Flashback..., Poetry, Reflections

A Timely Reminder…

I don’t usually have a lot of good things to say about social media, but every once in a while Facebook surprises me with a timely reminder.  This is one of those “share a memory” things, when Facebook suggests you re-post something from your past.  This one posted 3 years ago on this date, before I had started this blog.  I was surprised to see it and read it today, so I thought I’d share it here, in a more “appropriate” medium…

Sitting here in the dark, listening to music and the rain, cuddling with my cat, feeling deeply grateful that my roommate is home safe and well, and that my grandson is feeling better…

Pondering the sheer perfection of this moment, knowing I am alive and surrounded by so much that is magical, mysterious, and moving…

And these words snuck up on me, without warning. They felt significant, though, enough so that I thought I should share…

If you feel like reading them all, of course… lol

In the Darkness, I sense a Light…
It shines without blinding,
Reveals without harshness,
Guides without demanding…

In the Light, I seek the Fire…
That warms without burning,
Comforts without suffocating,
Spreads without overwhelming…

In the Fire, I discover a Heart…
And know that it loves without coercion
Gives without expectation,
Honors without judgment…

In the Rain, I hear a Voice…
Speaking gently of the light,
Speaking warmly of the fire,
Speaking softly from the heart…

“I love you…
“Now, and forever…
“Just be your Self…”

“Be the Light.”

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About the Otherhood, Conversations

Q & A: The Experience of Otherhood

The following questions were asked by Jerry (rawgod) as part of a comment on another post.  They are insightful and involved, and so I thought they should be addressed in their own post.  Please feel free to jump into the conversation if you are so inclined.  😀

The questions themselves have to do with my experiences with my Others, and the Center Space where we can meet and converse as others, while still retaining an identity of being…

 
Q: “1) Do you really identify with more than one ego at a time, or when you switch egos do you do that instanstaneously and completely? I guess what I am asking, when you are acting as Prime Personality, then suddenly switch to Personality B, are you still aware of being Prime Personality, or is the switch total, and Prime Personality does not exist anymore?”

A:  The simple answer to this question is that I retain a single ego, regardless of which personality I am experiencing.  I like the way you differentiate between Prime and Personality B, etc., as it truly captures the essence of what it’s like, so I’m going to use that framework to discuss this.

So I will immerse my consciousness in B’s life, but still feel, react and be Me (Prime), which requires a certain period of adjustment each time I visit.  I will remember Prime’s (Lisa’s) memories, morality, etc. throughout my “time” there, but I will also have access to B’s memories, morality, etc.  More often than not, I am drawn into B’s life during a significant period, and “I” (we) will use our combined wisdom to navigate the situations that arise…

What makes it interesting is that while I have not bodily crossed over into that timeline (not for lack of trying, I assure you! Lol!), I still experience everything as “real.” Every sensation, every feeling, every lesson learned becomes a part of Prime’s experience as well.  The only noticeable difference is the way time operates, as Prime is able to skip around more easily within B’s life history, seeking memories (with added realism) that might be needed to proceed in B’s current time…

 
Q: “2) From what I read, Prime Personality has at least some memory of being Other personalities, but there is no direct connection between them. People with Multiple Personalities can supposedly switch from one personality to another under certain situations or stressors. Can you do this?”

A: Are you asking if I can consciously immerse myself in an Other’s life?  Sometimes, yes, but I wouldn’t say it happens always “at will.”  In fact, the mechanism that used to allow me such complete immersion seems to have been broken for the last decade or so.  I have been able to look in, but I have not been able to actually visit.  Instead, we often meet in some neutral location and converse like real people; all the posts on my blog tagged or categorized as “conversations” are “real” experiences I’ve had with the others.

And no, I do not have multiple personality disorder (MPD).  MPD’s usually “become” alternates in their current life (timeline), while I “travel” to the Others’ lives to experience being them.  While they may be perceived as MPD because Prime claims dominance there, I retain memories, traits and characteristics of both.

To be fair, though, there is definitely a sharing going on.  Traits usually associated with B will become apparent in Prime’s life when we are in close contact, and since some of the Other’s are very different from me, it can be quite noticeable.  It explains why MPD was originally considered a possible diagnosis that was quickly ruled out; straight up schizophrenia won the title in the end.

What is important to acknowledge is the place of ego in this exchange.  Because there is a central being expressing itself in different forms, there is a consistency of experience across all timelines, a root or baseline that learns and adjusts (changes), while still remaining “the same.”  Simultaneous co-existence without contradiction.

 
Q: “3) When you do make a switch, from say Prime to B, is there any loss of time for Prime when you switch back?”

A: Yes.  Definitely.  But it’s hard to explain or define, because my body (Prime) continues to live my life while I am out being the Others.  Basically it means that when I return consciously to my life, I have some “catching up” to do, and some time that will never be recovered.  I usually am confronted multiple times after returning about things I don’t remember at all – conversations had, plans made, incidents that occurred, etc.  People are mad at me and I have no understanding why.  Or I missed work and didn’t call in.  Or I had some “meaningful” encounter with someone who I will not even recognize next time we meet.  You get the idea…

It was one of the things I had to learn to cope with, as it made me extremely vulnerable.  Admitting I wasn’t “here” was not an acceptable excuse, but it did give others an opportunity to make stuff up which I could neither confirm nor deny.  I learned to “play it cool,” look for clues, and my journals became critical for piecing together the jumbled timelines.  Eventually it was a practice the Others adopted to make the transitions easier on all of us…

 

Q: “4) This one is hard for me to comprehend or properly ask (presuming that the answer to question 3 is negative as I believe it must be) but what happens during the lives of personalities B, C, D, Etc while you are living as Prime? Surely their lives do not stop happening? So, obvious question, based on above scenarios being correct:
4a) Do these sub-personalities have their own egos while YOU are not with them? If Yes, do you then share the ego? Or, if no, what happens to the sub-egos while you are controlling their minds? And how do they feel about it, if they know about it? (Actually, this last question seems to be very similar to part of Question 1, so you may have already answered it. If so, no need to repeat. But is there is a difference you can see, I would love to hear it. Thanks.)”

A: Ok, I’m going to try to tackle this one as a whole…

Each of us is living a life, complete, coherent, unique in time and space.  What happens during the “visits” is that Prime (Lisa) steps into an’Other’s life, and lives it for a while.  The Other is there, or sometimes not, but their personality, memories, sensations, talents, are all accessible to me (Prime), yet somehow foreign.  I am actually me being them, and so influencing their lives.  Where they go or how they feel about my intrusion is unknown to me.  Only when we meet in conversation do we interact as other, rather than as one.

Have they occasionally visited me?  Yes! And that is something I rarely talk about.  But in the beginning, when this first started happening for me, it was almost always the other way around; they came and lived my life for a while.

While they were here, I was merely an observer in my life, sitting back to see what they would do.  Sometimes I cheered them on, knowing they were doing for me what I could not do for myself.  Other times I fought them, fearing the damage they would undoubtedly cause.  Because the decisions they made, the interactions they had while here created real consequences that Lisa would have to deal with when they left.

Eventually Lisa learned enough engaging with less linear forms of self to be able to “control” the process, more or less.  I’m not sure how to explain that really, other than compare it to installing a one-way door; I could get to them directly, but they could not then get to me without invitation.  It was at that point that Lisa likely became Prime; not because my life is more important or significant, but because my understanding of the process gained me more control over it.

***     ***     ***

And this, then, is why I have procrastinated so long in answering these questions.  Because in the beginning Lisa was not Prime at all!  There was an’Other who ripped me from my timeline when I was 9 or 10 years old.  She was much older than me (an adult), and she taught me much about life I might have preferred not to know.  Sometimes she came to me and simply messed with my life, forcing me to clean it up and learn as I did so.  Other times she took me to her own life, living out various scenarios that would later impact directly on my timeline.  But she was always in control of the process…

As a teenager, I started to resist her, alternately “loving” her for her honesty and “hating” her for her brutality in communicating it.  I used a variety of techniques (drugs, alcohol, sex, meditation, etc) to try and gain the upper hand in our interactions.  Ultimately those techniques failed because I could not control myself much less her.  Once I set aside drugs and alcohol, the scales began to balance, and with adulthood (and the wisdom it brought), I sought to understand the process itself.  That’s when it began to tip in my favor…

As an adult, I better understood the “teaching” she had tried to impart, and I used the clarity gained in sobriety to explore the implications.  I began to see her more as “human,” with faults, frailties, and baggage, rather than super-human as my child self had assumed.  I started to see her as a peer, an equal.  And then I took on the gargantuan task of “capturing” our interaction…

As I mentioned before, I wrote a book about it (a couple actually), although one was simply a “recording” of our transitions.  In that book, I consciously stepped into her life (by my choice) and recorded what occurred there.  Through that process I learned just how “damaged” her personality was, forever stripping her of super-human status in my mind.  I also encountered another self entirely whom I had never met before, who taught me directly about Time, Space and Movement (Change), thus explaining how these interactions were possible at all.  That self also brought me home to Center, where interactions could occur without co-opting each Others’ lives.

And that is when Lisa became Prime…

That book is available in digital format (free) if you want a copy.  I can email it to you if you are interested.  My understanding (though I remain technology challenged) is that it is a PDF file, and not any e-book format.

Hopefully, these answers are sufficient, and will ennable us to continue discussing this and related topics.

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Reflections

Distractions…

Ever get the feeling, the sense, that you’re trying to distract yourself from something you do not want to know?  I believe that’s where I’m at today…

Feeling very low energy, very low key; body tired with a restless mind.  I cannot concentrate on anything for very long.  I cannot rouse enough motivation to face what “threatens” me.  But it is not a threat of danger, but rather a threat of knowing…

It’s my day off, the first such day off for myself alone that I’ve had in a couple weeks.  And there was much I hoped to accomplish today.  But while it has not been a wasted day, I have yet to address that which directly weighs down on me…

I am reading countless things, many of which do not even interest me.  I am watching videos I do not wish to see.  I seek companionship (distraction) from others, without truly wanting to engage.  I follow otherwise intriguing paths, knowing they are not the ones truly calling me.  I engage in everyday mundane activities (laundry, paying bills, completing delayed projects, etc.), all “essential” to keeping up my chosen role here, but none truly compelling to my well-being in the moment…

And then I review, acknowledge all of this, and make a commitment to face the “truth.”  I meditate.  I sleep to dream, then push the memory of the dreams aside before they can be retained.  I reach out to the Others calling me, acknowledging the growing sense of urgency in their demeanors, only to pull back roughly and immediately when I realize they are pulling me all the way into their lives, rather than to the Center where we can simply converse, as others…

I am clearly avoiding something…

And I can make a thousand reasonable excuses for what I’m feeling and doing.  I can tell myself that whatever it is is just eluding me, not quite ready to fully expose or express itself.  But even that feels like I’m just lying to myself…

To myself.

Not to you, or anyone else.  Nor can I blame anyone else for the distractions leading me astray.  For I am distracting my self…

And it slowly dawns on me that perhaps I should stop looking at the things I’m willing to do to find this “truth,” and focus instead on what I’m not willing to do.  And do that instead…

Hmm…

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Flashback...

“The Covenant” (Revisited)

As I explain below, this is one of those pieces that occasionally calls out to me for reinterpretation.  Now residing in my “Pages” folder, I found it calling to me yet again in my morning meditation – replaying over and over again, and so blocking any other info from entering.  With such demanding force expressed, I cannot ignore it.  Perhaps it is in response to my recent interactions with Sha’Tara and rawgod, or perhaps it is relevant again for some other reason entirely.  In any event, it is the first compelling “lead” I’ve received in days, so I offer it to you once again…

***  ***   ***

Originally published as a regular post, I have chosen to move it here [Pages folder] for more permanent, easily accessible status.  This poem (?) originally came to me as a “flow of consciousness” piece that bordered on an unplanned case of automatic writing.  It came with such force that it drove everything else out of my mind until it was captured in writing.  Unedited, except for spelling and formatting issues, it has become one of those “go-to” works that repeatedly becomes relevant in different situations and times in my life.  Almost prophetic, it has not only explained and corrected my path from time to time, but I have been driven to share it with others occasionally to similar results.  I share it here, now, because I find references (both obvious and subtle) appearing in many other works of mine, even new ones, forcing me to acknowledge its ongoing influence in my life today…

“The Covenant”

Come…

Sit…

Listen…

and you, T.O.O. shall know

what I have come to learn.

It begins with This,

for this is what I know:

The time is Now…

time now to learn what each Other knows.

Why we are…

Who we are…

Now…

as before…

let us Be…

One.

As it was in the Beginning.

For in the beginning,

there was One.

And One spoke in the Silence:

“I Am…

Alone am I…

I would be Other…

So I am.”

And as each Word was,

so it Was,

and so it was,

that One became Other –

Twelve Others.

But with Otherhood

came Different-ness.

And from different-ness

came War.

So it was through war

that each Other came to know:

Sorrow…

Suffering…

Shame…

And Regret.

And with regret,

came a Desire

for One.

So it was that a Council of Twelve

gathered in the presence of One

seeking Peace,

instead of War.

And a Great Covenant was sealed:

“Beyond Time and Space,

there is Truth.

Within each Heart,

there is Power.

Through each Life,

there is Hope.

Between the Lessons of History,

and the Promise of Tomorrow,

Lie the Meaning and Purpose of Today:

Peace resides where Love reigns.”

And from this Great Covenant

sprang Three Sacred States,

each a world of Four,

with Four each to guide and protect the Three.

All…

in the Name of One…

in the Spirit of Other…

in search of Peace.

So…

Here we are – three

in a world of four.

Our world of four

but one of three.

And the message of the Pyramids

is on the Surface

for all to clearly see:

Four Sacred Children

gather as One

to learn of What Was.

Three times they come,

and through them, we come

to know of what Will Be.

The Promise of All…

The Lesson of One.

And one is asked,

“Who are you?”

And the Answer comes:

“I am Nobody…

But because I am nobody,

I am the same as Everybody.

And being everybody,

I am the voice of All.

As All…

I am…

One.

So who I am

is irrelevant.

All That Matters

Is

that I AM.”

And the Truth is this:

There is no Other!

 

© Lisa R. Palmer, 1995

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Reflections

Notes to “self” (including all Other selves choosing to read them as well)…

Crawling forward on bloody hands and bruised knees, I fall inward through the door to Center Space again.  It is all I can do to just breathe once more, safely reaching this Timeless haven…

“Whew!  That was a rough trip ’round this time,” I vocalize aloud.

I understand the necessity for going out there, and the limitations imposed by doing so, but sometimes…  I don’t know…  sometimes it’s good just to get home again…

I peer out the windows at the other loops visible from here, checking in on what might be happening in places where my consciousness has not been, then settle in to rest a while, recuperate, and consider what this latest effort has taught me.

From here I can see it All, but I can do nothing to affect it.  I must leave this sanctuary and travel the loops of Time, if I would act at all.  But out there I am so limited (and vulnerable), restricted to what lies before and behind me, in rigid order, with real consequences.  Useful for short jaunts, but always heavy with the risk of getting lost, of forgetting this Timeless place where experience can be transfigured into Knowledge.  Had it not been for the whales guiding me with their Song, I might not have made it back this time at all…

So…  what did I learn on my latest adventure into the trenches of 21st century America?

Reaching for my journal, I begin to write…

I think the Paradoxes I encountered this time around really threw me off balance, for I could not reconcile them out there.  That, in itself, was unusual, but the consequences of not being able to were devastating to both my psyche and my soul…

There was the web, for example.  It was the trees who taught me of the “underlying” community, the root structure that supports Life and Otherhood.  And perhaps it was their long sleep, leaving me without the wisdom they had so easily shared, that left me vulnerable and unaware of the changes taking place.  But as the roots awaken, and the sap begins to flow, two things have become clear to me, though explanation still escapes my troubled heart…

First, the web beneath my feet feels stronger than it ever has, but the world I interact with seems shakier and less certain than ever before.  If the web is strengthening, should we not be seeing positive results in the world around us?  Or has it truly all been for naught?  Must we accept that Life cannot survive all the damage we have done, or are my senses merely reeling under the assault of evil so blatantly exposed abroad?

Second, the non-human beings entwined in the web seem to be connecting on a deeper, more productive level.  Will they do away with predation as a way of life?  I think probably not, as sacrifice has always been a choice that some will make, and what lesson can be learned if no one/thing accepts said sacrifice?

But what is worth noting is that the boundaries between non-human species seem to be fading.  They are much more willing to accept, support, and live together in peaceful communities.  A living example for humans to follow, or a necessary survival instinct?  I do not know…

Also worth noting is the willingness of non-human beings to interact with humanity these days.  Are they reaching out in an effort to save themselves, or are they merely demonstrating what is possible when we choose to work together?  I admit struggling to “understand” their speech, but there is no mistaking their support, their generosity, and their courage in reaching out to those of us responsible for so much destruction in their world…

I also had the good fortune this time around to meet some non-humans who chose to wear human forms.  The Fey, in particular, nature spirits of many kinds, have chosen to live among us humans, as humans!  It’s fascinating to meet them, for they remember some of what they are within, especially when they are young.  To encounter them, to see that familiar spark in ancient eyes looking out from such young faces, to feel the joy of Life restricted by a very human body in a depressingly human society… well, it was both awe-inspiring and debilitating at the same time.  To want to protect them, while not wanting to interfere with their purpose here was quite the conundrum for me…

It’s almost as if all of the Earth’s true beings were reaching out to help us humans in our time of crisis, and yet we still have not made significant progress toward joining them!  Which is not to deny the work and effort of many individual people out there.  There are many doing their part to rectify things.  But none of it seems to be enough…

Laying down my journal, I allow my thoughts to drift, pondering these observations and their significance.  Lazily I let my eyes wander, looking out the windows, and wondering what my Others may be experiencing out there.  I consider heading out again, but in a totally different direction, needing to experience something a little less oppressive than where (or when) I’ve been…

“Not yet, I think,” I answer myself.  “I need to recover first.  I lost too much on this last venture, I hurt too much to want to rush back out again.  I think I’d rather read a while, catch up on others’ stories, and see what I can learn…”

And so, reaching for the journal once more, I flip back through the pages to see what entries I might have missed…

 

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Reflections, self-discovery

The Analogous Mind…

Write your self a story,

complete,

and live it as your own…

Chances are you’ll learn something,

about yourself,

that was previously Unknown.

***   ***   ***

That’s the thing about fiction and fantasy, though, isn’t it?  Innocuous, entertaining, completely unreal-istic.  Until you live it as your self, and make it your own.

Then it becomes real.  Totally real.  For you anyway…

The magic of great writing is that ability to pull you in, immerse you in the “safe” realm of words.  Feeling isolated from the drama and trauma of life for a while, comfy and cozy in your little reading nook…

Until the truth slams into your heart, taking your breath away, leaving you stunned.  And speechless.  For there is no response when it happens that way, no escape, no retreat.  The author may have lured you in with beautiful words, but they stick, remaining with you long after you look away…

Like a curse…

Writing your own story allows you to control the ending, but otherwise the process remains the same.  Hidden gems and unconscious agendas control the rhythm and the rhyme.  Your Self directs the flow, while your self just rides along.  These truths last…

Until the next story is written…

***   ***   ***

In the “real” world we call this empathy; less thought, more feeling.  But the steps remain the same.  Immersing our selves in someone else’s frame of reference to learn about ourselves.  Each new Other we encounter is a new opportunity; each new being we meet, a lesson come to greet…

We live in an infinite hall of mirrors…

What a disturbing thought to think…

For this story, this analogy, has led to yet another unforgettable truth, the previously Unknown, revealed:

I, too, am a narcissist!  And this  is All about Me…

Ugh…

 

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Reflections

The Shadow…

With the passing of the eclipse, the Shadow takes center stage…  What does your Shadow Self bring to the scene?

For me it is an understanding, hard to accept, one steeped in what I would have formerly named “negativity.”  Now I call it “reality.”  My reality.  My understanding.  My Shadow at work in the world I live…

Not everyone is worth saving, Lisa, and no one (other than yourself) is your responsibility…

Harsh words, I know, but true for me nonetheless.  And I had to follow my heart (my bleeding liberal, loving heart), to a distant place to find that truth within…

This past weekend I travelled to the Serpent Mound in southern Ohio to view the eclipse.  I wasn’t sure why I was there, but I knew I needed to be there.  Something terrible and tragic once occurred there (in my personal karmic history), and I was finally ready to face it.  But nothing in the work I’ve done prior prepared me for what I would discover during this pilgrimmage.  The “answers” I sought, the forgiveness I craved, was not a destination at all, but a journey.  Every moment of that experience counted, and momentum built, until the eclipse itself merely punctuated it.  Three days later the “truth” I uncovered begins to sink in…

People are… horrible!

Not everyone, of course; I recognize that.  But the vast majority of us are so focused upon ourselves that we cannot truly embrace others.  We cannot grasp our “true” place in the universe.  Even those “spiritually enlightened and evolved” ones I once counted as family are not free of destructive self-delusion.  I watched them desecrating sacred ground in pursuit of their enlightenment, each believing themselves to be an exception to the rules, because they were special or had “good” intentions.  Each displayed a shocking (to me) lack of respect, even when asked to “correct” their behavior.  “No, it’s ok,” they’d say in all sincerity.  “I’m just meditating here.  I’m not harming anything.”

Define “harm,” I’d think to myself…

I became unbearable to be around, as this “truth” started to seep out with my Shadow’s growing presence; so much so that my travelling companions needed to point it out.  “This isn’t really like you, to be so negative.  What’s going on with you?”

Indeed…

But I think it is me now.  At least for a while.  And it isn’t just me, either…

Since I’ve returned home, I’ve discovered other “always positive” folk taking “negative” stances.  A friend who manages to keep a light burning, no matter how many storms she encounters, telling me, “I’ve had enough, Lisa.  I’m too tired to care anymore.”  A fellow blogger I admire and follow, in part for her “silver lining” philosophy, saying, “Enough already!  I’m done playing by the rules of expectation!”  And myself writing poetry I don’t bother publishing because it adds nothing of value to the discussion; merely pointing out that “innocence” and “willful ignorance” are closer kin than I thought…

So, no…  I have no words of “hope” to say today.  I have no real faith in humanity today.  I believe we are on our own journeys now, more so than ever, and that we will find a way to evolve individually, or perish through our self-destructive efforts with the vast majority.  And I’m ok with that today.

There is power in the Shadow, but no true morality.  How you choose to direct that power is entirely up to you.  I wish you well on your journeys across the dark side of the moon, and genuinely look forward to meeting some of you again, when we reach the “other side”…

 

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