“The Seed…”

There is a seed within me, growing stronger every day.

An instant of perception that weighs heavy in my brain…

What was it? Exactly? That led me down this way…

For I no longer remember details; just momentum and gravitational sway.

It started as adventure, high hopes and courage holding hands,

that slipped into monotony, repeating over and over again.

Until now it’s just a sense of direction, compelling and convincing

Allowing no detours, no lengthy breaks, no hijacking of resources.

“It is what it is…”

“I am who I am…”

No fault, blame, excuse or reason.

It haunts me like a shadow, attached but separate…

It hunts me like a bird of prey, far from reach but stalking…

I feel the eyes upon me, even now that I’m alone…

Paranoia’s icy grasp once more, or “I’s” I’ve not yet known?

I do not know…

yet.

But to admit:

There is a seed within me…

Germinating as we speak.

And soon it shall crack open

Revealing its epiphany…

Who is she…?

Who is this “mother” who gave birth to me, more than half a century ago?

She was more than just a conduit through which my spirit could connect with another physical body. Wasn’t she?

She had her own thoughts, her own feelings, her own needs, her own demons. Didn’t she?

She might be a faceless stranger to me, but someone must have known her, right?

I don’t actually know, as we never truly “met.” At least not here, in this timeline, while I’ve been Lisa. But, of course, we shared the same space. Even the same body. Some trace of her must remain within me. Somewhere… Right?

My conscious memories of this timeline don’t truly begin until I was almost 3 years old. Everything before that is hazy and vague, and by that time, she was long gone. But I never knew why…

My brother remembered her, and he loved her. So much so that he never stopped waiting for her to return. The few stories he told me merely emphasized her abuse, made me grateful I couldn’t remember her. But he never gave up on her. Ever… Why?

Was he simply another abandoned child, longing to be cared for? Or was there something special about my mother that he craved to connect with again, in spite of the abuse and abandonment?

Today is the anniversary of the day they discovered him dead. I remember that day, though the year escapes me now; sometime in the 90’s though… He’d been dead for days, and the smell drew his neighbor’s attention. He died alone. No cause of death was ever determined…

I remember him visiting me in my dreams on his first birthday after his death. He was happy. At last. Standing on the other side of a river with her at his side. In death he had gained what he’d always longed for in life – reunification with our mother.

So what made her so special that he never could let her go? Today I am wondering…

Science claims to have proven that much of our innate “intelligence” comes to us through our mother’s genes. Judging from the way my family has grown, I tend to believe that; my daughter is at least as “smart” as I am, and her children outshine us both… So, should I assume my mother was also highly intelligent? Maybe too much so to “fit” into the world as it was when I was born? She was a college graduate who made a living as a model, before being relegated to a lonely life as an army wife and mother… That would have made me crazy!

And she was “crazy,” every bit as much as I am, though my father tried to keep that from us kids. But we found out eventually. About her time in a lockdown facility, her “nervous” condition, the mysterious deaths of two of my siblings…

I am the only redhead in my family. I thought I was adopted. Turns out my mother was a redhead, too… Is that significant?

So many times through my childhood I remember my drunken father caressing my cheek, looking deep in my eyes, and murmuring about how much like her I was… Even my brother would echo those sentiments in his less guarded moments… Hmm…

So, who was she? This woman who gave birth to me more than half a century ago?

I honestly don’t know. But today I am on a mission to find out…

Today I choose to open my heart to that lost and closed chapter in my life. Today I invite her memory in, to meet with me, to speak with me. No judgment here. Just compassion. And an honest desire to know the spirit of the one who carried me into this place, sharing first her body, her genes, her home, and her madness…

I think it’s time we finally meet…

“Soaring…”

I am flying…

The morning sun is rising to my left,

illuminating all that is below me.

Eagerly I wait for its fullness

to become present once more

revealing what my night vision has failed to see…

My wingtips twitch anxiously,

tipping me one way, then another

vision expanding with the Light

looking out beyond the horizon…

Gradually I come back to my self,

looking closer at what is directly below

but it is empty…

devastated…

My tears begin to flow…

The tears serve me well this time,

dimming my perspective,

denying my focus,

until all that is left is what I feel…

And that, alone, is real…

The wind beneath my wings,

lifting me,

carrying me forward,

to where I wish to be.

No regrets…

No turning back…

For behind me, the Darkness flees,

before the rising sun.

And I am soaring now,

for I am finally free…

“A Journey for No-thing…”

Standing on the edge of the Abyss

staring into Nothing-ness.

But not, I must confess,

true Emptiness.

For Everything that Is

exists…

And All that exists

Is…

And I am in the midst

of an extraordinary Moment…

***

One more Step

is all that is required

for my Fate

to manifest.

One more Breath…

And this Life

no longer strictly mine,

becomes Divine!

***

Happy journeys today, my friends!

 

Doomed to Breathe…

Sitting here today, exhausted!  Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  As if I have only just completed a long and arduous trek across the desert, or climbed a particularly daunting peak…

But I have succeeded…

And now I breathe a little easier, knowing the most difficult tasks are behind me, and the “rewards” have yet to be revealed…

But at what cost comes this peace?

For every breath I inhale brings comfort… and a sense of impending doom.  Waiting for all the other shoes to drop before I truly understand what’s what…

So I find myself holding that breath; revelling in this moment only.  Refusing to acknowledge what all must be let go with each exhale.  For so long as that loss remains undefined and unidentified, I need not grieve today…

All that I was waits expectantly, certain that Death will come…

All I will become waits eagerly, certain its Time has arrived…

All that I am waits eternally: unchanging, unmoving, uncertain; a single breath stretching out unnaturally…

The pressure builds.  The lungs ache.  The heart races…

My eyes close, choosing not to see the inevitable approaching me…

For I am human. Still…

And, knowing that, Choice becomes a fickle and false friend…

For I am doomed to breathe…

Eventually.

And what once was shall never be again…

“Dear Soul…”

So, I came across an ad the other day that intrigued me.  It said that before you were born, you created a plan for this life and the lessons you would undertake; it claimed you “wrote a letter to your soul so you would know what to expect”…  (I don’t recall the exact source, but it was some sort of metaphysical site, I think, perhaps one focusing on numerology.)  In any event…

I found this idea fascinating, especially as it arrived on the heels of my recent frustration in discovering my “life purpose.”  Like most people, I think, I tend to go through phases.  Sometimes I’m relatively certain what I have come here to do and learn, while other times I struggle to understand why I even need to get out of bed in the morning.  And more than once recently, in both dream and meditative states, I have been confronted with the simplest question I have ever been asked: what exactly do you want?

Yet I have been unable to answer…

Yes, it’s true that I could no doubt name some creature comforts like more money or less pain.  I could also reach for something beyond my immediate self, like world peace or the healing of Gaia.  I could, with a little effort perhaps, come up with something original or creative that would serve both spheres of influence – my own and that of the community and world I live in.

But there is something about that moment of confrontation that stills both my thoughts and my tongue…

I don’t know if it’s the enormity of possibility that paralyzes me in that moment of truth?  Or if, perhaps, it is the feeling of certainty that accompanies the question that whatever I speak will manifest, and so I must needs be still and silent until equally certain my words will accomplish my desire?  I have even wondered occasionally if that sudden freezing of thought, word and action is indicative of some heretofore unavailable level of enlightenment…

All I can say with certainty is that in that instant of confrontation, there is nothing present in me other than the question itself.  I feel nothing.  I want nothing.  I have absolutely nothing to say!

And then the moment passes…

And later the frustration rushes in to fill the emptiness…

“Why didn’t I ask for this?,” I will ask myself angrily…  “Why didn’t I ask for anything?!”  Why would I let such an opportunity pass without even attempting to engage it?!  Right or wrong, at least by asking for (or speaking, as the case may be) my desire, I would be bound to learn something valuable!

But I don’t speak…

In fact, I find I can’t speak in that moment; I can’t even think…  Why?

If it is true that we are born into this world with some purpose, or some basic plan or curriculum of study, then it might also be true that we are free to leave (to die) when we have accomplished said purpose (or at least made significant progress in that direction).  And since my greatest goal in life has always been to die (a seemingly inevitable win for me some day!), and since it has been so infamously denied to me so far, I can only conclude it is because I have unfinished business here.

Yet I remain clueless about what I should be doing now…

So…  In acknowledgement of this cosmic synchronicity, and my recent “gift” for redefining time and its “normal” operations, I have decided to open that letter now and read what I had to say.  I think I need to know…

And if any of you feel inspired to read yours and share, please do that techno-magic stuff you do that links our posts, so I can follow the trail to you.  Perhaps by sharing our soul letters (or portions thereof) we might learn and grow together.  Just a thought, I suppose…

So, here goes nothing…

Dear Soul…

I know you have questions, which is why you are reading this letter now…  I also know you have answers, which is why you are writing it now.  That being said, where should we begin?

If you have reached a point in your life that you are ready to read this letter, then there are certain things that have likely already occurred.  You have, for example, already discovered the “purpose” of your childhood, discovered your soul family dynamics, and integrated those lessons into your sense of self.  You have also, no doubt, gained a better understanding of what makes you “different,” and how to use that different-ness to enhance your journey.  And now you are wondering what is left for you to do…

If so, I cannot help but smile at your determination and single-mindedness, for you are not easily distracted from your path.  And perhaps, that is the clue you have been looking for…

Your element is Water…  Own that.

Like Water you are adaptable and relentless: you will proceed no matter what obstacles attempt to halt or slow your progress.  And like Water, you dig deeply into things, always winnowing out that little bit “more” from every human experience.  You are tidal in your moods, placid on your surface, but hiding great depths, even from yourself.  And you are prone to viscious and dangerous storms on occasion…  Does this tell you what you want to know?

Sigh…  Of course not.  I know…

Ok, then…  In keeping with the Water element you embody, you are driven always to lower ground, seeking the lowest common denominator from the experiences available to you.  Turn around and look at where you’ve been.  Do you not see the channel you have carved behind you?  You started at such great heights, but you have steadily descended, seeking out the basest forms of human existence, both in yourself and in the world around you.  You feel like you have no influence, no power or control, yet you have left a chasm behind you to mark your passage through this life…

So…  What is your purpose today, you may ask?  What is to be found beneath the bedrock of society today?  What lies beneath the foundations of Life itself?  What is the nature of “purpose”?  What is at the very core of earthly existence?  What is at the center of every living being?…

These are the questions you should be asking now.  Dig deeper, my Soul.  Push further.  Seek and you shall know, eventually.  Look deeper into what you know, and you may come to understand; knowledge and understanding are not truly synonymous…

You are uniquely equipped for this journey, dear Soul, for we have created you thus… “More” shall be revealed!

With much love and trust…

Your Source (Self)

 

“The Circle of Life…”

The following is a re-posting of something I put on Facebook last year for Mother’s Day.  It was one of those long posts that would eventually lead me to blogging as a more appropriate format for such content.  It only seems fitting, then, that I should share it here now, with all of my WordPress friends…

At the time I wrote this for my daughter, she only had one child, and Aurora (my granddaughter) was still just a visitor in my dreams…  It makes me happy to post it again, knowing both my grandchildren are now present and accounted for, and my daughter grows ever more amazing as a mother in her own right…

** I apologize for the font changes and formatting errors.  I imported this file and cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to fix it!  Ahh… technology, you obstinate but necessary imp…**

 

The Circle of Life

In every girl child born upon the Earth, there exists a seed of what she one day may become…

As that girl matures, becomes a woman, a new seed grows within her: pure potential, undefined, a breath waiting to exhale…

And should she be blessed with child, by birth, adoption or fostering, she gains an opportunity to plant that seed upon the Earth…

And so the Circle of Life rolls on…

So what is motherhood all about?
Is is nurturing, protecting, teaching and strengthening?
Is it support in times of sorrow, and times of triumph, too?
Is it seeing the potential in each of us, and loving us for what we actually do?
Is it seeing us as we really are, and loving us still, sometimes even in spite of what we’ve done?
A mother loves the best and worst of us alike…

And so the Circle of Life rolls on…

Throughout my life I heard the words of others, expressing their opinions about how I never knew the one who gave me life.
I heard their sympathy, their empathy, even their pity sometimes…
How hard it must have been for me to grow up never knowing what it’s like to have a mother of my own.
How hard it must have been to raise a daughter, without the example, and the strength, of one who nurtured me.

I understood those words, and the sentiments they expressed; I even owned them and repeated them myself.
I excused my many motherly mistakes upon those very facts, believing I’d done the best I could with what I’d been given at the start.
And I began to feel compassion for the one who’d let me go…
For if she could not nurture me the way I certainly deserved, then wasn’t letting go the kindest and most loving act she could, as a mother, do?

And when I look upon my own daughter, grown now, and a mother, too,
I wonder how much I really lacked?
For she is strong, and beautiful, nurturing and compassionate, and sure of her sense of self.
And I cannot help but be impressed by the mother she has become…

And so the Circle of Life rolls on…

Though I do not always agree with everything my daughter does,
I nonetheless respect her, and do my best to honor those choices she makes for herself and her son, regardless of what I myself might have chosen or done.

Yes, every mother one day faces that very moment, too, when letting go is the kindest and most loving act of all.
For no child can fully grow while still attached; each must seek a life out on their own.

So sacrifice must also be one of the great motherly attributes, regardless of how often, or how early, such a wrenching must occur.

So the Circle of Life can roll on…

And, if I am honest, I must admit that I was never truly alone.
My Mother existed always within me, and around me, everywhere I looked…
In green and growing things…
In creatures of feather and fur…
In claws and talons, tusks and fins…
In smiles, and sunshine, and purrs.
In rivers and lakes and streams…
In rocks and sand and dirt.
For the same Mother who sustains me now, sustains all Life on Earth.
All life depends on Her today, as it did before my birth.

And so the Circle of Life rolls on…

Then what,pray tell, is motherhood all about,
If not the Circle of Life itself?
We are born of seed.
We grow.
We flower, blossom, and bear fruit.
We nurture that life, whether it be fostered or birthed.
We plant seeds within that will one day mature and bear fruit of their own.
And we let go, standing back to observe, but not interfere too much, as our children seek their own fertile soil.

And the Circle of Life rolls on…
Eternally…
Ever changing, like the seasons,
yet always the same at its core.

Regardless of race, religion, cultural identity or sexual orientation,
Motherhood remains a sacred trust.
So take your cues from the Life that surrounds us,
And imagine yourself as a tree.
With roots dug deep into the Earth,
With trunks strong and supple, however thick or slender they may be,
And branches reaching high to touch the sky,
Supporting the winged and climbing beings,
And sheltering the grounded ones…

So the Circle of Life may roll on.

 

Happy Mother’s Day!

“Beltane Baby…”

Aurora, born 5-1-16 at 10:51pm EDT

Beltane baby, beloved of the Gods,

chosen of the Fey…

blessed by the Mother…

the most auspicious of days

to enter this world

a shining example of Life and Light

and the Love that marks this date…

 

Announced by the Morrigan Herself

at the turning of the Wheel last fall

carried through the dark days of winter

and through the tremulous start of spring

bursting forth with the May Day fires

the promise of abundant hopes and dreams

shining in her eyes…

 

Welcome, dear Aurora!!

Brilliant spirit of the stars…

Sacred baby of the Earth…

Granddaughter of my heart…

Child of my dreams…

So thrilled that we have finally met!

Know that you are loved already

 

And always, always will be…

 

Traditionally, in Celtic lore (my racial heritage), children born on or of Beltane were considered sacred children belonging to the clan as a whole.  The entire community participated in their upbringing, as they were considered blessings and promises that the Goddess had acknowledged a clan, and so would shower them with abundance, peace, and protection.

And so my granddaughter takes her proper place in my clan’s history (or perhaps herstory would be more appropriate)…

🙂

“Awakenings…”

Photos taken by me 4-28-16

My “eyes” are the first to awaken

from this seemingly endless Cosmic Night

lured forth by neither Darkness, nor blinding Light

but by Ignorance and Desire

seeking that which “feels” Right…

 

My “heart” is quick to follow

drawn out by Pleasure and by Pain

it matters not what might be Real or Imagined

in this place they are the same

or so “I” have come to Know…

 

And so my “mind” arrives on scene

the Questions and Answers overwhelm

Conscious thought driven impulse

Sub-Conscious claimed and owned

Supra-Conscious ruling and guiding both…

 

And on this journey of “en-Life-enment”

my Body may or may not come

for All around me is awakening

Be-coming Beautiful,

and in that Awareness we are One…

“Entanglements…”

A skein of yarn and a curved hook

row upon row of tangled knots

and somehow…

a blanket forms, snug and warm

to comfort one newly born…

Paths cross, people meet

in random, unscripted plots

and somehow…

a relationship forms, spicy and sweet

lives changed forever more…

Bodies touch, hearts join

in chaotic, passionate moments

and somehow…

a miracle forms, cell by cell

two parents blessed with a daughter…

Perhaps our innate desire

for seeking and creating Order

is misguided somehow…

since it seems to be the messiest entanglements

that create the most meaningful rewards…

Just a twisted thought…

***   ***   ***

Inspired by the blanket I’m crocheting for my soon-to-be-born granddaughter, and my only child, a daughter I am so very proud of, who will birth and raise her…  🙂