The only noticeable difference is the way time operates, as Prime is able to skip around more easily within B’s life history, seeking memories (with added realism) that might be needed to proceed in B’s current time…

 
Q: “2) From what I read, Prime Personality has at least some memory of being Other personalities, but there is no direct connection between them. People with Multiple Personalities can supposedly switch from one personality to another under certain situations or stressors. Can you do this?”

A: Are you asking if I can consciously immerse myself in an Other’s life?  Sometimes, yes, but I wouldn’t say it happens always “at will.”  In fact, the mechanism that used to allow me such complete immersion seems to have been broken for the last decade or so.  I have been able to look in, but I have not been able to actually visit.  Instead, we often meet in some neutral location and converse like real people; all the posts on my blog tagged or categorized as “conversations” are “real” experiences I’ve had with the others.

And no, I do not have multiple personality disorder (MPD).  MPD’s usually “become” alternates in their current life (timeline), while I “travel” to the Others’ lives to experience being them.  While they may be perceived as MPD because Prime claims dominance there, I retain memories, traits and characteristics of both.

To be fair, though, there is definitely a sharing going on.  Traits usually associated with B will become apparent in Prime’s life when we are in close contact, and since some of the Other’s are very different from me, it can be quite noticeable.  It explains why MPD was originally considered a possible diagnosis that was quickly ruled out; straight up schizophrenia won the title in the end.

What is important to acknowledge is the place of ego in this exchange.  Because there is a central being expressing itself in different forms, there is a consistency of experience across all timelines, a root or baseline that learns and adjusts (changes), while still remaining “the same.”  Simultaneous co-existence without contradiction.

 
Q: “3) When you do make a switch, from say Prime to B, is there any loss of time for Prime when you switch back?”

A: Yes.  Definitely.  But it’s hard to explain or define, because my body (Prime) continues to live my life while I am out being the Others.  Basically it means that when I return consciously to my life, I have some “catching up” to do, and some time that will never be recovered.  I usually am confronted multiple times after returning about things I don’t remember at all – conversations had, plans made, incidents that occurred, etc.  People are mad at me and I have no understanding why.  Or I missed work and didn’t call in.  Or I had some “meaningful” encounter with someone who I will not even recognize next time we meet.  You get the idea…

It was one of the things I had to learn to cope with, as it made me extremely vulnerable.  Admitting I wasn’t “here” was not an acceptable excuse, but it did give others an opportunity to make stuff up which I could neither confirm nor deny.  I learned to “play it cool,” look for clues, and my journals became critical for piecing together the jumbled timelines.  Eventually it was a practice the Others adopted to make the transitions easier on all of us…

 

Q: “4) This one is hard for me to comprehend or properly ask (presuming that the answer to question 3 is negative as I believe it must be) but what happens during the lives of personalities B, C, D, Etc while you are living as Prime? Surely their lives do not stop happening? So, obvious question, based on above scenarios being correct:
4a) Do these sub-personalities have their own egos while YOU are not with them? If Yes, do you then share the ego? Or, if no, what happens to the sub-egos while you are controlling their minds? And how do they feel about it, if they know about it? (Actually, this last question seems to be very similar to part of Question 1, so you may have already answered it. If so, no need to repeat. But is there is a difference you can see, I would love to hear it. Thanks.)”

A: Ok, I’m going to try to tackle this one as a whole…

Each of us is living a life, complete, coherent, unique in time and space.  What happens during the “visits” is that Prime (Lisa) steps into an’Other’s life, and lives it for a while.  The Other is there, or sometimes not, but their personality, memories, sensations, talents, are all accessible to me (Prime), yet somehow foreign.  I am actually me being them, and so influencing their lives.  Where they go or how they feel about my intrusion is unknown to me.  Only when we meet in conversation do we interact as other, rather than as one.

Have they occasionally visited me?  Yes! And that is something I rarely talk about.  But in the beginning, when this first started happening for me, it was almost always the other way around; they came and lived my life for a while.

While they were here, I was merely an observer in my life, sitting back to see what they would do.  Sometimes I cheered them on, knowing they were doing for me what I could not do for myself.  Other times I fought them, fearing the damage they would undoubtedly cause.  Because the decisions they made, the interactions they had while here created real consequences that Lisa would have to deal with when they left.

Eventually Lisa learned enough engaging with less linear forms of self to be able to “control” the process, more or less.  I’m not sure how to explain that really, other than compare it to installing a one-way door; I could get to them directly, but they could not then get to me without invitation.  It was at that point that Lisa likely became Prime; not because my life is more important or significant, but because my understanding of the process gained me more control over it.

***     ***     ***

And this, then, is why I have procrastinated so long in answering these questions.  Because in the beginning Lisa was not Prime at all!  There was an’Other who ripped me from my timeline when I was 9 or 10 years old.  She was much older than me (an adult), and she taught me much about life I might have preferred not to know.  Sometimes she came to me and simply messed with my life, forcing me to clean it up and learn as I did so.  Other times she took me to her own life, living out various scenarios that would later impact directly on my timeline.  But she was always in control of the process…

As a teenager, I started to resist her, alternately “loving” her for her honesty and “hating” her for her brutality in communicating it.  I used a variety of techniques (drugs, alcohol, sex, meditation, etc) to try and gain the upper hand in our interactions.  Ultimately those techniques failed because I could not control myself much less her.  Once I set aside drugs and alcohol, the scales began to balance, and with adulthood (and the wisdom it brought), I sought to understand the process itself.  That’s when it began to tip in my favor…

As an adult, I better understood the “teaching” she had tried to impart, and I used the clarity gained in sobriety to explore the implications.  I began to see her more as “human,” with faults, frailties, and baggage, rather than super-human as my child self had assumed.  I started to see her as a peer, an equal.  And then I took on the gargantuan task of “capturing” our interaction…

As I mentioned before, I wrote a book about it (a couple actually), although one was simply a “recording” of our transitions.  In that book, I consciously stepped into her life (by my choice) and recorded what occurred there.  Through that process I learned just how “damaged” her personality was, forever stripping her of super-human status in my mind.  I also encountered another self entirely whom I had never met before, who taught me directly about Time, Space and Movement (Change), thus explaining how these interactions were possible at all.  That self also brought me home to Center, where interactions could occur without co-opting each Others’ lives.

And that is when Lisa became Prime…

That book is available in digital format (free) if you want a copy.  I can email it to you if you are interested.  My understanding (though I remain technology challenged) is that it is a PDF file, and not any e-book format.

Hopefully, these answers are sufficient, and will ennable us to continue discussing this and related topics.

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Conversations, Reflections

“Shhh…”

There is a woman in the distance, who sometimes appears to me.  And though I do not know her, she seems remarkably familiar.  Always standing far away, passing my periphery, I have never yet succeeded in getting her to speak to me…

These last few days, she reappeared, standing to the side.  Watching, but not speaking, interested but not engaged in what is happening to me.  I’ve reached out, repeatedly, seeking counsel from this source, suspecting she is from a timeline I haven’t yet explored.  Everything about her manner suggests her time is not mine yet, and that is precisely why she avoids direct contact…

But with this sense of something looming, and the messages of gathering memories not yet lived, her presence reinforces the convergence of something big.  Time collapsing in upon itself, veils being lifted, glimpses of both past and future residing side by side…

Am I obsessed?  Of course I am!  Driven to understand.  Looking for a reasonable means to end this pointless charade.  Time may own the arena, but time-less are the actors who create the staged production.  And using time to cast the changes is only as productive as the goal that frames and guides the changers…

So…

Today, in that Other Space, pulled there without conscious intent, the maiden made a point of brushing by.  Close enough to touch my arm gently, as she pushed me carefully aside, she whispered softly as she did so, planting this message in my mind:

The urge to speak is strong now, the need felt urgently.  But Silence is our ally, so please just wait and see…

And just like that, she was gone again, as though she never existed at all.  And I was here, where I belong, waiting impatiently…

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Reflections

The Chill…

I have a chill inside my body I simply cannot shake.  No matter how many layers I don, or blankets I snuggle into, the chill remains…

It reminds me of the coldness of space, the emptiness of all that lies between the atoms of matter, and the consciousness of being.  And I cannot shake it free…

I reach for something warm, familiar, to hold close to my heart, hoping, as always, to feel once more as though I am a part.  Of something grander and more meaningful than just myself.

But still the chill remains…

Outsmarting all my efforts to push it or turn it away…

Is this just my way of telling me that I prefer to stay enslaved?

Now that’s a chilling thought!

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