Reflections

Questioning my Self…

If I inhabit a reality of my own creation, which I truly believe I do (at least intellectually), why have I not created a more beautiful place to live?

Where is the love? The justice? The sense of equality that I would expect from me?  Why are we all still suffering?  In misery?

Do I truly need continuing lessons on compassion?  Or is it detachment I’m working on?

I feel sad…  So sad.  I’m not depressed; just sad.  I look around me every day and take note of all the suffering taking place, my own included.  I acknowledge that life isn’t fair, and changes are upon us, and that each and every being I encounter these days is struggling with something of significance to them.  We are facing our deepest “issues,” whatever they might be – financial, health, purpose, faith, loss, grief, codependency, addiction, relationships, career, etc…  And it is no longer enough to compare apples and oranges to find “relief”…

I take no comfort in saying “at least I’m not dealing with [that] today!”  Or “thank Goodness my crisis is only financial!”  I don’t need to compare my suffering to others to find gratitude today; I am well aware of how loved and lucky I am…

But that does not diminish my “suffering” today, for my financial insecurity is the one “issue” which I have never satisfactorily resolved; it has always haunted me, and it continues to do so.  To minimize its impact on me, and the way I live my life is a disservice to my Self…

But yes, there are many, many others who are suffering much more than I am, within their own personal hells…  And I don’t need to minimize or overstate their suffering, either, in an attempt to balance scales.  I simply accept that we are all suffering, and this world we share truly is hell!

So…

Why?  I ask my Self, “why?!”  For when I cannot “solve” a problem, I seek to understand instead.  My powerful Self could create a “happier” place, at least for me.  Why haven’t I done so?

I need to know…

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Reflections

“Where have you been?!”…

…someone recently asked me.  “What have you been up to?  I never hear from you anymore!  Anything new happening?”

I thought about those questions, and my responses…  and then I laughed out loud.  Literally!

Because the answers are obvious… yet irrelevant.

I’m here, where I’ve always been; locked into my own consciousness and its journey, wherever that leads me…

I’m up to no good… but no bad, either.  Judgment has deserted me.  But I happen to think that’s a good thing…

You never hear from me because I have nothing to say that may be of interest to you.  Truth is, most of my revelations lately have been of an entirely personal nature; as in relating to the day-to-day me about day-to-day things.  And while I’ve certainly followed some interesting blogs/stories about those very things (and consider my own to be in a similar genre), the fact is that I try to restrict my personal musings to topics that might reflect others’ discoveries.  So, sharing my work issues, or finances, or other completely self-oriented stories seems a little “off topic” for me, unless they reveal something more universal underneath…

As to what’s “new”?  How about everything… and yet nothing!

What about active timeline shifts; do they count?  Because they have become much more obvious lately, and downright transparent!  How do I know this (aside from my own experiences of them)?  Because I see the looks in peoples’ eyes when I casually throw out a remark about “just another timeline shift…”  They used to have that cautious, knowing “uh oh, here we go again” look in their eyes.  Then it became the “deer in the headlight” look.  Now it’s a shrug, and a nod, and an “oh, good… if that’s all(?)” kind of look I get.  Is there any more to say to that?

Today I read a one line blog post from someone I’ve followed for a couple of years; she’s been a “reliable” source for me, keeping me abreast of what’s happening outside my limited field of vision.  The post said, essentially, that this reality is all fake…  That’s it.  A simple, but important reminder…

I then went on to read other posts, from her and other people, scrolling through my email from most recent to older ones I hadn’t read yet.  I was intrigued to find at least two other posts from her directly contradicting former positions she’d held!  I had to re-read them a couple times to make sure I hadn’t misunderstood.  But no…  The words were there, black on white, perfectly understandable, yet completely foreign coming from her…

I went on to read other people, discovering post after post contradicting what I believed to be true…  I was bewildered, to say the least!

Then I remembered the first thing I’d read, which was actually the last thing that had been written: everything in this reality is fake…

And I laughed.  What else can you do?  It’s just another timeline shift…

And maybe I do have have something to share after all…

*shrugging as I walk away…*

 

 

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self-discovery, Stories..., Visions

The Embrace…

I am walking down a forest path, at peace, contemplating all that has been happening near me.  Something moves in front of me, though what it is at first eludes me.  Gradually my eyes focus enough to “discover” a being hiding in the gloom behind a tree…

I stop walking, not wanting to intrude on or frighten this stranger before me…

“It’s ok,” I softly say.  “I’m not here to harm you or disturb you in any way.  I’m just passing through…  Would you mind if I passed by, or would you prefer me to turn around and leave?  After all, you were here first, weren’t you?”  I smile to reinforce my words…

The being leans forward a bit, looking up and down the path.  I see now its humanoid form.  I notice also its wariness, its vigilence.  I sense no fear coming from the being, just profound awareness, and caution…  And strength, unlike anything I have encountered before!  This being is in its element, and knows it; if anyone should be afraid, it should be me…

But I am not afraid…

I wait, patiently, wondering if (and how) this being may communicate with me.  After several minutes, the sense of threat, of possible dire consequence, begins to fade.  The being checks the path once more, before stepping out to face me…

At first I am bewildered by what I see, questioning if it’s a trick of light, or some sort of mirrored shield being held up in front of me; for standing on the path ahead is a younger, darker version of me.  She is cloaked and hooded in forest greens, well camouflaged in this environment.  Her posture is alert, but relaxed, raw power emanating from every pore of her being.  She simply looks at me, expectantly, waiting for my reaction…

It is then I realize it is my Shadow facing me, the one who’s call has been leading me for days.  And slowly, the odd dynamics of our current status begin revealing themselves to me…

For clearly, she has the power for now; her strength, purpose, presence are palpable.  But I am in control; my consciousness must decide what happens next…  I stand there, rooted like the trees surrounding me, held in this timeless moment by the sense of import, the sheer significance of this encounter!  Finally, I take a small, almost involuntary, stumbling step forward.  She stands straighter, somehow creating a less threatening posture in spite of growing taller…

“May I approach?,” I think to ask, falling back on familiar civilities, while seeking to convey respect.

She nods, but says nothing…

I approach slowly, soaking up every detail, mesmerized by all I see…  “You are truly magnificent!,” I breathe aloud as I get close enough to truly see her.  And she is!  All the things that I am not – confident, secure, balanced – and so, so, so much more; I have difficulty grasping that she is me, given how different we appear.

“I have been looking for you,” I explain to her.  “Everywhere.  In the forests mostly, but also in the lakes and oceans, in the sunlight that warms my skin, and the moonlight that guides my dreams.  I have searched for you in my sanctuary spaces, and travelled to the crossroads hoping to encounter you.  I have even dipped into the river of time seeking just a moment with you…”

“I have been waiting for you,” she finally speaks.  “And now you have come…”

I chuckle nervously, unsure about what to do next, so I ask…  “Now what?  We have met.  What happens next?”

“That’s up to you,” she softly answers.  I am captivated by her calm, her lack of urgency, anxiety, or need…  “What do you want?,” she whispers…

Echoes of that question reverberate in my mind, remembering other places, other times this question was asked of me.  But this time, I know immediately what I want!

“I want to embrace you, to hug you, to hold you close to me,” I answer, before shyness can prevent the words from escaping…

She smiles fully, holding open her arms wide, offering herself in perfect trust.  I step forward eagerly, carefully placing my left arm above her shoulder, and my right arm beneath hers.  Leaning slightly right, I hug her tightly, heart to heart, and let myself go completely in this moment…

I become aware of our heartbeats, separate, but the same.  I feel them merging into one resounding, rhythmic, beat.  I sense the boundary between us dissolving, with neither absorbing the other, but each becoming One…  Each cell that defines us, each strand of energy, every memory, experience, hope, doubt and triumph merges smoothly, leaving us distinctly present while still being Whole…

I (we) breathe deeply, the scents of the forest accompanied now with a deeper understanding, identifying “what’s” and “who’s” in a way I could not do just moments before.  As my mind automatically begins to process the significance of each scent identified, I feel my own (other’s) surprise at how efficiently it does so.

There is bliss in this experience of union, and excitement of what we can learn, do and create together!  I (we) are complete, and the whole Universe is our home…  And playground…

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Poetry, Reflections, Visions

While Midnight Rules…

The winds of change come swirling…

circling…

Chaos rules the “ordered” world.

The Shadow revels in its power now

immune to your “morality”…

claiming time and space,

and “victims” unawakened.

“You have been warned…”

the Voices gently whisper.

“Lay no claim to ignorance,

silence your defiance…

embrace this new alliance…

in the name of seeking Balance.

Let go the fear,

the doubt…

Let go suspicion, too…

Lest each or any gain ground here,

and learn how to control you.

Discipline is your greatest asset…

As darkness dims the light,

so, too, does light illumine shadow,

becoming One, in shades of grey,

when Self takes hold the reins!

Define your own reality…

Identify your boundaries…

Defend your own immensity,

in this place of small infinities…”

…?

Define your own reality!

In this time of immorality…

Embrace your immortality…

while midnight rules the psyche…

 

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Reflections

The Shadow…

With the passing of the eclipse, the Shadow takes center stage…  What does your Shadow Self bring to the scene?

For me it is an understanding, hard to accept, one steeped in what I would have formerly named “negativity.”  Now I call it “reality.”  My reality.  My understanding.  My Shadow at work in the world I live…

Not everyone is worth saving, Lisa, and no one (other than yourself) is your responsibility…

Harsh words, I know, but true for me nonetheless.  And I had to follow my heart (my bleeding liberal, loving heart), to a distant place to find that truth within…

This past weekend I travelled to the Serpent Mound in southern Ohio to view the eclipse.  I wasn’t sure why I was there, but I knew I needed to be there.  Something terrible and tragic once occurred there (in my personal karmic history), and I was finally ready to face it.  But nothing in the work I’ve done prior prepared me for what I would discover during this pilgrimmage.  The “answers” I sought, the forgiveness I craved, was not a destination at all, but a journey.  Every moment of that experience counted, and momentum built, until the eclipse itself merely punctuated it.  Three days later the “truth” I uncovered begins to sink in…

People are… horrible!

Not everyone, of course; I recognize that.  But the vast majority of us are so focused upon ourselves that we cannot truly embrace others.  We cannot grasp our “true” place in the universe.  Even those “spiritually enlightened and evolved” ones I once counted as family are not free of destructive self-delusion.  I watched them desecrating sacred ground in pursuit of their enlightenment, each believing themselves to be an exception to the rules, because they were special or had “good” intentions.  Each displayed a shocking (to me) lack of respect, even when asked to “correct” their behavior.  “No, it’s ok,” they’d say in all sincerity.  “I’m just meditating here.  I’m not harming anything.”

Define “harm,” I’d think to myself…

I became unbearable to be around, as this “truth” started to seep out with my Shadow’s growing presence; so much so that my travelling companions needed to point it out.  “This isn’t really like you, to be so negative.  What’s going on with you?”

Indeed…

But I think it is me now.  At least for a while.  And it isn’t just me, either…

Since I’ve returned home, I’ve discovered other “always positive” folk taking “negative” stances.  A friend who manages to keep a light burning, no matter how many storms she encounters, telling me, “I’ve had enough, Lisa.  I’m too tired to care anymore.”  A fellow blogger I admire and follow, in part for her “silver lining” philosophy, saying, “Enough already!  I’m done playing by the rules of expectation!”  And myself writing poetry I don’t bother publishing because it adds nothing of value to the discussion; merely pointing out that “innocence” and “willful ignorance” are closer kin than I thought…

So, no…  I have no words of “hope” to say today.  I have no real faith in humanity today.  I believe we are on our own journeys now, more so than ever, and that we will find a way to evolve individually, or perish through our self-destructive efforts with the vast majority.  And I’m ok with that today.

There is power in the Shadow, but no true morality.  How you choose to direct that power is entirely up to you.  I wish you well on your journeys across the dark side of the moon, and genuinely look forward to meeting some of you again, when we reach the “other side”…

 

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Poetry, Reflections

“Discombobulated…”

And confused…

Out of sync… or even time?

Some moments passing before I can grasp them,

while others simply refuse to move!

Spiritual whiplash… my body aches.

Caused by this stop and go act?

This heavy push forward, pulsing,

while something else holds me back?

I “fail” at everything normal I try,

but “feel” success haunting my steps.

I feel reluctance, resistance…

while the voices are all screaming, “YES!!”…

Frustration boils up, disturbing my peace,

while that deeply calm center still anchors me…

‘Tis no wonder I feel unbalanced these days…

uncertain, bemused and unsure.

Nothing makes sense in a world gone mad…

So I grasp for the truth in a Word:

“Dis-com-bob-u-lat-ed”…

Made up, created, to capture a moment,

comfort found in humor and sound…

 

 

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Poetry, Reflections, Visions

Shifting Sands…

The world around me is a desert, drowning…

Blood, sweat and tears stain the ground.

I walk slowly, purposefully…

among the shifting sands.

The trees’ roots are strong beneath me, supporting…

granting peace, comfort and stability.

Allowing me to pause and wait, consciously…

when the ground shifts beneath my feet.

And when it has settled once again, temporarily…

I can adapt my course appropriately.

And this… these words… serve not to guide…

nor hamper any progress…

but to remind…

that I am both navigator and traveller.

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