Reflections, Visions

Off the Rails…

I close my eyes and chaos reigns. Objects, like thoughts, flying in all directions at once. Little spirals of change and corruption, like dust devils, spinning out of control, starting with me and sliding away.

And I am also moving, aboard my little animated train. Not afraid, not anxious at all. “Just hold on, Lisa,” I tell myself. “This, too, shall pass.”

So I focus in more deeply on the swirling thoughts and objects, seeking to identify as many as possible before they are gone. But they are fast as pixies and just as sly, layering over one another before any become clear.

Just glimpses of faces. And places. Of movement and stillness. Of joy and sorrow, anger and forgiveness. My train has become a roller coaster ride… But the images are relentless, flying around, now with the weight of cars behind them. Each significant enough to warrant recognition, but moving away more quickly than my conscious mind can grasp.

I withdraw my focus, pulling back, to better see the chaos from a distance. And there goes my train car, chugging along, but oddly having no track to follow. And all about, strewn in my wake, a litter of vehicles tossed and tumbled, as though a great wind just juggled them all…

I smile. No track means no one is directing this trip, controlling where it goes. I am free of normal time and space, at least for a little while. And the tumbled tokens in my wake are proof that all of it is real, even if I haven’t figured that part out yet…

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Reflections

Bursting Bubbles…

There is a post I recently read that touched me. Deeply. I don’t know why, or how, other than the fact that the topic has been on my mind a lot of late. I’ve reread it multiple times, and still can not form a “proper” response to it. But in contemplating it, my mind has wandered down many seemingly unrelated paths. This post attempts to document that meandering journey, while the link that follows credits the impetus for taking it:

https://spiritandworld.com/2018/10/27/what-is-healing/

*** *** ***

I had a dream the other day, after reading this post on healing. In it I possessed (was given or found) a piece of Ocean Jasper. It is a variety of jasper I’d never even heard of, which I noted in my dream, but it was beautiful; greens and blues and whites, with bubbles everywhere, both actual and bisected (like little bullseyes all around). I was so mesmerized by this stone that I immediately looked it up upon wakening to see if it was a real thing. Turns out it is…

So, off to the gem show I went this weekend (luckily there was a gem and mineral show in town this weekend), daughter and grandkids in tow. I spoke to a vendor about Ocean Jasper, and he knew exactly what I was looking for. He told me it was hard to come by these days, and becoming rarer, as the mines in Madagascar are pretty much tapped out. But he had a chunk at home he could cut for me, and only $75-80 for a decent sized cabochen. I don’t have that kind of disposable income. Disappointed, I took his card anyway, in case by some unforeseen miracle, an extra $100 dropped into my life one day… And off we went to enjoy the rest of the show…

We saw hundreds of rocks. We “ooo’d” and “ahhh’d” over many of them. We looked for samples to add to my grandson’s collection. He learned to sluice, gathering some small, unusual bits he’d “earned.” We talked about taking a trip to Herkimer, about mining our own, and spoke to a knowledgable and patient vendor about the process. My daughter developed an unusual attraction to jasper, being drawn to its many varieties wherever we went; apparently there are many (MANY!) varieties of jasper. As the day drew to a close and the announcements began the final countdown, we visited one last vendor to let the kids choose a stone they felt most attracted to.

After going 3/4 of the way around an immense display of hundreds of varieties of stones, my daughter softly called my name. And there it sat, in a tiny basket with two other stones that looked nothing like it, label almost obscured: Ocean Jasper. Not just any ocean jasper, but THE ocean jasper, straight out of my dream. $5 later I left with a pocket full of dreams. Literally!

*** *** ***

I have been trying to “heal” my self, to become whole and healthy once more. I know it is possible, I believe it is necessary. Not that I should not suffer physical discomforts as all of us must, but because there is something else in that process to “prove.” I don’t know what that is, because I haven’t yet succeeded in accomplishing it. But I am driven to continue trying.

I understand the words used when others describe the process. I “get” the logic (both rational and intuitive) behind it. “It” all makes perfect sense to me…

But still I do not heal. In fact, I seem to be getting worse rather than better. And I do not understand why?! That part does not make sense to me. I am clearly missing something, some vital link, and I cannot determine what it is!

*** *** ***

I have a few sites I visit on the internet fairly regularly. Some are news sites, though I visit them less and less frequently these days as I begin to more fully embrace the “head in the sand” form of reality awareness. Many are blogs or sites where personal and spiritual evolution are discussed or promoted. I go there looking for inspiration, ideas, anything that can spur me forward on my journey.

But lately I find I cannot access those sites. I still get emails from them, every day, but when I click on the email, it doesn’t load. If I try to circumvent the email and go directly to the site itself, it doesn’t load. Hmm…

I thought at first it was my phone, until I realized it was only certain things that wouldn’t work. Then I thought maybe it was the individual sites themselves. I briefly considered a conspiracy-censorship tale, until it occurred to me that the sites were so random and often unrelated (including my own workplace blogs/groups in which I am an administrator!) that were now unavailable to me. In fact, the only thing these sites share in common is that I look to them for insight and direction. And the fact that they all present as blank white screens…

Leaving me feeling lost and adrift, unsure of where or how to anchor myself…

*** *** ***

I had a dream today in which my grandson and I were imagining things together. Suddenly he showed me what we had created, and it was an actual physical object! I was shocked, holding this small stone item he had manifested from our conversation. I thought to comment how it was smaller than I had imagined, but otherwise perfect in detail…

He immediately apologized (for the sizing “error”), and began a new series of “what if we…” remarks to try to “fix” his mistake. To which I could only respond:

“Nonononono… Stop! I wasn’t complaining, I was only surprised. It’s perfect just the way it is! Do you have any idea how amazing this is? How amazing you are?! You created this! Out of our dreams and imaginings. You made it real!”

And then I woke up, still holding the small stone deciphering cube he had created in my memory. Every edge smooth but well defined, a complex collection of smaller cubes combined to form an impossible 3-D structure, all composed of different varieties of jasper…

And a deep sadness to waken fully and discover my hands held nothing but memories of dreams…

*** *** ***

Election day is next week. Yes, I am going to vote, even if I am convinced the act is likely futile. I will go to my polling place. I will express my displeasure with the current government by not voting for anyone running on the Republican ticket. But I don’t yet know who I will vote for.

I am caught in that familiar tug of war between conventional wisdom and my own conscience. Because conventional wisdom says I need to throw my tiny weight behind the Democrats, supporting the two party system, even if I believe the Democrats (individually or as a collective party) are every bit as dirty and corrupt as the Republicans; any other vote dilutes the resistance to the Republicans. If I vote my conscience, if I actually vote for someone, rather than against someone, then I wind up supporting the candidate I definitely don’t want to win. But if I don’t vote my conscience then I wind up voting a blind party line, for a party I don’t even belong to, much less agree with, an act I swore I’d never do. And worse, I continue to feed the two party only machine, making further inroads by independent or 3rd party candidates even more difficult.

So yes, I will vote next Tuesday. But no, I have no idea for whom. And I probably won’t know until after I’ve walked into that booth and seen what I chose to do…

*** *** ***

And I suddenly remember my daughter asking me what the Ocean Jasper does, metaphysically speaking. I don’t really know, it being a stone I’d never heard of before that dream. But my initial research seems to indicate it has two primary functions: to increase empathy (opening channels between self and others) and to promote healing. When I told her this, she laughed out loud…

“Do you really need a stone to increase your empathy?!,” she asked in all sincerity.

To which I could only respond, “I know, right?! It seems counter-intuitive as I’m already drowning in it these days. But the healing… Well, that I could definitely use!”

*** *** ***

And as I write these words tonight, holding tightly to that stone, I sense it rising up behind me, threatening to engulf me totally. I “see” my self standing on the shore, back to the ocean, as a huge wave approaches; translucent blues and greens shimmering in the moonlight, white-tipped foam beginning to furl, full of bubbles… I stand there, rigid and aware, but unable or unwilling to move, anticipating the full weight of this wave crashing down upon me, driving the breath from my lungs, tossing me mercilessly about, helpless and vulnerable against the sheer force of so much water in motion…

Bubbles bursting like “the bombs in air”…

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Reflections, Visions

“I Want it All…”

“I want it All…

I want it All…

I want it All…

And I want it NOW!”

(Repeat)

“Here’s to the future…

to the dreams of you/youth.”

(Excerpts from the song “I Want it All” by Queen)

***   ***  ***

Stuck in my brain, on endless repeat, for three days now.  First thought upon waking each day, last thought before drifting off to sleep, playing over and over and over again through every moment of my timeless days…

I don’t even know if the lyrics are correct, at least the last line, and I remember nothing else from the song.  I’m sure the order is off because I can hear the music in my head, and there is an uncomfortable shift/gap between the lines.  But none of that matters.  It isn’t about what is “real” or right, but rather about what is obsessing me…

I was “gifted” with a piece of meteorite (much heavier than I would expect it to be), and found myself “called” to collect a small Lemurian Crystal.  The meteorite, when engaged, placed me in the center of a spinning gyroscope, with dimensional planes shifting around and through me.  I felt certain I had acquired a “key” between them, as well as a vehicle in which to “safely” experience these planar shifts…

When I combined the two in meditation, I met “Bekkah,” a young Pliadian.  Not extraordinary, not “special,” just young and open and full of eagerness.  This was her crystal, “programmed” not with data that might save or enlighten the world, but with her fondest hopes and dreams…

And in the background, I saw my Self, as multiple beings, existing across time (as evidenced by apparel, appearance, and accessories), all superimposed, one upon the other.  I thought at first that it was a chronicle of “past lives,” and some were familiar to me; others were new and unexpected, including both gender and species shifts.  But it came to me today, as it all played out behind my eyes again, that it was not a record of “past” lives, but rather concurrent ones.

I am All of these beings, simultaneously and without contradiction.  All are happening now.  And “I” am more simple and complex than even I had previously imagined…

Just something to think about…  😀

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